I'm feeling very lost recently, it seems grief has caught up with me and I've finally broke down.
I lost my Nan in January 2017 and my Mum in February 2017, we were so close and my Mum was my best friend, we did everything together.
My Nan was unexpected, I feel guilt for her death as I should have been there for her more and unfortunately it was self inflicted as she didn't want to watch her daughter die. My Nan didn't have a funeral (Uncle's choice) which disgusts and angers me as she never had anyone there when she was cremated and she was so loved that it hurts that this happened.
My Mum was diagnosed with lung cancer last June and put up the most amazing fight, she was so positive and was kicking cancers butt, after Nan died she lost hope and I remember her saying "my Mum left me" and the look on her face was one of disbelief and pure fear. There was no time to grieve for my Nan as my Mum was then in a hospice a week after Nan died.
Everything happened so quickly and before I knew it I was stroking my Mum's hand as we said goodbye.
After Mum died I just got on with life, I shut off my feelings and thoughts, now I realise how bad that was cause of how I am now. I didn't realise how much I was struggling with everything, my memory is awful lately and I can't remember the things I've done. My chest hurts from the panic of not having my Mum around, the one person who no matter what will never leave you has left me and I am struggling with dealing with this. I keep thinking if Mum left me then everyone else can too.
How do you go on when everything seems so dark and lonely.