Introducing myself

[hb1105]

Hi all, hard to know how to start this but here goes... on Sunday 27th Nov, my mum, aged 64, had a massive heart attack, which triggered a massive stroke. Completely out of the blue and unexpected. She was not at risk, ate well, exercised, didn't smoke, didn't drink much. No pre-existing medical conditions. She is still with us, but since Wednesday morning the advice of four consultants and registrars was that there was nothing that could be done and all that was left was to do whatever possible to make her as comfortable as possible and as such since then the care has been purely palliative and she will not be with us for much longer. She has now had no awake time for over 24 hours and won't again. I already feel bereaved and grieving, but I feel guilty for feeling like this already as she is still here. I have two small boys to think about too (ages 2 & 1) and live 3 hours away from my parents. Juggling the two is currently seeming like an impossibility - wherever I am, I feel guilty for not being in the other place.

[Julie Magson]

Hi 
It is impossible to be everything to everybody. Don't feel guilty about grieving for someone who is still here. I lost my hubby long before he actually died and I know I started grieving when I knew he wouldn't be coming home. Your Mum is peaceful and being looked after- the most important people right now are you and your small children. I'm not being insensitive, it is still tragic for you all to be in this position, and my heart aches for you. It is so hard to know if posts like this come over in the way it is intended, so I hope this isn't one of those.

[hb1105]

Thank you for your message. It really does help and I understand where you are coming from. I know my mum would understand me not being able to be at her bedside 24/7 but it still doesn't stop me from feeling pulled in all directions. The reality is that I want to be able to sit there with her day after day, but I can't. I also want to be with my boys, but again, I can't. They are far too young to bring into all of this.. I know I will feel bad if I am not there at the end. I swing from feeling ready for the end, to stomach in knots at the thought of the whole thing - feeling in complete disbelief that we are even in this position and at the realisation as to how much life  can change in a mere matter of days and at knowing that my life is now forever changed, in a way that I just can't fathom.

[Julie Magson]

I understand exactly what you mean. Do you have someone who would be able to watch your children if you needed to get to the hospital?

[Emz2014]

A guilty feeling is often a normal feeling in bereavement too.  Its a hard journey, sending a welcome hug  xx

[hb1105]

Thank you. My mother in law is helping out with the boys and being the weekend now, my husband won't be at work so can be at home with them too. I just travelled up again this evening. Spent a little time in the hospital and now at my parents' house. Things are starting to change though - I wouldn't be at all surprised if the hospital call us overnight.

Thank you for the warm welcome and support. Just being able to share this with people who have been through bereavement and watching a loved one go is already feeling like a help.

[Hubby]

Welcome to the forum. What a terrible situation to be in.

What is important is that we were there during our loved ones lives. I am sure that your mother would understand how difficult it is for you to juggle things and want you to take care of her grandchildren.

Wishing you strength.