So lonely & low

[Spaicer]

My husband died in January, we were together for 30 years, at first I coped ok, I have 3 grown up children at home, one is autistic and another has milder learning difficulties. I live hundreds of miles from any family & have no friends here (only work colleagues) we have lived here 5 years. I can't go out and make any new friends as I work full time and when I'm not working I'm my sons carer.
Recently I find my grief over whelming me, I miss Terry so much, I've been through his birthday & our anniversary but it was my birthday last week & it just finished me, it's not because he would have spoilt me I would've been lucky to get a present! But he loved me & knew me inside out, I miss sharing everything with him.
In this last year I've moved house twice, lost my husband and started a new job. I think it's the last house move 2 weeks ago that's set all this off, it was the first move without him since I was 21, packing everything up was so hard, I've just crumbled, I can't show my emotions at home as my autistic son gets scared if I'm upset, everything is just so hard I don't know how I'm going to get through it 

[Brian71]

I'm sorry to hear of the loss of your husband,  the grief that follows can sometimes be very difficult to cope with indeed, all of us on here have gone through similar emotional periods and indeed many of us still are.
Hopefully talking about it on here will help you.
Wishing you strength...

[Emz2014]

Sending a hug 
Are you able to get any help with the boys?  Even an hour which you can spend on you?
Xx

[Julie Magson]

Hello- sending you a hug from Yorkshire. I lost my hubby in May - just writing things down on here has helped so much. You've had a lot to handle in your grief. Yes, I found my birthday one of the hardest too as Alan used to really spoil me and delighted in doing it! 

[dizzylizzy]

Lots of love. It certainly sounds one you have more than your fair share of things to be coping with at once. I'm glad you've found the boards to be able to share your feelings and release some of the grief and and stress you must be going through xxx

[Spaicer]

Thanks for the replies, feeling very weepy, anything starts me off which is not like me, before Terry died I can't remember the last time I cried. It's been 10 months now & it's so much worse the last couple of months than the early days. I have to say when I do get so upset I feel a shudder (like the saying someone's walking over my grave) and it gives me comfort to think Terry can see how sad I am & is with me somehow. Goes against everything both him & I believed as we both thought the end was just that, but still I feel him near, whatever the explanation of it, I suppose it's just the memory of how he would have reacted.
There's seems to be no light at the end of this tunnel, I'm sure you all have those moments, I keep going as I have to, the house still runs as it always has & Christmas will be just the same as I'm sure we're no different to most families where "mum" organises most things but there's such a gapping hole left in our family. My kids are 21,23 & 25 I don't want them to have a sad, broken-hearted mum, they've lost their dad & I want them to have a happy normal home life but it's such a sad place at the moment.  Up until about 8 months in I could laugh & smile at his memory, just thinking about him and some of the things he would say would bring a smile. I'm not angry about his death, he died at home with me holding his hand, he was at peace, no suffering, his body just couldn't go on any longer, I hope when my time comes I'm surrounded by as much love as he was.
I hope this darkness lifts a bit soon, it's exhausting. Thanks for listening

[Karena]

Hi spaicer.
I,m sorry things are so hard right now.I also had to move after losing my husband and it was very difficult.Especially when so many memory's are tied up in a house.Of course in a logical world it makes no sense that we feel them around us but the world isn't always logical .Even mscience is constantly challenged ,by quantum mechanics for example. I firmly believe they are around us in some form.

[Hubby]

Hi Spaicer. I'm so sorry to hear that you are going through a bad patch. I have also found that I have moments where the sense of loss seems greater than ever and the loneliness is all consuming. I can certainly see how your birthday would act as a trigger. These are the days we would enjoy with our loved ones and create find memories of.

I hope the darkness lifts for you.