Hi Angela,
When you said that sometimes you feel that dying and stepping out of this sadness would not be too bad, I can totally understand it.
I lost my partner of 34 years, George, 16 months ago. This sadness, this grief, though not as raw as it was, can still seem relentless at times. When it's got bad and I thought beyond just stepping out, to escape this relentlessness, George's voice has been there and is there to gently persuade me otherwise.
I've only ever used natural anti depressants for two short periods of time, the first time they helped,the second it didn't seem to make much difference.(though maybe it would have been worse without them)
My brother in Australia was on anti depressants for a long time following the death of our mum15 years ago. The doses prescribed gradually got stronger and he had a bad time weaning himself off them.
I have no other family or close friends and I'm retired and so no work. I do different things, they act as distractions, which help.
I think a point Norma made to me a few weeks ago, when I posted here on how I'm finding this second year harder in some ways, has helped me a lot. The fact that it's a slow realisation that this is my life now.
I still cry every day. Sometimes a little, sometimes a lot. I'm learning to cope and accept this new, albeit, unwanted life. The loneliness and despair you describe are all part of this awful grief.
Wishing you strength