Well sadly using wine is something I have been doing too much of, and like you all I struggle to cry and as a result my lifelong anxiety returns, i have found that sometimes I put on the music from mum's funeral, go through her memorybox,or just go over and over in my head that night and I find myself curled up in a ball sobbing, however it does seem to be a bit of a release at the time.i have been having counselling to learn relaxation techniques via breathing etc, but that's hard to do alone when you are in such a state. I feel constantly that if she or Dad reached down their hand for me I would join them in a heartbeat, I move myself from one goal to another, funeral, put in complaint at hospital, organise stone, order a ring with her ashes, now am thinking about naming a star after them, my husband says I am just doing to hang on to her, my siblings were not close to her and don't want to know, like you all are saying it's just so hard