My first birthday without him

[Rosaleen]

I lost my beloved partner of 35 years to cancer  on Nov 1st last year.I've read and know from my own experience  that special days like Christmas,  that was awful, anniversaries, the birthday of the one you've lost(both still to come) are really  hard to take, but I've never come across anyone's experience of  their own first  birthday without their loved one. Mine is tomorrow. Feeling very down, dreading anyone daring to send me a happy birthday card. I threw total wobblers when  happy Christmas cards arrived  at Christmas. i ve planned  things to do  this afternoon and tomorrow on my own which is what I want and need as distractions but it's not working this morning
Don't know what else to say...

[Dave Administrator]

Rosaleen I so understand how you're feeling right now and has taken me back to my 1st birthday situation although different to yours to be honest.

I certainly could have added it on my saddest days list and even now many years later I can't see that at that time it could have been any different.

I'm sort of stuck for honest advise because what I would tell you with many years now past and much easier for me to do now, is in truth not what I could have done then but never the less I can only say try as hard as you can not to be upset with your friends and family who do wish you a happy birthday, because for them it's truly what they want for you and it's cutting them up to see you in such pain especially on such a special day as your birthday.

All I can say with total conviction Rosaleen, is that your beloved partner would not want you breaking your heart and hurting for them on your birthday and it's from this very thought that you must try and draw some strength from this.  If you can just believe they are with you tomorrow (like in the film Ghost) just smile and try and be happy from remembering the precious happier memories they left you, to give their spirit and yours some peace.   

[Karena]

Hi Rosaleen.my first birthday was my fiftieth,it should have been a special one,and in the end it was but not in the same way.I arranged to meet a friend for a quiet weekend,camping.my plan was to be away and avoid the whole thing.the site was a place called gordale scar,a place he always said he would take me and we never got round too.unknown to me,she had enlisted a few more friends and the place itself is just so special.these were Keith's friends too so they had lost him as well.
I decided i wanted to climb the scar and friends pushed pulled and helped me do it.in a way it was symbolic of their support and of climbing out of the abyss even if just for that short time.its not too far away so I can go back.you walk along a stream and its very pleasant but you are totally unprepared for the moment you walk round the corner and get your breath taken away.those ancient rocks,the waterfall appearing to fall from the sky,trees clinging precariousl and miraculously to the sides,even they are symbolic of my fragile state at the time.it has become for me a sacred place.I have even wondered if it was somehow his birthday gift to me.
I hope your day got better and you got the support I did.As Dave said it is difficult for friends to know what to do,not sending. a card at all might actually be worse than sending a wrong one.

[Rosaleen]

Dave, thanks so much for all  you've said. Some of the time I am now starting to be able to take on this frame of mind,  of how he would not want to see me like this.  It's just the last few days, leading  up to my birthday tomorrow, it's been  somehow forgotten or swamped by other emotions.
I do keep him with me, he is a part of me, in my thoughts, in our likes and dislikes,  in  our shared memories.   The  happier ones,  that you mentioned,  are just beginning to surface for me after 4  and half long months of only the awful memories of his illness and dying
Your idea of giving his spirit some peace, which he so deserves, is a new one for me. I'll try my hardest to take this on board

[Rosaleen]

karena
Just read your post. I'm pleased for you that your birthday turned outin a way you hadn't anticipated it sounds quite special how it might have been somehow a gift from him.
My day did get better in that I went to see a play that I liked and I know he would have absolutely  loved. But when I got home I crashed again. Fortunately BUK was here and  has helped to lift me back up.......... Again.

[Emz2014]

 :hearts:xx

[Dave Administrator]

Rosaleen I'm thrilled to bits to hear that and wish you great strength and faith in this,, also reading the fantastic words of wisdom from the other post here for you are lovely. 

[Rosaleen]

Dave
Just to add to the end of my last post, I've learnt many  many things on this site, including the concept of  continuing bonds, which was totally new  to me and so meaningful,  it's a concept I've grasped with both hands.
 I  remember reading Jeanette/Rajahh saying how, after five years of bereavement,  she still  talks to her husband every day, which I've also  taken on board.
Recently in a novel I read, someone asks the main character where his wife is and he replies
"She's in my head. that's where she lives now"

[Karena]

Continuing bonds was like a great weight lifted off me.instead of trying to be "normal" I could focus on doing just that and believing what I felt to be true,that he is still around me,still part of my life and watching over me so even though I miss him everyday,I don't have to let go of that feeling and am keeping him in my life in a way.

[Rosaleen]

Karena hi
I love how you've put these continuing bonds into words

[rajahh]

Hi Rosaleen.  a few months late in replying, but for the future I offer a tip that I do on days special to me.

Every Christmas, every birthday of mine, every Valentine day, every wedding anniversary,  I " allow" Gordon to buy me a present.!!!!

I go shopping, and when I come across something which really takes my eye, and I know I don't really need it I say  What would Gordon say?   I know he would say  let me buy it for you, so that is exactly what happens.

I love wearing his presents and they always bring a smile to my face.

I start early, and to be honest often it is when I am shopping to buy a present for a friend I actually see something which stands out.

I got into the way of doing this when my daughter and grand daughter died, because my daughter used to be a florist so I usually bought myself a special bouquet, and on Mothers Day too . I used to put out previous years cards too, but I have not done that for a year or two now .

Hoping this idea might help you in the future.   Jeannette

[Rosaleen]

Hi Jeanette
Thanks for replying to me and for your tip. I had actually used  your idea when it was my birthday as George would always buy me(and always amongst other things)  a lovely container of preplanted annuals. So this March I did it, from him to me. The container is outside my kitchen sink window so I see it all the time.
 I did not  put out any birthday cards, but many of the ones George had given me over the years along with his Valentine cards are cellotaped on the inside doors of the wardrobe he made. (He was a carpenter)So every time I open the doors I see them.
 I love your idea of Gordon buying you presents  I don't think I would have ever thought of that for myself, but now I will. So thanks very much
Rosaleen