Introducing myself

[IanWestkingsdown]

Sorry everyone,I start talking and then I disappear for days.I find it difficult to sometimes talk to you online because my computer is in full view of all the family,so when the boys are around I stay clear of this.Sorry,it sounds like I am blocking you out but I don't want to upset them even more.Am I waffling, lol ??It's so good to hear that you all do and say things that I do too and I'm not going mad! I told the checkout woman at Sainsburys the other day that my husband had passed away in January! The poor woman.She looks so guilty because she had been moaning about her mortgage,not ranting,just saying about the price of food and stuff,you know how these conversations go and I blurted out,because I was cross  at that moment, that I didn't have a mortgage because of my husbands life insurance but how that I wished I had a sky high mortgage and my husband to still be here.I felt instantly guilty because the poor woman didn't know what to say to me,she looked at me opened mouthed and said she was sorry.She was lovely and had only said something that I had said a million times in the past.I felt stupid then.The whole world isn't interested that Ian is no longer with me.Tut   

[IanWestkingsdown]

I wanted to just add that yesterday wasn't a good day.It was my son's 27th birthday yesterday.He has been having a rough time lately.I woke him up and wished him a happy birthday and he opened his eyes,looked at me while snuggled down,his eyes filled up and tears rolled down his cheeks.It was heartbreaking.What can I say.His Dads not here and I can't bring him back,I only wish I could.I hugged him and said it would get better.It's bad enough when you feel like that but when you see your kids hurting it's unbearable.

[Julie Magson]

Oh- I really do not know how you people with kids cope at this time. I have nothing but admiration for you X I did exactly the same to my poor window cleaner and gardener and indeed anyone who talked to me! I don't know what it is but I just have this need to tell everyone I meet. The window cleaner was so taken aback he just said 'Oh no- has he been buried yet?' Which I thought was rather sweet as he is quite young and obviously didn't know WHAT to say!

[longedge]

All I ever seem to do nowadays is just agree with other peoples posts so why change - I agree so much with what everybody has said, especially Hubbys comment about always bringing the fact that your wife passed away so many months ago into every conversation.

Chris and also our parents and other family members who are now gone come into the conversation every time any of my family call to see me and everyone now feels free to bring them all up with little anecdotes or sayings such as, " who vonts a peaches" (my mum was German - she was particularly fond of Nectarines which she called peaches and thought everybody else should be as well). I think it's very important to talk about our loved ones after they've gone.

The one thing I can't do is open up emotionally to my daughters and that is because seeing them upset is like a physical pain for me. My eldest in particular is such a softy and just the thought that she might feel as bad as I do sometimes hurts terribly.

I still struggle to not be embarrassed when talking to people about Chris when my voice starts to break and I feel the tears welling in my eye. The only place I've ever felt comfortable with it was in the support group that I attended after about 3 months. There weren't many rules and from the outset it was stressed that it was perfectly OK to laugh and also to cry.

Lynn, you mentioned Sainsburys and I've had a few moments in my local store most notably when I let fly and started berating the poor lady on the check out for something very minor, then had to pull myself together and explain that I wasn't crazy, just recently bereaved. I've run away from an acquaintance of Chris in the car park when she tried to commiserate with me and one day not long after Chris died, I bumped into one of the staff from the Hospice in the middle of the shop. She said hello and burst out crying because she saw me shopping all on my own. We both stood there for several minutes crying our eyes out - what a sight!

Anyway it all goes with our situation, laugh, cry, scream, rant and rave, it passes and we gather our wits and carry on 

[Hubby]

You're quite right in what you said to your son Lynn. It does get better. It's just so hard to believe it sometimes and the improvements are often so small we hardly notice them. I can manage to get through most days now and deal with whatever happens. In the first few months I couldn't even bring myself to open a letter.

Thats a good point you make about not being able to open up to your daughters George. I am rxactly the same and I get the feeling that they are the same way with me. Common sense would suggest that we would be able to open up to our family and benefit from mutual support but fear of causing further hurt prevents us from utilising that resource.

Instead we open up to strangers.

Weird isn't it?

[Karena]

I think there is an element of fitting a slot too,though.If you think about every conversation with people,every form that gets filled,every social media status,the question is there married single divorced widowed.perhaps subconsciously we,re ticking the box we don't want to but have to change too on our own terms rather than waiting for the question to be asked,or an assumption to be made by what's in our supermarket basket.But more than anything they were a massive part of our lives so its not likely they will be absent from our anecdotes.

[IanWestkingsdown]

Yes,it is so weird,the people who you want to open up to and cry with and reminisce are the people you least want to upset but in doing this,thats the results we get!!!

[Merrymae]

Hello,
I used to be on the old site which I joined in 2012. I came back at various intervals to see old familiar names, give support if I could or get some when I needed it. I don't know if anyone will remember me, my name back then was MrsTetleyteabag which I had chosen as a connection to my wonderful platonic soulmate who I had lost.

I am now feeling ready to have a lighter name, one which is more my own with a good vibration to it I hope. I really wouldn't want to lose touch although currently I'm in a calm place within.

MerryMae x

[Norma]

Welcome back, hope you like the new board, and that you find continued  comfort xxx

 

[IanWestkingsdown]

I woke up this morning and for some reason I do not know,I missed Ian more than usual,I went downstairs, made myself a cup of coffee and sobbed until I heard the boys upstairs getting ready for work and I pulled myself together. One of my twins who is 17 knew something was up when he came down after about 20 minutes though and asked me if I was ok,I mumbled that I was fine,I'd just had a little cry..... little cry, it was a hysterical sob! I was fine until I got to work and one of my work colleagues asked me if I was ok,that was it,I sobbed again! She was lovely and told me not to hold it in and it was ok to cry and tell her what was wrong.Why do these waves of uncontrollable grief hit you when you least expect it??

[Julie Magson]

It's awful isn't it? I know the minute I get out of bed whether it's going to be a day I can scrape through or one when I just want to go back to bed.

[longedge]

I've lost track of the number of times that I've said to people in reply to being asked if I'm OK, "I'm fine until I get asked if I'm OK". I always say it with a smile and a little laugh so as not to make people feel guilty but it is in fact true. As soon as I start trying to reply to the question I feel my voice start to tremble. Fortunately the reply always meets with kindness and understanding though I find 

[IanWestkingsdown]

Yep I agree with you all.I want to reel off to people why I'm not ok,why I feel so devastated that if I'd only knew that when I left Ian in I.C.U that evening to go home and said I would see him tomorrow and I said I loved him and bye and he said that he loved me too,that would be the last time I saw him awake.He was put into a controlled coma that evening because his body shut down and he became distressed.He never woke again,he died 3 days later.Why didn't I stay with him longer that evening.Why didn't I talk to him until he fell asleep.How he will be devastated that he will miss any grandchildren we may have in the future.How I can't even begin to imagine how I am going to cope on my own for the next 30+ years.How I'm not sure if I am going to afford to carry on living in our family home with shared with the boys,with all these memories.People don't want to listen to this do they????

[Hubby]

There are so many emotions and unanswered questions yet we know that when people ask how we are they expect a short answer like "ups and downs"," muddling along" or, preferably, "fine". They don't really want us to reel off all our feelings and woes. Sometimes we do meet someone who is genuinely concerned but they seem to be  the exception rather than the rule.

Those 'little crys' (often akin to a total meltdown) keep sneaking up on me. I have got quite good at postponing them to a time when I am alone but every now and then something will set me off where I can't hide away. That throws embarrassment into the mix of emotions as people stare, point and go out of their way to keep out if my way. I used to be one of those people.

[IanWestkingsdown]

Yes,funnily enough I have been talking about this subject with one of my work colleagues today (one who IS great at listening and giving sympathy and advice),today I did in fact talk without tears which was good! I was saying that it has surprised me with the friends and family who you think would be able to cope best with someone else's grief and who have totally ceased with phone calls/texts to me.I'm not sure if they are totally preoccupied with their own lives or are just confused as to what to say to a grieving widow,so decide doing nothing is the best option!