Hello, new to forum, Mum passed away last year.

[pauliewalnuts]

Hi

First time poster, my Mum died suddenly, but not unexpectedly, at the end of last April and with all the hubris and organising to do at the time I seemed to cope fairly well with things.

There has been fairly awful family fall-outs since, my Sister chose not to attend the funeral and phoned round a lot of my Mums friends causing bother, assaulting my Dad  requiring police involvment, so there has been other distractions along the way.

Recently I've been increasingly affected by dreams about my Mum, to the point now where it's every time I sleep.  The dreams are generally positive or benign, happier times, my childhood home, my Mum in good health etc, but occassionally they have been sinister or darker.

I went through a period of depression about 2 months after my Mum's passing, couldn't get out of bed etc, but that passed, I think about my Mum a lot, and kept Christmas and my 40th all low key, I try to remain ostensibly chipper to gee my Dad up and to try and keep him positive and engaged.

I've been honest with my wife and explained my feelings, but she was close to my Mum, and has her own grief to deal with.

I know counselling is hard to come by unless you are prepared to pay a fair amount of money, I have flirted with going to see a psychic (although a more rational detached me is very suspicious of them) but I feel I'm just at a dead end.   I'm guessing that this is something I'm going to have to work through, and just an inevitable part of the journey, it's just that sometimes it feels like things are getting harder rather than easier.

Maybe with all the conflict I've delayed the grieving?

Paul

[Emz2014]

Sending a welcome hug 

The journey does take time, and it can help us to be able to talk about it.  Maybe talking with us here will help you, as it will give you a chance to write down and share your thoughts.  xx

[Karena]

Conflict is an all too common thing when we lose someone, sadly ,but probably hasn't helped the situation.It doesn't have to cost a fortune for counselling You can get it through a lot of GP,s or cruise but you may have to wait a while.

The logical explanation for dreams .is that dreams are the brains way of sorting information and often the ones we see as maybe sinister don't mean what we imagine.I once dreamed I left deceased husband in the cellar and went out to party. The dream really frightened me .Had I neglected him in some way was I such an awful person I would do that even in my mind.But with hindsight I realize that all of us feel guilt of some kind after losing a loved one,we even look for reasons we might be guilty what if we said or did something differently so the dream was probably my brain trying to make order of that.

Or at a less logical practical level if a dream is a message of some kind perhaps the message was I should start trying to live my life again because staying in the dark place I was in, represented by cellar , would not change anything.

A genuine medium would probably tell yo that it is difficult to contact someone who has recently departed so I think finding one is something you can delay and give thought too later if you still want too.

I understand that you want to stay strong for your dad and your wife,I think we all need some space to grieve,but also being too strong and not expressing your grief at all might appear that you don't feel it and cause more upset.Perhaps a positive action to take might be to suggest the three of you put a memory box together which in doing allows you to share good memory's but also express how you miss her and what you miss about her.Or even setting up some kind of memorial,maybe if your dad has a garden creating a memorial corner or even a planter or window box with her favourite plants if he doesn't.Just anything you can think of to allow the three of you to share some of the grief but also start collecting those good memory's for when things feel bleak.

Meanwhile you have found a safe space here and for as long as you need,I found it to be a real help just to know that.

[Hubby]

Hi Paul. Welcome to the forum. Sorry to hear if your loss.

I think bereavement does lead to fall outs as heightened emotions can escalate previous tensions and rifts. It is certainly often mentioned that you get to know who your real friends are following a loss.

There is quite a wait for counselling, particularly in the NHS, but have a word with your GP. They may know of a local charity that can help.

Stay strong