Introducing myself

[IanWestkingsdown]

Hello everyone.I'm not sure I am sending this message to the correct place.I am not on Facebook or anything technical, so I am a virgin at this!!! My name is Lynn and I am here because my husband passed away in January and I am struggling????

[Dave Administrator]

Hello Lynn and welcome to BUK.

I know how daunting all this can be the first time landing on a forum you are not sure of. You can't break anything so feel feel to press away at buttons and tabs to see what they do and if you mess up my fab admin team will sort it out no problem.

Just keep coming back to post and reply to get the support you need to help heal your broken heart for loosing your husband.
This forum can be a lifeline Lynn and has been for over 16 years now, so I hope you soon become part of this most understanding and loving group of people you could have hoped to be in your life at this most difficult time.

[Julie Magson]

Hello and giving you a warm HUG    from Yorkshire. I hope being on here gives you as much help as we can, it certainly has helped me (lost my hubby 6 months ago). I'm not very technical either!

[Emz2014]

Sending a welcome hug    if you get stuck atall we're here to help. You'll find its a lovely supportive bunch here xx

[Hubby]

Hi Lynn. Welcome to the forum.

I am so sorry to hear about your loss. This is a difficult journey we are on but I hope you find the support you can get on these forums helps you through the bad days.

Wishing you strength

 

[IanWestkingsdown]

Hello,thank you all for all your kind words.It is good to hear from people who know exactly what I am going through.My sons and family have been and are amazing but I know it would upset them to think that I need to talk to other people about how I am feeling.I try to bottle it up quite a bit because I know it upsets them to see me upset and they feel helpless.Sometimes I can't hold it in and they are always there for me.I don't seem to see my kids get upset,but my eldest says they do, just not in front of me,so I know we are all trying to protect one another.

[Hubby]

How right you are.

It seems to be that we are programmed to hide our grief from those who are close to us to avoid upsetting them. It seems much easier to talk about our feelings with total strangers. I often wonder if there is some evolutionary advantage to this is or if it is a learned thing and other cultures can share their grief and comfort with their loved ones.

[IanWestkingsdown]

Well,we are English,stiff upper lip and all that,I suppose.You all probably have had it from some people,the times when you get tearful and they try to ignore it and change the subject,I presume hoping it will make it easier for you....which it doesn't ??

[IanWestkingsdown]

Do people not realise,I want to talk about my gorgeous husband and never forget him, even if it does upset me?I suppose they are trying to protect me too?

[Julie Magson]

I know- all I really want to do is talk about my hubby but everyone seems to want to jolly me up and 'not upset me'. I do know that they can't possibly realise until they've been through it themselves and I'm probably guilty of doing it in the past till I lost Alan.

[Hubby]

I have noticed that I bring Margaret into a lot if conversations. I'm always dropping anecdotes in. I don't go it deliberately it just happens.

[Karena]

I think it needs too hubby,I think that's the way forward .Other people don't know what to say , so say nothing which leaves a bigger gap than ever.As time goes on you can do that without getting too upset yourself then others will follow your lead,Usually other family members and friends you had as a couple are also grieving and also feel they want to talk about them  someone has to start that conversation.

[Hubby]

It's not so bad with friends and family members Karena but I also find myself talking about her to casual acquaintances in work or even mentioning to people I have only just met that I "lost my wife".

I really don't want to be that guy but I can't seem to help myself. 

[Brian71]

Your not alone Hubby I tend to do it too sometimes,  usually when shopping and I'm at the checkout,  I'll say something like...  'I'm still getting used to doing the shopping myself' and when they look at you in response I'll add 'My wife passed away in April'.

Maybe subconsciously we're seeking a little sympathy perhaps?   I've said it about 3 times over the last couple months, something I need to stop doing.  Though in reality it was intended to explain why this old fool is fumbling too much as they can see I'm not that proficient at this shopping lark quite yet...lol...I don't have a lot of use in my left hand, so that doesn't help either when transferring items from the trolley onto their conveyor belt thingy so a bit slow, and often dropping things...lol

I dropped a 2ltr bottle of diet coke a couple weeks ago,  which decided to explode when it hit the floor,  most embarrassing...lol..but the staff were very good though.

[Emz2014]

I think that's part of the process too. Maybe it's our brains way of trying to 'fit' back into society after we have felt ourselves withdraw. Maybe it's a way of testing the responses and building confidence.

Sorry Brian but I had to giggle about the bottle of coke.  Reminded me when I was at the supermarket with my mum years ago and she picked up a bag of frozen sausages. She didn't realise there was a hole in the bag and the sausages all shot out, skating across the floor and one skated against someone's foot.  Really embarrassing at the time, but can find funny afterwards xx