Lonelier place

[BT]

does anyone else have days when they feel the world is a much lonelier place and moments of desperation ?  I felt that way today. 

[Julie Magson]

Yes BT very frequently. I have never known such loneliness, all part of the ups and downs we are going through.

[Brian71]

Absolutely BT, all the time...

[Emz2014]

Yes BT, I had loads of those.  I could even be with my partner or friends and feel so deeply alone inside. (Not their fault, just the emotions i was dealing with).
I found the forum a comfort as others here understood and I could open up

It will get easier, just take it one step at a time    and we're always here xx

[BT]

Some days I feel I am better then I feel rock bottom again thanks everyone for sharing.

[longedge]

Yep me too - and then every now and again a little bright spot in the day comes along. My youngest grandson has just started secondary school and today, after school he came round and had tea with me to tell me all about his day. Always gives me a big hug as he's going (when he hasn't got his mates with him  )

[Hubby]

It seems to be the the way grief works to have ups and downs. Good days, bad days, days that start good and turn bad, days that start bad and turn good and days that we don't know how we are going to feel from one minute to the next.

If only we could know in advance what kind of day we would have it would make it so much easier to plan ahead.

[angela33]

Yes loneliness is the dreadful place I struggle mostly with. I have lost my Mum, Dad and Brother over the past 10 years and then my husband of 34years last December. The fact of my not being 'special' to anyone else in the world eats away at me.  The feeling that no-one is bothered if I don't get home on time, or interested in what I've felt or done in the day is unbelievably hard.  Yes I have friends I can talk to about stuff but its that deeper level of connection with someone who knows so much about me (good and bad) that I find weighs heavy almost all the time and which of course is irreplaceable. How we get through this process is quite extraordinary, but as people on here say, somehow it gets better or at least easier to live with so that's a reason to keep going x

[Julie Magson]

Yes you say it so well Angela. The one person who loved me in that special way is gone and I will never be anyone's number 1 again. I often think if I fell or was ill nobody would know, especially at the weekends as I do work during the week.

[Jacks]

Yes never felt so alone even when I'm with people I'm still lonely without my husband xx

[angela33]

I struggle every day with loneliness - waking up and remembering AGAIN that my husband is not here and hasn't just popped out or gone away for a few days he is gone forever.  The hardest of things to really accept.  Not only am I missing the comfort and familiarity of his company and the part he played in my life but I am also lonely for our future, the relationship that might have been - all the things we might have done or become and how we might have grown together into full old age. As a lot of you say, the loneliness is not something that is taken away by being with friends or in the company of others, though of course, friendships and company are great things and can bring huge comfort sometimes. I was so unprepared for the many ways that grief and loss would affect me. But 10 months since John died and I am better than I was and still moving forward so despite getting ambushed by grief when I least expect it, I keep going in hope.

[Hubby]

It is a different type of loneliness as you say Angela.

It is only now that I have lost her that I realise exactly how much Margaret influenced every part of my life even when she was not there.

Damn. Just typing that has set me off for the first time today 

[angela33]

Really sorry that your reply to my post sent you into tears Hubby.  I have been so enjoying reading how you responded to the Leeds visit and how you and everyone there made the day special for each other. I am sometimes like a football fan on the sideline reading people's posts and hearing what great steps forward they are making - 'YAAAAAAAAAY y'all, well done you.' But tears can oil the wheels and help us move forward.  Doesn't make them ok though does it.  I've been wobbling around today, feeling a bit bonkers really after a period of managing reasonably well, as today is 10 months since the date my husband John died and I have felt his absence from my life so deeply today.  As you say, you don't realise what a profound influence our loved ones have on our lives until fate snatches them away from us.
Anyway tomorrow I begin an eight week course of Mindfulness training which I hope will help me to ground myself in the present and live in reality. It does seem to be a really helpful way of thinking/being for a lot of people so I'm hoping it will be another level of support for me.

[Hubby]

No need to be sorry Angela. As you pointed out in your previous post grief has always got a little ambush lined up for us, normally when we least expect it. If it hadn't been while typing the reply it would have been something else. I find a few tears here and there can help 'keep it real' as it were and remind me that actually I am mainly doing OK even though I'm still grieving.

Please let me know how the mindfulness thing goes. It was recommended to be by my counsellor but I have not looked into it yet.

[angela33]

Will do Hubby