Almost six months since I lost my husband

[TriciaD]

Hello everyone, my name is Pat and I lost my husband, Ron, on Easter Sunday this year, just 10 weeks before our Golden Wedding Anniversary.

He had heart problems which started in 2013, had a heart attack in August 2015 and was in hospital for a long time. As I am taking legal action for medical negligence against the hospitals involved I won't say anymore than that at this time, if you don't mind.

We have five grown up children, nine grandchildren and five great-grandchildren (one of whom is with the angels, still-born). We are very blessed with our family and their support has been a Godsend.

I know they miss their dad and grandad. Somehow, though it isn't the same. I know because I've lost both my parents and I loved (and still do) them very much but when they passed I did not feel this total emptiness that I feel now. Some days I'm fine for most of the time, other days all I want to do is curl up and sleep until it is my time to join Ron. Even on the days I 'feel fine' I get a strong urge to scream and scream at the unfairness. He was a good man and it wasn't his time to go.

We used to joke about who would go first and what we would or would not miss about each other. I would tell him I wouldn't miss his moaning but I do, I really do. Sometimes when I've done something I'll think 'Ron would have a right old moan about this' then I feel sad because he can't.

My cousin lost her husband suddenly just a few weeks after Ron passed and it was she who introduced me to the Facebook page. I haven't really put much on there yet because, well truly because I haven't been asked. I know that sounds childish but I've seen other posts welcoming newcomers and I feel sort of ignored. Sorry.

I'll finish for now, cos I'm getting a bit upset again.

Hugs and best wishes to you all
Pat xx

[Emz2014]

Sending a welcome hug Pat 
You'll find a friendly supportive bunch here. You'll find unlike Facebook it is easier to find your posts, and they wont disappear down the timeline in a flurry of posts.  If you get stuck atall finding your way around, just say and we can all help

Losing our loved ones is hard, a rollercoaster journey but you are not alone here xx

[Brian71]

Welcome Pat,  so sorry to hear about your husband Ron,  it's ironic because I've had 4 heart attacks myself, though in recent years my health has improved,  but it was always assumed I would naturally go first, our family thought so too, and in some ways I wish it had been that way....but things often don't happen the way you expect.   I lost my wife suddenly to lung cancer 5mths ago,   there is a hospital SIRI investigation taking place at the moment (serious incident requiring investigation)  the CQC (Care Quality Commission) who are the government hospital inspectors are also involved,  but AYS this is not the place to air it.   It wasn't my wife's time either,  but is there ever a right time...of course not.

I'm pleased to hear your family have been there for you during this sad time,  (I wish I could say the same)  in fairness my daughter is the only one who keeps in touch with me, it's unfortunate she lives 240 miles away.

Life can seem so cruel sometimes Pat,  how we can go from being extremely happy with that person we love more than anything else in the world,  to a life of emptiness, and loneliness with days filled with sadness and tears.   That feeling where you think nothing matters any more,  many will sympathise but unless you have lost your husband or wife they simply have no idea how we really feel.....there's nothing worse.

If you want to scream Pat....then go ahead and scream,   all married couples have the odd moan at each other, we did occasionally, and we were married 49yrs, so like you and Ron we didn't quite make that magic 50 either,  but there's not a minute goes by when I don't miss her.   Physically I'm coping, well the best I can...but like you, emotionally... well that's something else,  when my wife's life finished I feel mine did too, and I'm sure you know that feeling Pat.

However, somehow we have to go on, and it is hard....very hard....some days worse than others,  but we have to continue trying.

Have strength Pat and accept this little hug from me.   You take care, and sometimes talking about it to others does help a little.
 

[Julie Magson]

Hello Pat, I lost my hubby 5 months ago and can relate to all you say. I hope coming on here helps you as much as it helps me. As for the FB page, I'm surprised that you haven't had a welcome post? Could you have missed it do you think because things disappear pretty quickly on there, I'm sure it's just a glitch and certainly won't be personal but I can understand how it makes you feel. 

[TriciaD]

Thank you so much for your welcoming words, Julie, Brian and Emz. They gave me a warm, belonging feeling and I think I am going to find much comfort on here. I send love and hugs to all of you.

I have read some of the posts and I can see how everyone is there for everybody. It is good to know that we are not alone and that I'm not crazy for feeling how I do. As though I'm living in some kind of bubble and not sure of the way out or even if there is a way out.

Lots of people, my dad included, have said that they can't move house because that is where their memories are. I find I'm the opposite - the house is a constant reminder that I'm now on my own. Just a few days before he passed we had some disability aids put in the bathroom and the stairs, only rails to hold on to and a second bannister. He only used the ones in the bathroom once, when he had a shower the morning he was taken back into hospital. They are very hand as I have some mobility problems myself but they were for him not me and I hate them.

Brian, you made me smile when you said I should go ahead and scream. I don't think it would go down too well in the middle of the shopping centre.

Thank you again for your kind and encouraging words.

[Hubby]

Hi Pat. Welcome to the forum. I'm so sorry to hear of the loss of your husband.

I lost my wife on 19th March. I am also in that seemingly unending cycle of good/bad days. Just when I think things might  be improving along comes another wave of grief. I would give anything just to be nagged by her again. Everything is just so quiet.

Of course it isn't going to happen. We have to carry on even though there doesn't seem to be any point to anything any more. One day at a time until we learn to cope.

Stay strong.

 

[sue smith]

Welcome Pat,  it's 6 years since I lost my husband but I remember the early days very clearly.   However those days are behind me now and I carry on with life,  not the same life and not one that I wanted but it is my life.  I miss him every minute of the day still and suppose now I always will but I don;t have the panic days although I do still have tears.  Take things slowly and get used to this new life,  look after yourself and come here and talk to us  xx

[TriciaD]

Well my first thought on waking today was "I wonder what my friends on the forum are saying today". I am finding so much comfort within these 'walls', more than I ever imagined so thank you all once again.

Hubby, it seems you lost your wife just a week before Ron passed. I understand what you mean about wishing you could be nagged again and the quiet. I am fortunate in that I have always been happy in my own company and when Ron went fishing or bowling I was okay just getting on with whatever I had to do. But now I'm finding that I get bored with myself, if you know what I mean, and I long for the times we would sit holding hands watching our favourite programmes, especially NCIS. There was an ad on Facebook the other day for a t-shirt with 'Gibbs' Rules' and a list of his rules. He would so have loved to have one of them. (Sorry if you don't know NCIS, you won't understand what I mean.) I have 10 programmes recorded of NCIS but I just can't bring myself to watch them yet.

Sue, well done for getting on with your life. Somebody said to me recently that my life will never be the same and I thought then that I would have to live a new kind of life. In a way, it will be an adventure I suppose but right now I am still in transition and can't focus on  the future. It's a bit like when I was pregnant with my children, imagining what our lives would be like when they arrived. Never really how I had imagined so I'm not even trying to imagine my future without Ron, I'm just moving through each day.

Oh, it sure feels good to say all these things to people who understand.

Love and hugs to you all. xx

[Emz2014]

Really glad you had that thought Pat and are finding comfort here.  I can truly say its a lovely bunch here.   

We also have meet ups sometimes, we aim for a weekend each year, as central as possible for members to get to, and smaller meets across the country through the year (one is coming up in Leeds). I went to this years main meet in May and have come away with extremely fond memories and some true friendships.  We are planning the weekend for next year now, and there's meets popping up in between so if you feel up to it, definitely come along. 

Ive watched some NCIS, but never in any order.  My favourite season is Autumn and am finding all my favourite series are starting up again.  Maybe I'll set up a tv thread so we can all chat about our favourites or make recommendations :-) 

Day by day is the best way, even hour by hour if need be on a bad day  xx

[Brian71]

NCIS was my wife's favourite,  she was mad about it, in fact it did my head in sometimes...lol  She must have watched every episode several times due to all the repeats, and not just Gibbs in NCIS but all the others too. Los Angeles, Miami, CSI and CSI New York,  I know every episode of ALL OF THEM inside out..lol

Even if there was a decent film on which I fancied watching.....no it had to be NCIS or one of the CSI/NCIS offerings,  though in fairness we do have a 2nd 42" TV and a freesat recorder in the other room if there was anything special I wanted to watch,   but in reality I rarely used it...it's had no use.

One things for sure,  I wish she was watching it now....Bless her.   She also liked British Bake off (which I hate), and House Hunting programs,  Bargain Hunt, and Casualty and Holby,  though I also like watching the last three. 

[Hubby]

With Margaret it was soaps. Every night, eastenders, coronation street, emmerdale farm, sometimes more than one episode. My daughters and me gave up watching anything we liked while they were on many years ago.

Now she's not here what do me and my daughter have on telly?

You guessed it, the soaps. Still can't stand them but anything else seems wrong 

[Brian71]

It's strange because I've been doing the opposite Hubby,  I've been avoiding NCIS,  in fact I didn't mind watching them at all as they are quite good, and I have seen most episodes several times,  but I think it's because it's a reminder, and I feel it's just not the same watching them now.

[TriciaD]

Morning friends,

Emz, I think you've hit on a good idea. Having a tv thread - we could discuss our favourite programmes and those of the people we have lost. I don't think I could handle a meet right now, but maybe if there is one in Manchester in the future .....

Brian, my husband was the same. He would watch every episode on every channel. I found that a bit confusing because in one programme McGee was stocky and then in the next he was slim. But he loved them and I grew to love them too (new episodes) and like you I just can't watch them at the moment. Another favourite, of both of us, was Bones. I think your wife and my husband would have been "telly mates" as it seems they both enjoyed the same programmes. Of all the ones you mentioned the only one he didn't watch was British Bake Off.

Hubby, it's strange how you get hooked by the soaps although I've hardly ever watched Eastenders. I lost track of Coronation Street a few years ago when a pen-pal came to visit from Canada. They are about six months or so behind us and I didn't want to spoil it for her (she's an avid fan) so I didn't watch them whilst she was here then just never picked up on them again. Recently watched a few when staying with my children.

Yesterday I was looking through photos and stuff on my PC and came across a video of Ron trying to say 'Peter piper picked a peck of pickled pepper' with his new teeth in. It had made us laugh so much I thought I'd be able to watch it; I did but ended up in tears.

Sorry for chunnering on.

Off to Slimming World this evening - don't think I will have lost anything though, I've been doing a bit of comfort eating this week.

Love and hugs xx

[Hubby]

Apologies are never needed on here Pat.

What you said about the video struck a nerve. I had one poor quality video where I could just see Margaret for a second in the background then I found another I didn't know I had where she could be seen more clearly and for longer even though there's no sound and the main subject is my dog going mental. I am really pleased I found the video but it destroys me to watch it.

That's the weird mixed up world if bereavement for you. Things that make us happy also make us sad. We are pleased to have happy memories but also upset that there won't be making any more. At this stage the sad thoughts swamp the happy ones. I guess as time goes by we will be more able to cope with the sadness and seize the pleasant thoughts.

Roll on those days.

[longedge]

Photos and videos are a real double edged sword for me. Mine go right back to when we were both babies but I can't look for more than a minute or two after which I can't see through the tears. I keep trying though.