As Emz says it isn't a straightforward journey.In the early days you are in a state of shock but there are always the distractions of arrangements for funeral and sorting paperwork out,then people go back too their lives and somehow you get left behind and start thinking you should be able to do the same which makes you pile pressure on yourself at a time when you need to be kind too yourself..For you,also when your husband is not able to support you and isn't really coping himself and Xmas coming up so soon it makes for a really tough time.
As Emz said don't be afraid to ask for professional help,I got counselling through my GP which helped,but its important you are honest about your feelings with them.
I struggled for a long time with similar thoughts but then imagined if there is an afterlife and we really are with our loved ones,how would that conversation go.
I know my husband would have been disappointed if I had thrown away my life after he fought so hard to keep his,and angry that I had created even more hurt for the family.
I know that my daughters would have been left with the horrible guilt and anger I was feeling even though they had tried their best to help me,I would in a way saying to them that I didn't love them enough to stay.
Then there would be the other part of the conversation,which would be very short,the one where I filled him in on what was going on,the things I had seen places I went how would that go if I had nothing to say.
So I decided I would try and be his eyes,see the beautiful things in the world he would be missing,do some of the things he would have liked to do,and try and live my life for both of us as a tribute too him.It wasn't easy and there were a lot of times I wanted to give up, the black clouds of those early days are still just over my shoulder but much further away and i know if they do catch up again i will run faster than them because i have done it so many times now .I have made it through six years now and those thoughts of joining him before my time have gone because in living life for him I am learning to live it for myself too.