Oh Badger, I'm so sorry for your loss! My partner died unexpectedly in the end of Feb, I have also opened up only to a few closest friends as our relationship was secret. We've started having feelings for each other 1,5 years ago, he had been in a troubled relationship for 7 years and finally started making plans to move out when we fell in love with each other.
We built dreams, hopes, viewed apartments together, and then he died so unexpectedly :(
Weekends and evenings are nightmare for me too, I feel so lonely, and work is also very difficult, because we used to work together, so I currently don't have a place where I feel comfortable..
I really hope you will soon start finding little crumbs of joy in your daily life