I a twin, I have a wonderful sister and a wonderful husband, fantastic kids and a inspirational Mum. I am surrounded by lovely people in my village, I teach swimming, train lifeguards, and I am a Cub leader, all these things that I do I did love beyond words.
When my dad died on the 30th of January this year, my whole world just froze.
Every thing stopped, and I took control...I went through the motions and held everything back, so my family and my mum did not have to worry about me. I helped to organise the funeral, Dad had put a lot of it place and I organised the order of service. My twin sisters Father in law died the day before my own Dad died, we held David's funeral the day before my Dad's and we were all surrounded in grief. We are a united family....yet I feel alone.
I feel like I am looking in on my own life, I find it hard to enjoy a moment, laugh out loud, love freely, yet I wear my heart on my sleeve. I am angry in a moment, cry at an emotion, feel sorrowful in within a day.
I am struggling at work, I have been in my job 13 yrs and I have loved it, now I hate it. I want to be elsewhere but there. The people that I work with I get on with, but when Dad died and I returned to work no one spoke about my Dad dying, no card was given, no cup of tea was offered. I even had to ask how much time I was allowed to have off. I ended up going off sick. It was like they did not want to know. I have been offered another job, but should I take it or am I just taking flight because I feel so blue.
I miss my Dad so much, we spoke about everything, I cared for him for many years with my mum and my sister and his loss I feel every day.
I'm lonely yet I am surrounded by people. When will I laugh freely...and enjoy life again.