Introducing myself

[IanWestkingsdown]

P.S Hubby.You sound exactly like me.I will cry at a favourite song of Ian's that I hear on the radio...or even ones he hated.But the crying can be over in a minute.Other times I sob.I get upset when I don't cry and I think Ian will think I don't care because I haven't cried....and then I cry! Some times I can recall stories about him quite clearly,other times it is through tears and with a lot of snot! I never know what mood I am going to have from one hour to the next.........I wonder if I have bipolar ????

[Hubby]

I've done all those things Lynn. The crying because you havnt cried is a really tough one to get your head around isn't it? It's like not being sad makes you sad. Then there's the opposite. Where crying makes you feel better! What's that all about?

Even now at eight months into the journey I still get surprised by new ways of grieving that pop up unexpectedly and sometimeddon't know how I am going to be feeling from one minute to the next.

But it does get easier to cope. I guess we get used to the uncertainty.

Wishing you strength

 

[Karena]

I remeber you Merrymae. I,m glad you are feeling lighter now -welcome back.

I think there is an element of people not knowing what to say or how to react, but sometimes perhaps we expect too much of people because they are also grieving, Often couples have mutual friends  but those friends feel they are not allowed too exhibit grief because they feel they are down the grief "pecking order" - so they dont even smile and say i,m fine because no-one asks them, and so they need people not involved in that relationship to talk too and we perceive this as turning away from us -  which all sounds a really harsh thing for me to say -but having been in that position in the past  i do know, that is how it can feel.

I have also found that those who offered the greatest support were not the ones you would expect.I think with one exception old friends did melt away,but people i knew less well stepped forward.
Also there are different forms of support, I used to make a dive for a spot behind the shed for a work cry,and one of the guys, who never actually said a word about it but  always contrived to be just around outside, not interfering or offering empty words or trying to stop me crying but just being close enough and often enough for me to recognise he was concerned.(he had lost his brother quite young so perhaps understood better than the others).

[IanWestkingsdown]

I had been invited out tonight by a friend to a nail party,(you know those stick on patterns you stick to your nails?)I do not have long nails because I nibble them,well actually these last 10 months I am nearly down to my knuckles,but my friend had said that it didn't matter,just come out and we will have a drink and a laugh and chat,so I begrudgingly went.It was fine.I saw a friend there that I hadn't seen for a couple of years.Until that is,about an hour into the party,she said she was really sorry to hear about Ian and how had I been.I chatted the normal,good days bad days malarkey,you know the stuff and then I told her about me and the boys and how we seem to take it in turns to have down days and recalled how I had woken my son up on his birthday and he had cried,with that I started to cry too!I apologised to my friend and mumbled that I bet she loved me for dragging down her party.Some of the others who I had never met before looked at me in shock and carried on looking and chatting about nails! When do these random outbursts end,I wonder,if they ever do.

[Emz2014]

Glad you made it out. Its hard if we sometimes dont feel like it, but can often be good for a while. Hopefully the other girls were caring, maybe they thought by getting back to the nails would stop you feeling embarrassed. If people havent lost anyone they often dont have a clue what they should do or say either. I keep wondering whether school should include 'life skills' lessons, how to manage or recognise stress, anxiety and understanding bereavement. But then I also wonder would people understand before it happens to them?

They will become more controllable in time.  I am so thankful i work from home a couple of days a week as I'd find at the beginning i would suddenly find myself crying all over my keyboard.   And other times it was often when someone genuinely asked 'how are you?' that got me. I have a friend in particular who can always see beneath the mask we put on.  It will get easier  xx

[IanWestkingsdown]

Thanks Emz, yes it was fine and a couple of them gave me a hug.Yes I agree,my sister in law (Ians sister) has been amazing but every time I speak to her I cry.I think its because she understands what I am going through.She has been there from the beginning,sorting out all my finances for me when I struggled just to get up in the mornings.She knows what I have been through and the heartaches with the boys and helped me reach decisions  that Ian would have been by my side for.But I do feel guilty that I am always in tears because she has lost her little brother too.

[IanWestkingsdown]

P.S Emz,I don't think anybody can possibly imagine grief and heartache until it happens to them.I remember that in the early days it dawned on me that "This is why they call it heartbreak,because my heart actually feels like its splitting and its aching!"

[Hubby]

Well done on going out. I know how much of a struggle it can be to get the motivation. Mostly if you can get past the reluctance things turn out OK but there will be times when the emotions catch us unawares.

 

[IanWestkingsdown]

Thank you.I don't normally go out two nights running ,but tonight I went out for a meal (only Table Table!) with some friends,social butterfly that I am (I know how to live life in the fast lane!) and I spoke about Ian and the boys,without crying,whoo hoo!!   

[Karena]

I went for bereavement counselling and mentioned my reluctance to accept help from other people and how I would not go out rather than be the burdensome one who might be miserable or cry and make them embarrassed,and she said imagine if the roles were reversed and you were trying to help your friend but she kept refusing your help,it would be like if you gave her a present and she refused to open it,how hurtful that would become

,I certainly think she had a point,that sometimes friends do reach out too us in any way they can find to do it,and for those friends particually who have no experience of loss themselves it must be even more difficult to know how to do that,but because we are afraid of embarrassing them we say no and yet would be hurt ourselves if it was us who wanted to help a friend and would we be embarrassed if that friend cried or resent them not being the life and soul of the party .I know I wouldn't,a party is a contrived event its the people there who make it a good event and what they offer.So what your friend said is right its not about nails,or Tupperware or whatever but about people and I would rather have people around me who were not faking in any situation.

[IanWestkingsdown]

Karena,yes you're right.I would be upset if they refused my help or felt they couldn't cry in front of me.I never thought of it from the my friends side.