Struggling

[Meyve]

Hello! I came across this website a short while ago when searching on google.

I have read a couple of threads but thought that i should introduce myself before looking further.

My husband Paul died 14 months ago and I am afraid that I am still desperately struggling with my "new normality". I am still on strong anti depression - anxiety medication as well as sleeping tablets and I am due to start bereavement counselling on Tuesday.

Paul and I were together for 30 years and his death was not expected, in fact he had surgery for a benign cyst in the third ventricle of his brain and was expected to get well after the operation. Unfortunately the surgery went wrong and his organs started to shut down and the support machines were turned off after 3 days, so it was considered a sudden death that required an inquest.

I still struggle to cope and am constantly making poor descisions and my life has changed completely, I am so lonely without him.

Hopefully I will find more positive things to write at a later time.

Best wishes to you all, Yvonne

[Emz2014]

Sending a welcome hug  xx

[Hubby]

Welcome to the forum Yvonne. So sorry to hear of your loss.

It must be so hard for you. Unexpected deaths leave so many unanswered questions that play havoc with our thoughts and emotions. Hopefully counselling will enable you to address  these questions and lessen their effect but it is a long process. I have been going through counselling for a few months and sometimes it can be a bit distressing but I find I have managed to put some thoughts to bed so to speak. I'm not out of he woods yet by any stretch of the imagination but hopefully I'm getting there and I wish the same for you.

 

[Meyve]

Thank you so much Emz2014 for the hug, it is appreciated so much.

[Meyve]

Thaank you Hubby for your response and very kind words.

I spent quite a while last night looking through the messages and it was indeed so helpful. I do not know anyone personally who has lost a husband, wife or partner and thought that I was strange in some way that the pain and disbelief was going on so long. I now see very clearly that I am not unusual and in fact what I am feeling is very "normal"

I have read many books on grief and had expected that the pain would ease with time but even after 14 months it is still as strong as at the beginning.

Having put off counselling for a long time (I still can't bear talking about Paul!) I realise that I need help as I am sinking deeper and avoiding people as well as family.

Once again thank you, I will be back to read and let my feeling out.

Best wishes, Yvonne

[Emz2014]

I personally think the 2nd year brings it's own challenges, it certainly did for me.  I think as long as we are making small baby steps forward, we're doing fine.  It's such a lovely friendly bunch here, and so reassuring to know we're not alone - I felt I was going crazy at one point and it really helped being here

Hope the counselling goes well.  I dont believe in the theory of 'you have to feel worse before you feel better' (which some therapists may want you to believe) so if you find counselling makes you feel worse after a few sessions consider trying a different therapist or different type of therapy. We are all individual and it's important to find what suits you.  (I tried a therapist many years ago when I was distressed and that type at the time did not help me)

Xx

[Karena]

  sending you a warm welcome.I also found the second year very difficult.I think its because of some Victorian illusion of the year of mourning that is still so ingrained in society others expec a recoveryt  of us and so we expect it of ourselves.It makes no sense,grief doesn't have a sell by date then go off.If you have been looking at grief theory have a look at one called continuing bonds.Unlike many it doesn't seek to affect a "cure" or break the bonds with our loved ones,but to find ways to accept the changes death creates too the bonds and find ways to live with those changes.When I found it,it was like big weight being lifted,giving me permission to be me and accept the emotions and the things we think are madness are not.

[Hubby]

Good luck with the counselling tomorrow Yvonne. It will probably feel a bit strange at first trying to relay your feelings to a stranger but it should help you to get them out in the open.

 

[Rosaleen]

Im just starting into my second year and yes it's very very strange,  still strong feeling of grief, which part of me doesn't mind in the least, just wasn't expecting it. It must be like you say Karena.  I'd also really back up what K says about continuing bonds. It was recommended to me me when I first came  on this site12  Months ago. It was. and is,  something I hold on to. It helps to keep me going.