It's amazing how so many emotions can run through ones mind in one day. I'm trying to keep myself busy, get out and push myself to get better, so today I went to the library, did some reading and even more of day dreaming gazing through the window, watching the boats passing by. Afterwards I went to a film museum and watched some cool little films shot by Bela Tarr - he is a master of the magnificent long take, a master of wonderfully shot, melancholic films that express the human condition. There was one short film I watched three times, as it somehow helped me see immortality, eternity around me even though I am not a religious person. If you search "Werckmeister Harmonies (Opening Scene - GR-EN sub)" in youtube, you will find it. It made me giggle watching those drunken regulars trying to personify the universe and its mysteries.
So I started my day determined to be strong, then got bored in the library, afterwards I cried in the museum watching this film about the total eclipse, afterwards I walked home, cooked a vegetable stew for myself, had a few glasses of wine in the process and started dancing to some really bad cheesy songs all by myself. Tears followed me throughout the day and even though I know it's a process, and I have to go through it all.. I feel exhausted. I don't want to need to get better, I don't want to not have my love with me right now :(
I've been pretending i'm dancing with him. I might need to have my head checked