Hello

[Littlepink]

Hi there, I lost my dad to cancer of the stomach 2.5 years ago. He had non Hodgkin's lymphoma and was treated with chemo and was in remission for a year until he then got a very aggressive tumour in his stomach and we were told he was terminal and there was nothing they could do. He lasted seven months from diagnosis. They say time heals but I find it gets worse as the more time goes on the longer it is since I saw him and spoke to him last. I've dealt with my grief by keeping it fairly inward, probably because I've got two little ones who keep me very busy but having just had dads birthday for the second time without him since he died and a family holiday without him there, it's all come like a tidal wave again.

I don't feel I can talk to my family much about him. I do bring his name up but always feel like I'm going to upset them when I do. I have friends but no one really understands what's its like as they haven't lost a parent and if I talk about him I feel they clam up and it gets awkward.

I've been feeling really low lately, the kids have been hard work and there's so many things I would tell my dad and can almost hear his voice in my head sometimes. Then other times I panic as I can't remember his voice. I've been tearful and my husband can't understand why it's all come up now and says I should stop feeling sorry for myself (that didn't go down well!) Just because I haven't talked about him much doesn't mean I haven't been thinking of him all this time. I think about him every day and have just grieved in a different way I suppose.

I suppose I just needed to get it all my chest and looked for an outlet and found this site, thanks for reading if you made it this far!

[pennyking]

Hi and welcome.  So sorry for your loss.  Posting on here is a good release, especially if you can't talk to others around you. 
Kids will know that your struggling and will be playing up more than normal.  Others really don't have any idea how difficult it is just to function from one minute to the next.  Holding your grief in isn't good, you have to grieve.  Please keep posting.  Take care, Penny x

[Hubby]

Hi Littlepink. Welcome to the forum.

Grief is a difficult thing for everybody. It's just so personal. Even if two people grieve for the same person they will do it differently.

Because it's personal and not often talked about we tend to hide it, especially from other relatives who are grieving the same person for fear of upsetting them. Then we may confide in a partner or friend who simply doesn't understand and offers a 'pull yourself together' piece of advice like you have had. If only it were that easy.

You have grieved but not fully due to having a family to look after. You have hidden it away but it always comes out in the end. As penny says holding it in isn't good.

I hope writing your thoughts down has made you feel a little better. Perhaps a few counselling sessions where you could express your thoughts face to face with someone and, more importantly, have an hour away from the family to grieve would help. There is s charity called CRUSE that do it. It's not for everyone but it may be something to consider.

I wish you strength.

 

[Emz2014]

Sending a welcome hug. 
 
People who havent lost anyone dont really understand, they often seem to think all is ok after the funeral.  People who have lost loved ones understand the long rollercoaster journey, and understand there will always be moments which will have conflicted emotions, such as birthdays, anniversaries and that random song which catches us. 

Talking through our thoughts helps, I certainly found it helped me being here and hope it can help you too xx

[Littlepink]

Thank you so much for all your replies. It really helped to read them this morning. I think I've been too busy to grieve much. I found out I was pregnant 2 weeks after dad died and it gave the family something to focus on, especially my mum. The new addition was a boy and he is 21 months old now. He's gone full throttle into the terrible twos and is very challenging. It's now I miss my dad more than ever as I know he'd have words of wisdom and advice and would have helped to laugh our way through it. It feels as though I can't laugh my way through it without him. It's just so hard without him around to chat to. He was a very hands on grandad and loved to spend time with his grandchildren. I often see my children playing and can imagine dad down on the floor with them giving them horsey rides and helping them build blocks. It just feels so unfair that he didn't meet our son and won't see the other ones grow up.

Its good to write it down as I find it difficult to say it to people in RL. I feel like I'm burdening them and just being miserable. I feel like I lower the tone with friends and just make them feel bad or scare them that one day they will lose someone close. My husband has asked me to tell him about dad but sometimes when I'm in such a bad patch i just can't articulate what's going on in my head. But when I want to talk about him, it's not a good time for my husband as he's stressed with work so often.

Thank you all again.

[Norma]

Hi hun, the best person to support you through all whats going on in your head is your hubby, he probably feels left out and helpless to support you as you not confiding him,  plan a night when children are in bed, relax together and open your heart to him, a cuddle from him will do you world of good xx

 

[Brian71]

Hi and welcome,  I hope this forum will give you a little comfort.

I agree with Norma,  the best councillor is right by your side,   obviously I don't know your husband,  but talk to him,  you might be pleasantly surprised.  My wife and I had a very close relationship,  I could talk to her about anything and I like to think she could with me too,  I realise of course, that sadly some relationships are not the same.

The loss of my own father had a great affect on me too,  I still miss him today,  losing someone close to us affects people very differently.  Some members of my family seem to be able to shun it off quickly, once the funeral is over,  it's as though that person who's funeral they attended had not even existed,  while some of us, the memories, and love we felt for them stays with us all our lives.
 

[Karena]

I agree with the others but also I think talking about your dad in a positive way would help,just like you did here about him as a grandad,sharing those positive memorys from when you were a kid eventually those will be the memory's that make you smile and perhaps the ones your family can all share without hurt.My three youngest grandchildren were born after their grandad died but they do know him second hand ,from the older ones and photos and because i do talk about him,not the end of his life but the whole of the rest of it.Perhaps you might consider putting a memory book together for your children,again those memory's that make you smile.