One year

[Rosaleen]

      

For my lovely George

[mike59]

sorry for your Loss Rosaleen Thinking of you.xx

[Rosaleen]

Thank you

[Emz2014]

Sending a hug  xx

[Julie Magson]

Bless you Rosaleen X 

[Hubby]

One year, it is strange that in one way it's such a long time yet in another no time at all.

Hoping your day had many fond memories

 

[longedge]

My first anniversary 'alone' has just come and gone. Now it's over, for me the thought of it approaching was far worse than the day itself which was just another 24 hours. It's been a time for reflection for me and accepting that I have changed. I'll never be the same person again and I sometimes struggle to accept the person I've become. 25 years ago I would have torn me a strip off 

[Rosaleen]

It's just over a week since the anniversary. I just wanted to be on my own, with George and our memories.
People talk about 'being over'  the first anniversary. But now, I m finding it's not over, I know the cold dark nights don't help but I feel  the shape of the grief is changing, I'd been told it would, its with me in a very different way. I've started taking natural anti depressants again  which help. I'd read the second year can be challenging in a new way. So it would seem.....
I keep busy to distract myself, a variety of things, taken up family history which IS engaging, which I'm very thankful for, but the others are just that, mere distractions.
Thanks for listening

[Emz2014]

Hi Rosaleen
I was surprised myself when I found the 2nd year brought its own challenges.  I guess in a way society doesnt talk about death so before losing someone we seemed to be lulled into the belief that things get better after the funeral, or the first year is somehow a 'magical' turning point where everything is ok again after all the 'firsts'.  But we find in reality thats quite different, and i guess it shocks us too when we learn the truth but also have to reconcile it with society's belief on how we should be.  Having this forum is wonderful as we dont have to pretend or conform

I think in reality it is more of a gradual journey, time gently helps us cope a little bit better as we go, slowly taking steps forward on the path.  I saw a really good description of how bereavement feels the other day.  I'll see if i can add the diagram.  We are 'sold' the idea that our grief will shrink over time, but in time we find that in reality it is our life that expands which enables us to cope with the grief.  Made alot of sense to me.  I think this forum helps towards that expansion, we can get to know others and I've made good friends following the meets - it doesnt replace the loved one but are the things that help us cope with that emptiness/missing/longing we also carry

Ive found after multiple losses over the years, we still remember the loved ones, will still have fond or sad memories as time goes on.  In a way we help them to live on by keeping them in our memories, talking about the times and things that happened

  xx

[Hubby]

I used to be the one who thought the funeral was 'closure' but at nearly eight months in I am already resigned to the fact that this grief, while it may change or become easier to cope with, is probably lifelong.

[longedge]

Exactly so Hubby, the illustration that Emz2014 referred to was one used in the support group that I went to. A circle in a circle and at the start the black circle in the middle (grief) is almost as big as the outer one (you). As time goes by the black circle never gets any smaller, it's always there. But, the outer circle gets bigger as you change and eventually the white space inside you gets to be bigger than the black.

I can't imagine that I'll ever get to a point when there won't be moments that the blackness engulfs me but they are getting farther apart now and don't linger as they did at first and for months after Chris died.

Even though we all have the same feelings and emotions, there isn't any fixed pattern. It would almost be good don't you think, if some expert could say, "at 3 months you'll feel ...., at 6 months....., at 9 months.... etc etc" at least we would know where we stood instead of being 'ambushed' all the time   

[Brian71]

I suppose I was a little like that Hubby,  I'm sure most people are,  My sons actually said their grieving finished at the funeral.
An interesting reference George with regard to comparison with the circles.

[Karena]

If you break a leg badly there is terrible pain  you wonder if you can survive and then you take a pain killer but you know when the pain killers wear off it will come back.You can't walk and then when you do start to move around a bit you find a crutch but sometimes even then they let you down they break or slip on the floor they make your hands so sore you can't use them for a while You didnt expect that it takes you by suprise so you stop moving until you can manage the crutches again and you try again and this time maybe you take a few more steps.You go for physio and push yourself in other ways you become angry and frusrated because you want to run but you cant even walk and when you do the pain is there constantly nagging away  Eventually the cast comes off the crutches become a stick and you walk a little bit further.One day you may even run but you may have a limp and the pain returns until you have a rest.But you will always remember that leg,maybe it will ache when it rains maybe it will be a bit weaker maybe the limping will damage your back because your picture is out of sync.
The experts don't know how long it will take or how it will affect your life in the future they can only guess because people are all different,I think grief is the same as that brocken leg.But you get less sympathy no one can see it,and you also give yourself less sympathy too.

[Hubby]

It would be great if someone could say you will be over it in X months. We could go to bed with a bucket of antidepressants and hibernate our way through it. It doesn't seem to be like that though. We're going to get the full grief experience and anything we do that puts it out of our mind only delays it. Even if we could hibernate it would be waiting for us when we woke up.

The snakes and ladders and broken leg analogies I can both relate to. Something in me is definitely broken but no matter how much I keep putting it back together it's got a nasty habit of falling apart again.

[Rosaleen]

Thanks for all your replies,especially Emma and Karena.
I know of the grief and outer circle analogy. I first read about it on the oldBUK site, it was called the fried egg theory of grief. I found the name really off putting,so didn't really look into it,  but when it was reiterated during group counselling earlier this year and having delved into it more on the web I realised just how much sense it made, helping to provide  a positive perspective, because the egg yolk doesn't lessen but the egg white does get bigger, taking up more and more space.
 I think because it was and is the anniversary it inevitably threw me back to 'that time'
The time  leading up to the anniversary brought back all the awful memories and conflicting emotions of the worst days before George passed away. After the anniversary date,  all the memories and emotions of his/our last few months came,  and are still crowding in.
In one way  I don't mind. There are times when the more intense the grief is, the closer  I feel I am to George.
I'll keep doing the distractions  and the wait for the memories of all the  happier times to come back and balance things out