Thanks for the replies.
It's six weeks now since Helen passed. I feel worse now than I did during the first couple of weeks. There was so much to do back then, but I got through it all in a kind of daze. Everyone was very kind and sympathetic, saying how well I seemed to be coping etc. Now life has gone back to normal for everyone else, quite naturally, they won't be grieving in the same way that I am. But the feeling that it's somehow become "yesterday's news" is really painful to me.
Part of me just can't accept that Helen's gone forever. I still expect to see her every morning when I wake up. If I make a cup of tea, I get out two cups. I'm always getting caught out like that. I get a claustrophobic, anxious feeling, almost like panic, when the reality hits me yet again.
I've been drinking a lot ever since Helen's last illness when I was drinking vodka just to keep going. I became her full-time carer, and it got very intense towards the end. Now at least I'm not drinking in the day, but get through a bottle or two of wine and a couple of brandies every night. I know this isn't good. Evenings are just horrible though, being so alone in the flat and imagining all the conversations we would be having.
Last week, I went to a CRUSE bereavement group. There's a waiting list for one-to-one counsellors, but you can go to group meetings while you wait. I don't know if it's for me. I couldn't say much because I get choked up so easily. I don't even know if one-to-one will help. Anyway, I'll go to the group again this week and will give the counselling a go when it comes up.