I'm not sure where to start with this post....things are very complex....but here we go
I'm 40 years old and my Dad passed away 2 days before Christmas last year (2016) after 3 strokes in 2 years and the onset of dementia. He was 74.
My mum died 21 years ago (1996) when I was 19 of Ovarian cancer after 2 years of illness. She was 53.
I have one remaining relative from my birth family, my only cousin, lives in the US. I won't see him for years at time and only make contact occasionally via FB. All my birth family are dead; grandparents, aunts/ uncles, I have no siblings and now both my parents are gone.
I have been completely overwhelmed with feelings of loneliness these last 9 months, I have been trying to fight against getting lower and lower but it's getting harder. I have a husband and a 10 year old daughter (and in-laws), but it's just not the same. I can't shake this feeling of isolation and loss of my life pre-40, the past is gone. I feel resentful of my husband, both his parents are in their mid-60s; heathy, happy, active.....actually I feel resentful of everybody who still have parents with them, grandparents to their children - and just seeing older couples out on the street, enjoying life, makes me so sad and also so angry.
My relationship with my parents and indeed their relationship will each other was complicated. My mum was a serial adulterer. She had affairs before I was born and affairs right until the end. She left my Dad and I in debt, much of which didn't surface until after her death. She wasn't the person I thought she was and I was angry for many many years - I didn't visit her grave for almost 10 years and only managed to have a picture of her in the house about a year ago, when Dad was very ill. Despite my Mum's deceit for all those years, he always loved her, my Dad was left broken after my Mum's death, he cried at her bedside - I comforted him and put my grief aside. At 19 I grew up (my friends always joked that I was 19 going on 39!), but I had to keep Dad going. He and I looked out for each other for the next 20 years, we rarely spoke about Mum and didn't have any support at the time. He was my only parent for more than half my life and I grew to love him very much.
I say 'grew' to love him as my Dad was very difficult to grow up with. He had an obsessive hobby (model aerobatic aeroplanes), he was good and well respected at what he did, but my entire childhood was spent in pursuit of his obsession. Every weekend, all year, every year across the country at a different aerodrome or airfield. I didn't see him most weekends or evenings. My mum (for some time) was involved too, so my childhood consisted of mostly being alone. Making my own entertainment and being my own company. My Dad also had very high often unrealistic expectations and demanded perfection. So many rows, feelings of guilt and being a disappointment; and I've only just realised recently (after a handful of counselling sessions) I've had very little control of what happens in my life, I was very dictated to by my Dad. What he said went, I wouldn't go against him - even things that I thought were my choice or idea ultimately weren't.
My Dad re-married about 15 years ago. My relationship with my step-mum has always been ok, she seemed kind and decent. My dad loved her very much and I acknowledge that she made his life happy after many years of unhappiness with my Mum. My step-mum was my Dad's 24/7 carer at the end of his life. In his muddled stroke/ dementia mind, he became obsessed with her - his angel, his only love, 'I'd be dead if it wasn't for her', it became pretty galling on visits with the repetition of his obsession with her. My step-mums family - who seemed to have come into some money - started buying expensive items, new lightweight wheelchair, laptop, exercise bike - none of which I could afford. I could only be there, and I felt so inadequate and insufficient. I was very badly treated and sideline immediately after my Dad's death. I had barely any involvement in any arrangements or sorting out of his affairs. My step-mum and her daughter took over everything my step-mum was so consumed by grief she would not involve me, despite my asking over and over I was told there was nothing I could do.
I found out on the day of my Dad's death that he had changed his will following his 1st stroke and when he had dementia. I thought I knew the terms but I was told by my step-mum that it was different. I can't go into all detail on here obviously, but at this moment in time I have nothing from either of my parents. My step-mum inherited all cash assets and can live in the house as long as she chooses. I will inherit a % of the house should it be sold but that will be dependent on what my step-mum chooses to do. I have wondered these last months whether he had the capacity to be making these changes and I'm not sure I did the right thing letting everything progress through probate.
I'm struggling with everything at the moment, I am overwhelmed by this feeling of 'waiting', loneliness and the need for closure. Most people when both their parents have passed, settle the estate, sell the house (if they choose), claim their inheritance, have their family to support them and grieve for their parents; there is some closure. My family home is being lived in and I have to keep going back, but my Mum and Dad aren't there, it's not my home. It's my inheritance and entitlement, my parents paid for the house, I grew up there, but I can't have it. My husband and daughter support me but it's not the same. I am not being given the opportunity to close one chapter and start another. I can't grieve for both my parents and start to heal, it's so hard.
My mind is so consumed with everything; feeling the need to grieve both my parents (21 years late for Mum) but not knowing how and not being able to do the things I need to be able to grieve, the house and the inheritance, my relationship with my step-mum (which is pretty much non-existent now), the past and the struggles I had with both my parents (so many mixed emotions about them both), resentment and anger - why me, why am I alone and my self esteem; I feel worthless. I am struggling to be a good wife, mum, employee, friend, home-maker - everything. And in amongst all of that I have no clue who I am. And I'm not sure what to do. I am also starting to fear for my own health - with Mum dying at 53 and Dad at 74, I'm scared I don't have very long and I need to live my life to the full.
So sorry, this has turned out to be a mammoth post - I don't know if anyone will read to the end.
But I do hope that at least I might be able to find some company and support here.