Such a familiar feeling, twenties girl, sometimes it does feel like the whole world is against me, that everything just tries to hurt me more.. Like this stupid tlc show about wedding dresses. Is it trying to rub it in my face that I lost someone I wanted to spend the rest of my life with? I'm trying to laugh at myself when I have thoughts like that, but I do catch myself seeing hurt in so many things... Seeing couples holding hands, travelling together etc.
On the other hand, I think it's ok to feel completely miserable, lose all control, cry at work, surrender yourself to whatever you think is making your day, week, year bad. Let all that sadness and madness get the better of you, stop fighting for a while and then you will notice that you can still survive it and pick yourself up.
When I lost my love, I knew I would have to face a difficult conversation with his ex, and I was worried about work situation, as we were colleagues and nobody knew about our love story. I acted tough and thought I will be fine during the first few weeks since his death, I thought I will deal with it in silence.
Around two weeks ago I completely broke down at work, I cried so much, I couldn't say a word. At that point I told my two close colleagues that are in senior leadership positions about my relationship with my man. That's it, I thought to myself, now I'll lose their respect, I have to look for a new job, I felt like I drank a bottle of whiskey, and everything was a complete black out....
The response I got from my colleagues and even his ex overwhelmed me. They all supported me and are still here to support me, which is far away from what my worst anxiety attacks tried to tell me. The world isn't against us, even though sometimes it helps us think way, it helps us let out our frustration on things like a leaking pipe.
It's still all surreal and I get those blackout moments, but what I've already learnt is that even the worst things you fear of won't kill you, in fact they can turn out to be positive. You will pick yourself up, fix that leaking pipe, rebuild your confidence at work, find different ways to start feeling better.
And in the meantime it's absolutely fine that things are going horribly wrong