I've been lurking here for a while, after losing my beloved wife Ann to breast cancer last June, at the age of 52. We'd had 30 wonderful years together; she was everything to me; and she died in the nearby hospice just 18 months after her original diagnosis. It's been predictably awful but I've been trying my best to put my life back together, with the support of family and friends. I haven't really felt the need to post here myself before, until something that happened at the weekend which I wanted to share and hopefully get a bit of insight.
Background: quite shortly after Ann died, I made a conscious decision to rekindle a major interest of my youth, and I bought myself a large motorcycle. Those of you who don't 'get' bikes will probably find this hard to understand, but it's been a complete lifesaver as far as I'm concerned. It's not about latent suicidal tendencies, being stupidly reckless with my life etc (I do have adult children, who are my whole world now); riding is just such wonderful fun and I find its the one time when I find myself able to stop thinking about Ann and just concentrate on what I'm doing (and you really have to do that!) and enjoying myself.
So. I decided at the weekend to give off-road motorcycling a go for the first time. I went to a training centre for a day-long course, where I rode a hired dirt bike and had a great time throwing it around the forest and mud tracks etc. I really enjoyed the day despite falling off an awful lot, and by the end of the day I was utterly exhausted and quite sore. It was while riding back from the training centre that things got a bit weird. Out of the blue, and for no apparent reason (I really wasn't that sore!) I suddenly erupted into floods of tears. I just wept buckets, and howled and howled solidly for about 10 minutes.
I realise it had to be related to losing Ann; but it's not as if I've been particularly bottling up my grief. I think of her continually, and I often find myself in tears when alone in bed at night, which is one of my worst times - but nothing like what I experienced on the bike. I really couldn't make sense of it at all, and would love to hear people's thoughts.