Hi, 25 years almost to the day after losing my Dad my Mum who was 89, called my name and had a massive heart attack, I didn't get in to her room quick enough, I shall never know if her last conscious thoughts were aware I had got there, I did C P R on her on instruction from the ambulance people over the phone, I was alone with her, i remember screaming at her and sobbing begging her to come back, at the same time could hear her bones crack as I pumped down on her. Two ambulance crews arrived followed by a senior paramedic, I heard them say we have a pulse after a few minutes the senior paramedic said somebody has to make a decision as whether to carry on or not, do you want me too? I instinctively said please just leave her be, my husband told me the paramedic said it was the right call.
And that was that, in a heartbeat my lovely Mum was gone,
I will give you some background if I may, am worried the post will be too long but it is the first time have really expressed all this. I was Mums main carer, I took care of her in every way, she was mobile and relatively healthy but was lonely and housebound so only living two minutes away, myself and my husband spent a lot of time with her and was on the phone about 10 times a day, I have three older siblings who popped in and out shall we say...
Two weeks before she died she was admitted too hospital, her sats were low and she had a urine infection, sadly her care whilst in hospital was very poor, and my sister and I fought to get her home as we could see the deterioration in front of us, so hospital said she was fine to go home, just needed oxygen, which we sorted, and instantly she began to improve, her mind came back, she ate, talked was fine, we got her g p out to see her on the Friday as I thought it would be nice to have someone make an effort... he concluded she was fine. We all continued that is my husband one sister and myself to be with her at all times, and after a happy day with her Monday I told my husband to go home and get a proper sleep,,, mum got sorted for bed, heard her in the bathroom being little sick but she said she was okay, she got in bed, said I have few pains in my chest, indigestion I said went to garden to have a cigarette, heard her call my name, went in there and my worst nightmare began....
And now I don't know how to cope, I miss her so much, she was my rock, my backbone, my reason to live, my husband has a lot of health issues both physical and mental and is no support, the other three children weren't so close with her and don't want to talk about, I am alone utterly alone.
No-one wants to hear about it anymore and I understand that, but I seem to be numb getting worse instead of better, when I lost Dad I had Mum to keep going for and now I just want to join them
Am sorry for the long post