Hey Louise.
I just joined tonight and yours is the 1st post I have read. I cannot believe how similar my situation is to yours in relation to our partners. Like yourself I to am with him for a long time, 21 years and my dad's 1st anniversary is also in March. This could possibly be where the similarities end but I had a lightbulb switched on in my brain today & just in case you can relate to any of it, I'm going to share with you.
He has been trying to tell me for weeks now that I am not right. I am not myself, I have become lazy, I have let myself go, I'm not interested in the house, we are living in a pig sty. I would rather spend all day in bed at the weekends, than spend time with him. These have not been his exact words but its what I'm hearing when he tries to talk to me. He has been giving of about my attitude to work. Going in late, ringing in for days of and taking a lot of half days for no reason other than to come home and sleep. I actually told him the other night that he is a nag!!! I thought the women were meant to be nags!! Some things have been very harsh when said in anger from both sides. The more he says the angrier I get and the more i try to hurt him, like I'm hurting. I have been so angry with him and I am the sulker, so things drag out even longer. He lost his mum 7 years ago and should understand how I feel!! This has caused so many very heated arguments.
That all changed for me today. I was asked to call round to my manager, to have a how are you doing chat with her. When what she really meant was its a you are not coping at all chat. Everything my hubby has been trying to tell me was repeated back to me today. Minus the house stuff as she hasn't seen inside here lately!! A few of my colleagues had spoke with her because they know I am struggling. They have noticed the changes in me. We work in a very busy office and because ive been totally thinking of only myself I have been adding undue pressure on them. Skiving of, taking extra long breaks etc Some of who I count as friends and not just colleagues and this is totally unacceptable to me to think that I have done this. I have been talking with one of them tonight and she did try to speak with me a couple of weeks ago and I brushed her of. I have had my head buried in the sand, fooling no-one but myself that I have been coping and am just fine. Hearing exactly the same thing as my hubby has been trying to tell me from an outsider has opened my eyes. I came home spent an hr talking to him and told him not to speak until I had finished. I have got everything out in the open, exactly how I'm feeling, told him what really annoys me, what sets me of. Things like when he says you'll be ok and you'll get through this!!! How does he know this?? Or and this one really gets me going 'you need to relax and stop worrying' seriously!!!! telling me when I am seconds away from having a panic attack to relax is not the right thing to do!! However you don't know how much of a relief it was when he hugged me, said thank god that someone has been able to get through and that his only concern was that I did not slip any further down the route I was heading. I'm fine has become my favourite phrase at the minute when someone asks. He is 100% behind me and hates to see me hurting and is just so glad that I'm actually going to do something to try and get on track. I'm not going to say normal, as things for me will never be normal again.
I am in no way saying that this is same for yourself, but I wanted to let you know in circumstances like this you are not alone. And hopefully if you sit him down and talk he will be able to see your points.
I hope that things will start to get easier as people have been suggesting. I just hope that its soon. xxxx