Hello

[Suey]

Hi, I've come here in the hope that I can feel a little less alone, my precious husband died on 6th October after losing his battle against lung cancer, although we knew his cancer was terminal he died very very suddenly and I feel numb at the moment. People are being incredibly supportive and kind but he was my best friend. Its the mornings that are the hardest at the moment, I wake up and for a split second life is normal, then its like a punch in the stomach as it all floods in. My Mum and Dad died within 9 months of each other 14 years ago so grief is a familiar journey for me, but this feels so very different. Can't believe I am a widow.

[Julie Magson]

Hello Sue - so very new and raw for you. How you describe your feelings are all so familiar. (I lost my hubby Alan in May this year). I do hope we can give some love and support on here 

[Brian71]

Hi Sue,  so very sorry to hear about the loss of your beloved husband,  it seems lung cancer is claiming a lot of our loved ones.   In fact your comments echo my own circumstances a little, as my wife of 49yrs Ann passed away very suddenly from undiagnosed lung cancer in April,  they had been telling us she was 100% clear for previous 2yrs, and they discovered it was terminal literally a couple days before she died.  She attended a cancer follow-up outpatient clinic, where a CT scan revealed the truth on the Friday, she passed away Monday morning.

W know how you are feeling Sue, many of us here have gone through the same thing,  it's been 6mths for me and I still have trouble accepting it.
It's still very raw for you Sue, and I wish there were some words I could write to ease your grief,  if there were I'd likely use them myself.  A frequent expression used on here 'Is To Take It A Day At A Time'   because that's all we can do.  Many of us still cry and grieve for our wife or husband, as time passes it does get easier to cope,  I still have major crying sessions when I get deep in thought,  it's normal, we all get them.

I'm currently trying to socialise a little more, as my wife was my best friend, we did everything together, so yes when they are gone the emptiness left behind is enormous,  indeed, unless it's happened to you, people don't fully  understand the impact it has.  I'm pleased to hear that family and friends are being supportive Sue, unfortunately my 2 sons seem to have disappeared since their Mum died, but my daughter Jo phones every day even though she lives 240miles away in Cornwall.  It appears there may be some truth to the old saying "A Daughters a daughter all your life".  If you have sons Sue, I hope they keep in touch more than mine do...

A big hug from me Sue,   we all need a hug from time to time.
     Best wishes........ Brian

[Hubby]

Hi Suey. Welcome to the forum.

Its such early days for you and your mind has not had time to fully take in what has happened. The death of a partner, even if it is expected, cannot ever be prepared for. There simply aren't words to describe the turmoil and emotions you go through.

Waking feeling normal then realising what has happened is normal. In fact everything you experience is normal even though you may sometimes think you are losing your mind. It does get easier to cope but it's a long process with many twists and turns.

Wishing you strength

 

[Suey]

Thank you for your support and comments, raw is the only word I have really, Mick and I were married for fourteen years, together for 16, we have no children, so the house is very empty now, just me and a very elderly cat. I went back to work today, it was really hard and coming home to an empty house was really hard. I am 42 and live in a rented house so its important that I get back to work as soon as possible because now its just me. People are being so very supportive but much as they try and understand and empathise at the end of the day, when that door shuts and he's not here its hard. I'm writing in a diary at the moment, writing everything that I would say to hum, because it hurts too much to think that I won't see him again.

[Hubby]

I think it's s good thing you have managed to go back to work. I took months off after losing my wife and I was dreading it but looking back I was off far too long and should have gone back to get a bit of normality back in my life.

People try to help and be supportive to us but it's awkward for us and them and, at the end of the day, it's only ourselves that understand what we are really going through. Once that door closes we can take off the mask and get on with the side of grief nobody sees.

Take care.

[Brian71]

People try to help and be supportive to us but it's awkward for us and them and, at the end of the day, it's only ourselves that understand what we are really going through. Once that door closes we can take off the mask and get on with the side of grief nobody sees.

Take care.

So very true and just about sums it up I think Hubby.   AIS before, if it were not for my daughter who BTW is the poorest by far out of my 3 children and lives farthest away from me,  I wouldn't be here now.  However when it comes to 'compassion, thoughtfulness, and humility'  she is the richest by a massive margin....Her Mum would have been so proud of her, as I am...  Thank you Jo.

Here's a Hug to you ALL....

[Emz2014]

Sending a welcome hug Suey  you'll find a supportive bunch here xx

[Suey]

Well I've managed my first week back at work, but the funeral is on Monday, part of me wants it to be over, but the biggest part of me knows that when it is, that is that, the final goodbye, and gradually everyone else will return to normal life, while my normal has changed for ever. I am scared of falling apart, of not being able to get through the day, I want to speak at his funeral and I know that people will understand if I break down and can't but its something I want to do so badly, a last gift to him in a way.
Seem to be crying more today than I have done since the day that he died. Normally I have a good sob in the morning and then a few teary moments throughout the day, today the tears just keep coming. Just feels so lonely.
Thanks again for your comments, knowing you all understand just how this feels helps so much, hugs to all
 

[Brian71]

You could write it out Suey and get the minister to read it out on your behalf, which is what I did.   I did however give a short speech at the reception afterwards.   We had what they call a humanist service,  where religion is not mentioned, as we had both given up our beliefs 30yrs ago.  It's where they discuss the life of the person and what she/he meant to people.

My wife wanted a non religious service, and in a sealed letter she had wrote before having lung surgery back in 2013,  she requested laughter at her funeral and everyone should wear red noses....absolutely true, plus lots of balloons.  That's exactly what we did, and afterwards we released 200 helium balloons where many of us wrote messages on them.   I don't think the funeral people had seen anything like it before...lol

Sadly there wasn't much laughter,  but we gave her what she wanted, which in a way made us feel even worse, because she was always just so positive and lifted peoples lives.  IOW her glass was always half full, it was I who was the pessimist with the half empty glass.   I console myself with the thought, that at least we did have 49 wonderful years, some people have much less.

However, if you strongly feel you need to speak Suey, then do so, and as for crying...let it come out,  writing this... has started the tears running again,  it's normal....let it happen.  Re. Lonely...yes that is something I'm still struggling with.
 

[alan2273]

7 weeks ago I lost my wife after 44 years of marriage, like you we had no children.
And after looking after her for 3 years because of her disabilities and dementia, all our friends stopped coming, add to that no family within 100 miles, and yes the loneliness, being retired, so not even work mates to see, but it has given me the kick up the backside to do something about it.
I too wanted to speak at my wifes cremation, but fearing I would break down I asked the minister to do the speech and he was far more eloquent than I could ever have been.
As you stated if other people have not been through grief, they cannot understand, but my two neighbors were a godsend in the first three weeks.
I do not cry so much now but every so often something brings back a memory that cause me to cry once again.   

[Brian71]

My 2 sons live within 20 miles away Alan,  one has visited me twice since his Mums funeral in April and phoned twice,  the other has been over once and that was only to show off his new car,  he's phoned 3 times since April.   Fortunately daughters do seem more caring and thoughtful.  My daughter lives in Cornwall, I was expecting them up today with the 2 girls, but the youngest 5yrs who has Spina Bifida is not well,  so sadly they cannot make it.  Ah well next time perhaps.  I may have a drive down.

[Hubby]

The funeral day is something most people dread. I didn't want to go to the funeral on the day but from somewhere I managed to get the strength to go. It wasn't as bad as I imagined it would be. Sure there were lots of tears but there were also many shared memories and lots of support.

I didn't do a reading, leaving that to my daughter, but if I had prepared one I reckon I could have read it. People will understand if you 'fall apart', they will probably expect you to and they will understand so it's nothing to be scared of.

[Karena]

If you write it down and then find you are not able,you could ask the minister as suggested or have someone who knew him to step in on the day if you feel you can't do it.that way its more personal.your words spoken by someone he knew.I asked a friend to read mine.

[Suey]

Don't know how but I made it through Mick's funeral, it was difficult but beautiful, there were tears and smiles, I held it together, I said what I wanted to say and I didn't cry till the end of the day when I finally said goodbye to dear friends who had come to be with us. I have come home now, I'm alone but it feels like he's here with me, still loving me. I know that tomorrow, and the next day and the next day and on will be hard, but today, I have peace.