Six months

[Hubby]

Thanks for the replies.

I would probably be off sick now if I didn't have a massive amount of annual leave to get shut of. I should have realised it was cutting down the tablets that was bringing me down as the past few weeks have been much tougher than any previous setbacks.

I took the full dose last night and I slept like a log. In fact I slept well into the afternoon and I think I needed it. My head has been much clearer.
I took the dog to the vets and made tea (when I'm down I can't be bothered cooking). I even made a start on tidying the front room which was very upsetting at times. There were lots of little 'booby traps' in there to set me off. Things I didn't want to see and things I wanted to get rid of but couldn't bring myself to. A lot of stuff I had to hide away or just arrange into piles to deal with another time. I gave up halfway through but you can see some improvement in the room.

Lots of tears yes but not as bad as I have been over the past week just doing nothing

[Julie Magson]

What I've done about that is got a small box/basket and put those types of things in that and put it somewhere where I'm not looking at it all the time, the stuff I can't yet throw but didn't want to see.

[Hubby]

Thanks Julie.

I've got a memory box I bought off the internet that I keep little mementoes in. I can't remember what is in it and I still don't feel strong enough to sit down and go through it. The things in the front room aren't the sort of things I want to keep but then again I don't want to get rid of them either. There's the birthday presents from ten days before she collapsed, Valentine's cards she had kept, some of her favourite clothes and day to day stuff that I should just throw out but it was Margarets. I think I shall have to take a step back and tell my daughters to sort it and be ruthless or I will never get rid of any of it.

I had about six hours sleep last night. I've had Ollie round all day today. It was real fun the only downside bring billy wanting to lick him all the time. We went to the local market where I got some really nice artificial poinsettias to put on the graves for Christmas and then we played for hours. I did get a bit upset in the afternoon thinking of how Margaret would have loved being there (and made s better job of feeding him his lunch than I did). When he left I was worn out. 

All I've done tonight is Hoover a big upstairs and get chippy chips to go with some ham for tea. I'm hoping to get a good sleep tonight and do some more cladding tomorrow.

[Karena]

  I had to move so had no choice but to go through stuff but very little didn't come with me.The day I moved I hung his dressing gown on the back of the new bedroom door.But things like wedding photos,CD,s etc that I couldn't cope with I put away until I could.Please don't feel you have to part with anything now,you will know when and if to let things go.I have managed to over the years recognise that I can detach from some things and not others.That dressing gown by the way is still there.

[Hubby]

Thanks Karena. I have a pair of Margarets PJ's hanging on the bedroom door. I doubt they will ever go. The things that confuse me are things like her second favourite dressing gown. It wasn't even her favourite but I can't bring myself to get rid. Similarly there's a photo frame set someone got us for our pearl wedding anniversary. I always hated it and would willingly have thrown it in the bin. Not now 

I had a good nine hours uninterrupted sleep last night. A bit of a cry this morning then launched myself into the cladding job again. I think another day will see the job completed as much as it can be until the plasterer turns up.

My daughters boyfriend has turned up which means they have spent all day in her room watching films. They ordered their tea in so I made myself a nice prawn curry with egg fried rice for my tea. I also got some nice whoopsied cakes to spoil myself.

Apart from the cry this morning there hasn't been much upset but I am getting some strange thoughts running through my head. They all seem to revolve around there being some way Margaret can come back. I know she can't but the thoughts keep popping into my head. Something to bring up in counselling methinks.

Take care.

[Karena]

  maybe things like second best dressing gown and frames could go in a box or a suitcase in the loft so you havnt parted with them but don't keep falling over them.

[Hubby]

Thanks Karena. I think they will stay where they are for the time being.

I had a good sleep again last night. Got up pretty late and had a bit of a clean around. I went to Margarets grave with my youngest and dropped in at hers on the way home for a cuppa. Then they came to my house and I had a bit of a play with Ollie before doing another curry for tea.

I had a few little moments but I managed to hold them back and I'm just relaxing now. I'm back at work tomorrow but off the rest of the week. My eldest is going to do me a list of people I should get cards for and I think I'll do a Christmas shop one day in the week.

All in all not such a bad day. I think increasing the meds may have done he trick.

[Julie Magson]

Fingers crossed they are having an effect Hubby.
Had you thought of maybe buying scratch cards or lottery tickets for people? A lot easier for you.

[Hubby]

Thanks Julie. I think they are doing the job even though I want to be off them as soon as possible. I've been taking them for over five years and I think I was in a bit too much of a rush to give them up.

Today has been fine, I had a relaxing day in work where I was left to my own devices and managed to crack on with a few outstanding jobs. I'm off the rest of the week.

I did a bit if shopping on the way home and went to the cemetery. Not to Margarets grave, I don't go there alone and certainly not in the dark. I went to my granny's grave and tried to clean the stone. I got it s bit cleaner but the marble is discoloured from the algae. Any tips on cleaning white marble appreciated.

When I got home I had to root round to try and find some Christmas wreaths. Margaret always put hen away and I can't find them anywhere. The search had me in places I would rather not be looking and I had a few cries there, pretty intense but short lived. I've just been out to do a shop for s neighbour and now I'm winding down.

I suppose it's one of those 90% days.

[Hubby]

Quite a good day today.

No crying. I got up and fed a neighbours dog while they are away. I went to the opticians to be measured up for my new safety specs, went to the cemetery to try and clean my grannies grave a bit better in the daylight then came home and cooked my forst joint of meat, A nice piece of pork (I didn't cremate it but the crackling was the saltiest thing on earth). After that I put a few christmas decorations in the window then made a stew in the slow cooker for tomorrow. No rush, everything at a slow steady pace.

One thing I am delighted to report is that, for the first time, I had a memory of Margaret that made me happy without getting upset afterwards. I see that as a major milestone and thought it would never happen.

[Emz2014]

That's great to hear. I know how it's so so hard at the beginning to think that could even be possible.
Just slow steady baby steps, a subtle gradual journey  xx

[Julie Magson]

Oh Hubby- you sound to have had a much better day- well done you X

[Hubby]

Thanks for the replies. Monday was a good day.

Yesterday wasn't so bad either. I went into town and had a look around the shops before my counselling. I did get slightly upset in there but it wasn't anything major. After that I got all my Christmas cards. My eldest daughter made me a list of who I have to send them to. I was going to get some gifts but I couldn't choose anything so I'm going to have to have a think. I'll probably end up running round like a headless chicken the last shopping day before Christmas as usual.

When I got home I just had a relax but at bedtime I got pretty upset and didn't go online at all.

Today I've been carrying on with the cladding job. I've done most of it but the little fiddly bits are taking forever and keep going wrong. I'll get there in the end. I've just had a little cry now but that's the first if the day.

So two days the majority of which was bearable. That can't be bad.

[Julie Magson]

Do you not fancy the lottery ticket/scratch card route Hubby? There is no way I could even contemplate shopping and wrapping this year so it's money from me and they will just have to understand (which they will).

[Hubby]

Thanks Julie. I might go down the scratchcard route or even just cash but shopping at least gets me out even if I don't actually buy anything.

I went to the market yesterday and put more lights up I one of the Windows. They are all full of lights now. I've got more decorations to put up but my heart isn't really in it so I'll do them as and when. I made a stir fry for tea. After that I went out for a drink with my workmates and got slightly hammered.

This morning I paid the price for the drinking and couldn't really do anything till well after dinner time. I wrote my Christmas cards which was quite upsetting then I made a start on tidying the bedroom. Deciding I needed more drawer space to store stuff I emptied Margarets chest of drawers into bin bags and carried them downstairs but I couldn't throw them out. It felt like I was throwing my wife in the bin and I broke down crying. My daughter put them out for me. The bedroom is half done but I can't bring myself to do any more today.

I've just done mince and mashed spuds for tea. In getting better at knocking up food. I think I'll just watch telly for the rest of the night.