Helping my husband

[Helpfulwife]

My husbands brother died earlier this year and he's struggling to deal with it. I have never been bereaved and I struggled to be supportive enough in the beginning. He felt he couldn't come to me and found it easier to talk to other women online.
The talk between him and them got out of hand (overly flirtatious) therefore he deleted them and moved on.

He made friends about 2 months ago with a particular woman, and after a while he shared memories of his brother, her brother was ill and subsequently died so he felt a connection with her. They chatted daily, mostly not about the brother (I checked due to last time). It got to the point where he was spending more time talking to her and removing himself emotionally from me. I was upset he was so into her and that he lied originally to keep her on his Facebook that I told him our marriage was over. He had to stay in the house as we rent and it took 5 days for him to talk to me and open up. He finally cried about his brother with me and I just let him cry it out. The following morning he cried again (never seen him cry in our whole marriage) and I said I didn't know what to say, which he has since thrown back at me.

We're trying to make things work, he's deleted her and we're rebuilding our relationship we've been together 12 years. But after only a few days he's 'missing her' and it's like he's grieving for her and his brother again. I have suggested counselling numerous times, marriage as well as grief but he is adamant he doesn't need it.

I guess what I'm trying to say is how do I fix him/us? He feels guilty that he wasn't there in the end for his brother, it had been 7 years since they last spoke and that was an argument. I just don't know what to do.

If you've got this far thanks 😀

[Norma]

My heart goes out to you hun reading your post, my only advice is to just be there, tell him you dont ubderstand how hes feeling, if you havent lost someone close it is hard to know what to say, but let him know that you are there and want to support him through this difficult time. Xxx

 

[Helpfulwife]

Thank you. Have been looking into relate. I'm considering going by myself if hubby disagrees as need to get my head straight. Feeling so mixed up right now.

[Hubby]

Norma's advice is probably the best you can hope for.

Grief is a really strange process that even the person going through it often doesn't know what they want from one minute to the next. Sometimes we want people with us, sometimes to be alone, sometimes we want to talk, sometimes to reflect in silence. We want support but sometimes find it overwhelming It can also be difficult to open up to those close to us for fear of being seen as weak so most of the turmoil is inside our own heads, unseen by those around us until we find it impossible to contain the emotions any longer.

All you can do is be there when he needs you.

 

[Emz2014]

Losing a loved one can put alot of strain on to a relationship. My partner and I went through a tough patch after I suddenly lost my dad. I felt so so alone as he was also grieving in a way (they had been really close and was kind of his first loss) but he had no experience of understanding my loss.  I also found I became the strong one of the family (a couple of big things (illnesses/difficulties) happened after losing my dad)  it really did test us. Even though he was there for me he couldn't understand what I was going through, sometimes he seemed to forget I was still grieving (now and again saying something innocent like 'whats wrong with you' or 'why are you sad') or at times he was scared by how I felt and couldn't talk to me about it (when I said I felt I didn't want to keep living he couldn't discuss that) or mood would fluctuate (I felt lost and felt I was losing my mind at times) and I found myself talking/opening up much more to an old friend. 

In a way the flirtation could have been an attempt to actually feel something through the numbness and not intended on following it through atall (ie if it is online to actually feel something through the numbness with no actual possibility of it being followed through, as too numb to anyway)

It's hard, when grieving your mind is all over the place and can easily flit between wanting to talk to being completely alone. All I can say from my experience is that after some time I regained my sense of 'me' and we are stronger together than before. 
Being there for him and allowing him to try and make sense of his thoughts, and not challenge when he seems to say he feels one way one day and another way another, giving that space to feel safe will help wonders
If you want to pm me to talk more, I'm here. 
If we can help whilst you support him on this journey we will try. It's good if you have support too, as I'm sure it's not an easy role.  It's hard but I'm sure he loves you very much and you may be unsure due to what's happened but I'm sure you're  likely his anchor at the moment (helping him more than you realise by being there for him)  xx