Introducing myself

[CC]

Hi All,

really needing to find some way of dealing with the past few years to be honest. Firstly at 42 years old my Mum died of Leukaemia in 2013 and then in January 2014 my Dad was killed in a car crash and the April 2014 my lovely Mother-in-Law died of cancer.
we then has to deal with the court case with regards to the man who killed my Dad, what my brother and I were going to do with the house.

I'm finding it hard to say how I feel to be honest. My husband and I sold our flat in London, left our jobs and moved into my family home in the Midlands. It is lovely being home, but I really am finding it hard to deal with being an orphan, I just want to understand why these 3 amazing people were taken away from me within 10 months of each other. I also need to try to find a way to deal with the horrific manner in which my Dad died and I just cant. I'm still very angry, very tearful, very reactive to situations and find it hard to cope with small issues.
I learnt to drive while I've been up here (which I am very proud of, considering what happened to my Dad, although he was a motoring journalist so I did need to learn :) )

I took 7 months off when we moved up here, I am now working and I like my job a lot and the people I work with, its my personal life that I feel I have no real control over and I am waiting for the next big drama to happen. I miss chatting with my Mum and Dad and I feel so angry they are both gone.

Thanks for taking the time to read Clair

[Emz2014]

Sending a big welcome hug  bereavement is so hard and multiple losses.

I hope talking with us here helps xx

[hb1105]

So sorry for all that you have been through. I have just joined this board today myself so wanted to say hi to a fellow newbie :)

I hope you find all the support you need and more on here. X

[Hubby]

Hi Clair. Welcome to the forum.

I'm sorry to hear of you losing so many close people in such a short time. You have not had time to come to terms with one loss let alone three. Each new bereavement must have magnified your grief. Have you tried bereavement counselling? If not it may be something to consider.

Wishing you strength

 

[CC]

Thanks all,
Yes it's tough and I think it has turned me into a very angry person. I have thought about counselling but to be honest it scares me being almost feels like being stripped bare, does that make sense? I wouldn't have anything to hide behind. Another thing, will they think I'm overreacting or a fraud?  People think Why am I still upset about it, that after time people don't expect you to keep on talking about it.
I do feel that especially with my Dad I'm finding it hard as he was taken due to another's stupidity- that does make me very sad.
Thanks for listening, Clair

[Emz2014]

If you did decide to try therapy I don't think they would feel you are overreacting or a fraud. It can be a scary thing to consider, especially when you have found ways to cope/be strong and carry on. Can feel vulnerable even considering the possibility of letting go of that life raft that's kept you afloat.  A good therapist would not want you to do that and should work with you at your own pace.  It's important to find someone you feel comfortable with, if you decide to try and decide you don't feel comfortable with that person it could be that trying a different person may be better

You may find talking here will help. With bereavement it is totally normal to need to talk through things, it's a way of our minds processing everything that's happened. Talking with others who understand the experience can help, it certainly helped me. Unfortunately it's often the case that people who have not experienced loss just can't quite understand, or sometimes people believe that grieving is over and done with after the funeral. Only those who have lost loved ones know that it does last for years (gradually gaining ability to cope) and in many ways it changes who we are. We still carry the grief with us but our life adapts to cope and helps make it less painful.  It's a slow gentle process. I was struggling when I joined and being able to talk with others who understood and didn't judge helped so much.   I lost my dad suddenly in 2013, just after his 59th birthday and I still talk about him and I still get times I struggle.  Xx

[Karena]

  welcome to the forum.Rest assured no one here would think you should have "moved on" from so much loss.I am also an orphan and I was 40 but I can tell you no matter what age you are it is a frightening feeling,because no matter what you did,where you went ,and what happened parental love and support was always unconditional.I felt at 40 I was too young to be the oldest family member.When I lost my husband and my mum wasn't there that grief and fear was triggered over again.And yes the fear and anxiety around other people you are close too also becomes magnified.If there is a positive side of that it is that as well as being anxious for them you also appreciate time spent with them more.
I also felt bereavement counselling was going to be too intrusive and stir things up.Its important to know there is a difference between that and psychotherapy.A good bereavement counsellor will not just listen but also suggest coping strategy's that may help.My first two sessions were very difficult and I almost threw in the towel with it but I was glad in the end that I didn't.I also found just coming here,helped a lot.Knowing you're not alone,that others do understand and getting support but also just putting what you actually feel in writing can help to clarify and sort things in your own mind.

[Hubby]

Don't  be scared of counselling.

I found the thought of it quite ridiculous. I actually signed up for a night school course in counselling once and gave up after three weeks classing it as 'hippy nonsense'. However I did know I had to do something as I was not able to function.

The first session I felt a bit ridiculous and didn't really talk about the things that were concerning me. I was terrified of breaking down in front of a stranger. I stuck with it and gradually things came out, even things I wasn't conscious of. My counsellor keeps giving me advice on different ways of coping, some seem so ridiculous I don't even try them (yoga?) but some do help.

What I do find helpful is just voicing my thoughts. Sometimes it's hard, sometimes I cry my eyes out, but I always leave feeling a little clearer in my thoughts.

[CC]

Hi,

Thanks it feels great to know so many of you felt the same about counselling. I will give it a go as it isn't just the loss it has brought other issues to the surface and it has altered me as a person. I did feel strong but over time this feeling has faltered and I now have other things rearing their ugly head. Angry and lack of control. Would you advise trying to find my own or through my GP?
You are such a great group of people and I'm so very glad have found you all. I can safely say now I am not going mad, and try to stop beating myself up.

[Norma]

Hi CC, i accessed my counselling through my GP, know theres a long wait if you can get it though cruse, it did help me deal with my anger and guilt put it all into perspective. Good luck hun xx