Feeling so very low

[Julie Magson]

I've had a couple of dreams about Alan but not comforting ones, he is always in hospital clothes and has his back turned from me, woke myself up screaming his name once to make him turn round (probably dreamt that bit). As I'm in that waking up thing I think I can hear him coughing and moving about, then reality hits home again.

[longedge]

That's sad Julie, we need every moment of respite and little bit of comfort we can get whether it's real or imagined   

I got comfort from being in the house right from the start, I had worried about how I would react to being in the house after Chris had gone but it was OK, in fact I feel so close to her here that going out is my problem nowadays except when I've got something specific to go out for - like today when I have to go out to get my repeat prescriptions.

I've just had my bath taken out and a shower enclosure put in instead (couldn't get in and more importantly out of the bath!!) and I've also got to go out to choose some new carpet. Like I say, when there's a reason I do go out but not otherwise.

[Julie Magson]

Me too I'm afraid. I'm going to the pictures this afternoon with my sister but don't really want to go.

[Brian71]

It's nice that you guys have had dreams of your loved one, maybe it will happen to me one day...fingers xxx.

The idea of replacing the bath with a shower George is very practical, and much better when we get older.  We bought a new build bungalow almost 10yrs ago and specified a full walk in shower instead of a bath,  one of the best decisions I ever made.  Especially as later Ann had to have both knee joints replaced, and in later years used elbow sticks to help with her walking.   Plus I was also reaching a stage where it was becoming more of a struggle to get out of a bath.

Ann and I always did have a lot of holidays since I retired, and I've been away 4 times since she passed away,   I do like driving, and still drive some very long trips indeed,  I'm driving down to Spain in a couple of weeks.  In reality of course I'm just moving my grieving in the bungalow to a hotel room somewhere.....the worst part is the loneliness.  However I do go out often, for walks along the river,  meals etc...and have been to the cinema about 6 or 7 times,  my daughter and I went to watch the new Magnificent Seven film a couple weeks ago Julie...quite a good film too, as I like Denzil Washington.

Mike, I'm glad that pillow gives you comfort,   I've tried sleeping on Ann's side of the bed a few times,  just to feel a bit closer to her I suppose.  We have 2 double wardrobes here, plus a triple wardrobe in the main bedroom, and that triple robe is mostly full of all her clothes,  The draws at the bottom are still as she left them,  her red cardigan is still on the back of a chair in our dining room.  Her pink slippers are still the side of the bed by her bedside cabinet,  her jewellery box is in the same place,  nothings changed.   It's 7mths in 2 days time, and I've thrown almost nothing out,  other than donate about 15 handbags to a neighbour who volunteers in a local charity shop,  those were in storage boxes under the bed..lol.  I know it's something I have to do at some point, but not yet,  I like having them here....does that sound silly.

[mike59]

I have a walk in shower too it was done for me as an adaption as I am disabled I can walk a few steps with walking sticks,but the shower is a must for me. Brian my good friend you are not silly at all, I cannot change a thing in our bedroom I haven't changed a thing I also can't give away anything yet as I can't even go there just yet, we all have to try do what we all feel Comefortable with and what's best for you.

                                               Best wishes.......Mike 

[Emz2014]

Sending you both a hug    xx

[Hubby]

I've not had a dream about Margaret that I can remember but my counsellor reckons that I may have had dreams I don't remember when I have woken up crying.

Like mikes pillow I have a cushion with Margarets dressing gown in it that I sleep with. It gives me great comfort. Like Brian I like to try to imagine her before sleeping to try and 'seed' dreams but it doesn't happen. I can imagine the shadow of her head in the pillow next to me in the gloom sometimes which can be comforting or upsetting depending on how I am feeling at get time.

[Brian71]

Thanks guys,  that's what's so unique about this site,  it's why I decided to remain on here, we can share things, no matter how ridiculous or silly it sounds,  that if we/I confided to perhaps some others,  I'd likely be locked away in a padded room somewhere...lol

It echo's what that old gentleman told me who I met in the weeks after Anns passing when I was on holiday down in Paignton,  he joined me on a bench overlooking the river Dart in Dartmouth, while I was drinking a cup of tea I'd bought from a cafe/kiosk nearby.
His name was John and had lost his wife 2 years previously, he was 86yrs and they were married for I think he said 63 or 64yrs.
He told me how he took his wife's casket containing her ashes out for a drive quite often,  putting the passenger seatbelt across it to keep it safely in place, he also told me how he often talked to her.  Before we parted,  he said I can tell you Brian,  but if I told anyone else they would likely lock me up....lol   We shook hands and went our different ways, he went off to rejoin his daughter, and I went for a meal in the town a few hundred yards away.   An hour or so later,  I felt this tap on my shoulder, and it's this John who I had been talking to, and he pushed a scrap piece of paper in my hand on which he had scribbled his phone number,  saying anytime you want to chat Brian,  give me a ring,  he was a lovely gentleman, and we have chatted over the phone about 4 or 5 times now, and I feel he enjoys those chats as much as I do.  Next time I'm down that way,  I intend to take him out for a meal, as it will be nice to meet up again, because I owe that elderly gentleman an awful lot.

I've mentioned this encounter with John before in another topic some months ago but thought I'd share it again.  One comment he made stood out in my mind, which was...  I can tell you things Brian, which I wouldn't dream of telling anyone else, and the motto of that true story,  is how I feel about this forum,  something we all share I suspect.   You have to have gone through it to truly empathise,  because many others truly don't understand. 

[mike59]

That is Lovely Brian it actually made me cry, there are some very Genuine people out there,I totally agree this site many times (has saved my Bacon) the most common thing Here most if not all feel the same way one time or another. I think inf the truth was said I can't do without this site even though sometimes I cannot Post here but I read every post written, I Sincerley want too meet as many of you as I can either to Than You or Just to put a face to a name God Bless you All.

                                                                .....Mike

[Brian71]

There was a time, a little while ago Mike,  where I was beginning to question whether coming on often was actually good for me,  you may have read a couple of those posts.  I think I titled one topic 'Time to say goodbye',  simply because sometimes I found myself crying when I read of other peoples experiences, and when posting sometimes,  obviously because although we try and put on a brave face, sometimes it just hits us, and you Mike and others will know exactly what I mean.  IOW I went through a stage where I found it a little distressing coming on here.
However,   the benefits of this site, far outweigh my own negative thoughts which I had for a short while, who am I to deprive anyone of that same support, comfort and assurance you guys showed to me.

"SO... A REALLY BIG THANK YOU TO ALL THE PEOPLE WHO KEEP THIS SITE RUNNING!"

[longedge]

"SO... A REALLY BIG THANK YOU TO ALL THE PEOPLE WHO KEEP THIS SITE RUNNING!"

Seconded Brian.

I can now just sit back and rest because you and Mike are putting my own thoughts into words for me. I've stopped being surprised by now how often a post says exactly what's going on or has recently passed through my own mind. We're all the same aren't we 

[Hubby]

it is said that grief is personal and that the way each of us grieve is unique but there does seem to be a lot of common experiences.

The beauty of this site is that those of us who are between waves can offer a lifeline to those caught up in them knowing that the line will be passed back when we need it.

[Julie Magson]

I too have 'those' thoughts occasionally. In the early days I couldn't understand why I was being careful trying to cross the road, why I keep eating etc. if I wanted to 'go'. There is such a strong survival instinct in us isn't there? There must be a reason why we are here, and why we DO keep going against all the odds. I still have those thoughts sometimes, I bet most of us do so I am trying to think of it as yet another 'stage' in this horrible journey and that one day it will get easier.

[Karena]

I certainly had them but also went through a phase of being quite careless,not just neglecting myself but crossing the road without looking lucky the traffic is slow here because I got beeped at a couple of times and realised what I had done. Just stepped out .It wasn't deliberate just so stuck in my own bubble of misery I just wasn't aware what I was doing but once I was I didn't care either.I thought perhaps an accident would be less hurtful to people who cared.How selfish was that.You can't have an accident and not involve someone else in some distressing way,but I wasn't thinking straight about anything.
When I did wake up too it.I had been given some antidepressants I took one literally as prescribed and the effect was horrendous I was hallucinating I couldn't breathe I couldn't move to phone for help and all I was thinking was if i die that everyone would assume it was deliberate what I would put my family through,the friends who had supported me,including people here.Eventually it wore off and I realised I wanted to live no matter how bad things felt for me, it was better to live..The tablets went straight down the loo I think it must have been some allergic reaction but I havnt touched an antidepressant since.

[Hubby]

In the early days I had the thoughts and actually did research on the best ways to end it all. When I told the counselling service they nearly had me sectioned. Some nights I was on to the Samaritans for hours. Strange thing is that even though I was so obsessed I don't think I would have gone through with it. It just gave me comfort to know there was an exit route if things got too much.

More worrying are my lone visits to the grave. I have always found it upsetting and have kept away. This has had the effect of me only going when I am already at a very low point and going there makes me even worse. At those times I have found myself acting on spur if the moment decisions and only stopping because people were around.

I guess if I actually think about it I'm not going to do it. It's what I could do without thinking that frightens me.