Six months

[longedge]

For me this another one of those, "Well it's not only me then" moments.
When you stop and think about it I suppose that we all feel the same way about shopping for one. It just makes the feeling of loneliness worse doesn't it 

[Karena]

 

[Hubby]

Thanks for the replies. There's definitely something about the 'meal for one' printed on the box that that rubs your nose in it

I woke up late for work today. Couldn't get to sleep last night so I made sure I set two alarms on my phone. I must have stopped both and gone back to sleep. I managed to get in in time for an arranged delivery of some lifting equipment but the delivery driver was one and a half hours late. I sat in a car park waiting and put a CD on and before I knew it I was crying my eyes out. I don't know why but for some reason 'Mr Blue Sky' set me off. I don't even have any conscious memories of that being of any significance to me and Margaret. 

After the delivery I went back to the depot and, conscious that it was one if those days when I could get upset at the drop if a hat, busied myself shovelling mud out of sight of everyone else. At home time I found myself bursting into tears while driving and can't for the life of me think what the trigger was.

I took the dog for a walk on the park. The minute we set foot on the park youths started throwing fireworks around. Billy was terrified but then a CPO turned up on s bike and started chasing them. He had hardly any chance of catching one. I don't know what possessed me but I decided to grab one for him. His friends weren't impressed by my public spiritedness and no doubt there will be repercussions next time I walk the dog but what the hell.

Another meal for one tonight, the worst sausage and mash I've ever had, but my daughter is back tomorrow so I'll have a reason to make something better. I just watched telly till bedtime then.

Despite the surprise crying earlier most of the day has been OK.

[Emz2014]

Well done for your bravery hubby, hopefully it will make the others more cautious. I imagine the police should be keeping an eye on that area for a while. Hope Billy is ok. Is he scared of fireworks in general too?  I hate that fireworks are used for so long and not just one night, Raz is scared of them which then results in me having to stand in the garden trying to convince him its safe to go out when he needs a wee late at night. 

Sending a hug, sounds like yesterday was a bit delicate. 

Great thing about Autumn, its a better season for stew. My dad taught me how to make stew, we always had a fun little joke whenever he said he was making one when i was over for dinner that it had to have 'little bums in it' (pearl barley, couldnt remember the name years ago and only description at time came to mind was little bums and it stuck).  I have a huge pot just for stew, i make a gigantic one with chicken then freeze plenty of portions. I was never very good at cooking for one, I either ate dinner which should have fed 2-4 people (the pastabake was just too yummy to stop, and I really dont see how the jar said it could have fed 4!) or if it involved mashed potato I'd have enough mashed potato to feed the street!  Found that mashed potato freezes surprisingly well lol :-)

Xx

[Hubby]

Thanks for the replies.

Eileen. I do smile sometimes and most of the time is now pretty OK but when I look back at the end of the day the crying time tends to overshadow everything else.

I don't think I was brave Emz. I would put it down as being a bit reckless. Round here people don't involve themselves with the police as there's a nasty culture among the kids of intimidating those who do. Billy has been terrified of fireworks since he was a puppy and a gang of lads fired a rocket at him. We have to give him Valium in bonfire night but as you say the fireworks now go on for over a month.

As for today. Four alarms made sure I got up on time, just. It was another night of not sleeping till late (I thought I had sorted the sleeping out). I was a bit miserable, I'm sure some of you will know that 'just about to cry' feeling, during my drive in but there were no tears. I did a bit of work then broke off to go to counselling.

That was strange. I had the feeling there had been improvements even though I have been generally feeling more down since the six month anniversary. Despite the positive feeling my first tears of the day came out during the session. We discussed a few things I should try and get sorted over the week.

Home then. My daughter wasn't due home till teatime so in keeping with the theme while she's away I chucked something in the microwave. Today it was a couple of burgers. I banged a cheese slice on them and some burger sauce to make them cordon bleu and ate them. As I was clearing up afterwards I noticed that they were ten days out of date or as I like to call it 'extra matured'

My daughter has come home now and I'm very tired so I've come upstairs for a bath and bed. Ice also had a quick sob and pleaded with Margaret to come back. I don't know why I do that as it makes the crying worse but it must make sense to me on a subconscious level.

So, in short, not such a good day. 65 maybe 70% good, 25% bad, the rest very bad.

[Emz2014]

I remember going through at least 2 episodes of bad sleep,  and my team colleague at work who lost a loved one 3 weeks after me went through the same experience around the same time, so perhaps its a bit of a cycle thing.  Stay as relaxed as you can and your sleep will come back again  xx

[Hubby]

Thanks again (Daddy?  )

I didn't get to sleep till gone four again last night. It's leaving me really tired during the day and when I get tired I slow down, stop being so busy and then get upset.

I did work today and stopped off for shopping on the way home. I haven't done any this week. The fridge is empty and we're living off what we have in. Despite this I just picked up the dog food and couldn't be bothered getting anything else.

Back out in the supermarket car park I sat in the van looking at all the couples going in and out and thinking that should be Margaret and me. That got me crying so I thought since I'm already upset I may as well go to the grave.

Of course the grave made me even more upset and I did an hour of proper wailing there. It actually frightens me the dark thoughts I have at the grave. I don't think I should go there alone again for a while.

Tea went well then just relaxing. I was going to do a few jobs around the house but my motivation is zero.

Again a mainly bearable day but with that hour and a bit of being really down bring the main memory I have of it and far overshadowing all the 'normal' stuff.

[Julie Magson]

Aw    I hate the supermarkets too, all the couples, choosing stuff together, just horrible. The thing I have to keep reminding myself is that sadly one day they will have to go through the same thing that we are going through now- it's inevitable for one of them really isn't it? I mean everybody will have to go through it (or at least the unlucky ones who go last). So- I don't know, in a way I feel relieved that I have been through it, that what is the worst thing I could possibly face has happened, it isn't still to come. I don't know if any of that makes sense really or if I've explained it very well.

[Karena]

 :hug:I think sometimes we pile on the torture because we need the emotional release,its like if you hear a sad song then put a lot of other sad songs on and keep crying until you run out.add that to lack of sleep and today was always going to be difficult before it started.Tomorrow,s another day I hope it will be a better one for you.

[Hubby]

Evening all.

I apologise if this post is a bit strange but I've been out all evening with some workmates and I'm full of Erdinger dark German beer and old j cherry rum.

Julie. I know exactly what you are saying. It's horrible to realise that for almost every couple one is going to have to go through this. I was even saying at the Leeds meet that if there is any comfort to be taken from bereavement it is that our loved ones didn't have to go through what we are going through.

Karena, my counsellor has often pointed out that I torture myself and asks why I do it and I cannot answer that. I think you have got it spot on. We torture ourselves because we have to let it out. I might throw that into the counselling session next week.

Eileen, no need to apologise. Your slip actually brought back a really happy memory. Me and Margaret went to see a show in Blackpool whet one of the performers was impersonating. Marilyn Monroe. She got a bloke from the audience in stage and draped herself all over him singing 'my heart belongs to daddy'. When she finished she looked at the blokes wife and said to him ' you are in soooo much trouble'. Me and Margaret nearly wet ourselves laughing 

Today I woke up confused and upset. I was sure I remembered Margaret saying something to me in the neurological hospital. My daughters have told me she didn't. They remember everything better than I do so it must be a false memory.

Work was OK and I did sausages and mash for tea. Sausages have always been a bit of a problem and my daughter too longer than expected at a doctors  appointment so I can best describe them as 'caramelised'.

I went out with my workmates after that and got a bit merry. I've just got home and burnt my mouth on microwave pizza. 

Hope you all have a lovely weekend.

[longedge]

This was going through my head today. Why couldn't it have been me to go first. No - wait, then Chris would have had to go through the agony and torment that I have/am suffering -I wouldn't want her to have to do that. Next thought - would she have coped better than I am doing, and the answer to that is most definitely YES. Would she have been a better remaining parent and grandparent - most definitely she would. The conclusion is that it is as it is......You can't change anything!

[Hubby]

I've had the same thoughts George.

Margaret would have been a much better grandparent to little Oliver and a hell of a lot better support to my daughters than I am. I would also hope she would have copex better.

But it is us that have the burden. We cannot change places no matter how much we wish we could.

And doesn't that suck? 

[longedge]

And doesn't that suck? 

Not half!

[Karena]

With the music as well,we have the radio on in our office and there is no way to control what's going to come on.certain songs and I would have to do a sharp exit.perhaps by playing them where I could cry unheard and unseen ( for cry read wail like a banshee sometimes) I was attempting to desensatise them,make them something normal rather than be constantly stressing that i,m going to go somewhere and get upset so avoiding going out where there may be music if that makes any sense.
Its possible you were dreaming when you woke thinking Margaret said something,some dreams I remember vividly others I have also woken confused like that from.

[Hubby]

Thanks for the replies.

It might have been a dream that put the thoughts in my head. I cannot remember dreaming about Margaret at all since I lost her. I wish I could but then again I do not often recall what I dream about so I might be doing it without knowing.

I think there is too much music with memories attached to ever desensitise ourselves. I've even been set off by a tune I can't really attach any significance to. Then there are all the songs with lyrics that seem to take on extra meaning after we have lost someone.

Today I have been teetering on the edge of tears all day. Because of that I haven't got much done and consequently I've been very short tempered. I did manage to find an important piece of paperwork in among the mess and, after three hours of head scratching, I think I have finally managed to set up email on my new PC.

I'm hoping tomorrow I will get more done before my grandson comes in and gives me some guaranteed happy time.