hi

[steveo64]

Hi, I'm Steve, my partner of 40 years has recently passed away at the age of 61, I don't know if I'm doing the right things, I don't go out much, but I don't want to at the moment, my daughter is trying to push me to go out with friends.

I spend most my time at home, sometimes I wake up and just sit on the bed thinking about her and crying, sometimes it just happens, something triggers it, I'll even sit down and play a track because I know its going to make me cry because I want to cry, I hope to cry less, but, I don’t know If I’ll ever stop totally.

I tried not to hold back from crying, hoping that it would make me feel better eventually, it's only a month on so I'm not expecting much, but, the feeling of loss seems to have got worse, I've had more time to think about what I've lost.

I don't think I'm depressed, I've spent a lot of time thinking, I'm ok apart from crying, but, I wonder if I'm suffering from guilt, I look back at our lives together and feel lots of things I could had done things differently and her life would have been better, maybe still alive. She was beautiful and I blew it, that’s how I feel now.

[Emz2014]

Sending a welcome hug 

Bereavement can appear similar to depression,  grief is a journey of many emotions and it's a tough rollercoaster journey.  Some grief turns into depression, some doesn't. It's important to be gentle with yourself during the journey, it's OK to feel sad, down, distraught,  *add whatever emotion you may be feeling* and the emotions will vary to the extreme too

It's not a quick journey, but you will gradually find the easier days start to grow between the bad.  You'll take your journey at the right pace for you, just concentrate on little baby steps forward

Xx

[pennyking]

Hi Steve and Welcome.  So very sorry for your loss. 
Grief is certainly a long journey Steve.  Not wanting to go out anywhere is normal, guilt is normal as well.  We all go through the what if's, could I of done things differently.   Your not alone in how your feeling.  We are here to listen and help/support you the best we can.  It is over 6 years since I lost my hubby he was 44.  It does get easier to cope with, the missing never goes away and you do remember the happier times.  Sending massive hugs.  Take it easy, Penny x

[Karena]

It is very early days,and grief isn't something you can just rush along then go back to normal life.You will know when you feel more up to going out with friends but for now your reaction to not want too is natural,dealing with your own emotions taking small steps and just getting through the day is in itself exhausting.people do act differently crying or not crying is dependant on your individual responses,I do recognise playing tracks which you know will make you cry from a past bereavement but this time I couldn't bear to play them,so reactions are different not only between different people but on different occasions.
I think guilt is something all of us here will recognise,there is always the what if I did something or said something different sometimes if you turn it on its head you will find the something different may also have lead to questioning your guilt.I felt guilty calling an ambulance against my husbands wishes,resulting in him never seeing our home or his dog again,but after a while I recognised if I hadn't done that I would always question whether he could have been saved.There is no right or wrong,we simply act in the way that feels right at the time,we cannot see the future.
Finding this site helped me get through some dreadful times, I hope that you will also find being here helps.

[steveo64]

Thanks for the replies, it has made me feel less alone to know someone understands how I feel, I felt a lot better just writing down my feelings in the forum. Her last few days in hospital haunt me.

[Norma]

Sending  you a welcome hug Steve, there is nothing i can add to what the others have said, they have said it all, just remember  to look after you, and keep writing down your feelibgs, it does help. X

 

[Hubby]

Hi Steve. Welcome to the forum. I am so sorry to hear of your loss.

Everything you describe sounds like perfectly normal grieving. The crying, the guilty feelings, finding it hard to go out. It's a long process and you are in the early stages. It does get easier to cope but be prepared for setbacks along the journey.

Wishing you strength.