Six months

[Brian71]

Well said Karena.   

Best wishes and hopefully a much better new year.

[Deb63]

Absolutely...🙂

[Hubby]

Thanks for the replies.

I'm really struggling. Yesterday I didn't get up till after lunch. I felt close to tears all day. Ollie came around but even then it took quite a while for me to pick up.

Today I just can't get out of bed. I'm having panic attacks again, difficulty sleeping and some very dark thoughts. I've been at this point before but not in months.

I want her back. 

[Deb63]

 hubby      to you

[Julie Magson]

Ooooh Hubby- it's very daunting at the moment isn't it? I'm not getting up till very late in the day which is great while I'm in bed listening to the radio or nodding on and off to sleep but I KNOW it will make me feel worse once I get up. That is going to be my biggest challenge to myself this year. Back to the docs maybe? 

[Hubby]

Thanks again for the thoughts.

I think the problem might be that New Year's Eve has made me think in terms of years rather than the one day at a time way of looking at things. I can just see this vast expanse of bleakness stretched out in front of me. I need to get back to the here and now but I can't.

 :hug:to you all

[Brian71]

I'm not out of the woods myself yet, far from it,  as for staying in bed this is something I still do occasionally, today was one of those days as it was after 2pm when I managed to drag myself out of bed, though for me it is happening less frequently.

I was concerned to read your still getting those dark thoughts my friend.   I think the first stage of bereavement is the grieving stage which can be anything from months to years.  The second stage is the 'acknowledgement'    IOW acknowledging and accepting your loved one has gone,  and the rational part of me knows I can only move forwards when I finally accept she is no more and no matter how much I long for her to be by my side again it's never going to happen,  I truly wish it was possible.

Somehow we have to overcome all these emotions or indeed they can lead to self destruction.   I empathise because I've felt like that many times I can assure you,  remember I'm the silly old fool who once tried to hang himself one night a few weeks after Ann passed away, and there's been times I wish I had succeeded.   Your not alone I still occasionally get those feelings,  but I try and push them out of my mind.

It's 9mths for me on the 4th and about a month longer for you Hubby,  and I know only too well it's still early days,  but we have to try and accept what's happened and believe me I know that's' much easier to say than do,  because if we don't endeavour to accept and move forwards there's a high risk those dark thoughts that many of us have experienced become reality and our lost loved one would never want that and to cause the family more pain is not right either.

I myself am socialising more,   I've joined the local Bowles Club and being a ex-serviceman the Royal British Legion.   It has all helped me form a little more social life and there is no doubt it's also helping me to cope.   Of course there will always be tearful times, as I will NEVER wish to forget, ANN WAS MY LIFE, you cannot wipe out 49yrs with a click of the finger, though some doctors seem to think you can.
 
I wish you all much strength,  I hope Phil things get better for you my friend,  this is one of those difficult patches we get, hopefully it will pass quickly.

Best wishes.....   Brian

[Deb63]

Hi All.. its at times like these when you see someone suffering so,not to be able to reach out and hug them.I lost my mom January last year and even now i still visit those dark places in my mind,and the just wanting to sleep my life away,i feel that if i sleep most of the day it shortens it,they seem so long.
After she passed i just didnt want to be here,didnt want to live without her she was such a big person in my life,and has left a huge void,one that will be there till the end of my days im sure.
I have family around me,but not the same bcoz its not her,as bad as that may sound.We were a very close family,but now my brothers and myself havent met and spoken in a while,we know mom will be brought up,and i dont think any of us know what to say really.
It got so bad for me last year,and i was so desperately engulfed in grief,that in August last year i had a heart attack :( and im sure mom was there with me the whole time,pulled me through it..i just kept saying to myself *stay with me mom*.
i still have low,sad days where i just want to sob until i cant sob anymore..ive never felt such an ache or so much pain,even now.
I would love to hug you Hubby,tell you its ok, im thinking of you :) and hope you have sunshine days real soon :) 

[Hubby]

Thank you very much for the replies. It means a lot to me that people understand that I am having as difficult a time as ever after nearly ten months. Most people I know think I should be getting myself back together by now and, truth be told, I thought that myself.

Before the holiday I really thought I was getting somewhere. While I had setbacks there were strings of days where I coped pretty well and the good days were getting much easier. This past fortnight has turned everything on its head.

It's not only Christmas and new year. I had a lot if leave to take from work and that has meant I have been out of contact with other people. In the later years Margaret and I only really went out together or with family occasionally and mainly kept each other company so it's very lonely in the house. My eldest daughter is here but my relationship with her is nowhere near what I had with Margaret.

I know that I need to find things to do to get out and meet people but I'm in a difficult position. Work is awkward even while I am still on day shifts as I don't know from one day to the next what time I will be finishing. If I get to go back on nights that is even worse. Add to that the fact that I will have to go back on call at some point and it makes it really difficult to schedule anything regular. On top of that I can't go away anywhere without making plans for my daughter and dog then there's all the stuff Margaret used to do about the house that takes me forever.

It's like everything is stacked against me finding a way to go on at the moment.

Tomorrow I am back at work if I manage to get myself together enough. I'm hoping I can quickly get back to where I was before the holidays, muddling along. Once my head is a bit clearer I might be able to make a few changes and see how it goes.

Thank you again for your kind replies. I hope you have many better days ahead.

 

[Hubby]

A bad start this morning. I had to drag myself out of bed and felt really low. On the drive into work I had to pull over quite a few times on the edge if tears. I sat outside the building in my van for twenty minutes getting myself together. On getting into the office the usual "did you have a good Christmas?" questions were being asked. I didn't bother with the mask which probably made a few of them feel awkward.

I launched myself into mundane manual jobs that didn't need much thought but kept me occupied and out of the way. Then things started getting better. I went back in the office and cracked on with some computer work and gradually got back into the swing of things. After lunch me and my boss went out to a few meetings over a major project. By the end of the day I was in pretty good spirits and that has lasted all evening.

[Emz2014]

The return after Christmas can be hard.  I had an interesting moment yesterday, at the mini kitchen getting my coffee, a woman i know a little comes along (i know her enough for chit chat).  She sees I'm still getting over a cold, tell her I had it over Christmas and she then asks if my partner caught it, i tell her yes, then she asks did your dad get it?   Why on earth that was a logical question I have no idea, I refrained from a response of 'would be difficult as he's passed on' and just said no and thankfully managed to extract myself from further discussion.  I know she'd be mortified if she realised the truth and what she had said, she overreacts/can be dramatic so I couldnt face that.  Anyone else I'm not sure i could have withheld a jokey or sarcastic response - I guess first day back, early start etc lowers the patience/ability to continue the mask

I dont think winter helps much, when the spring starts to break I think it will help a bit, lack of sunlight does make a difference.  Sending a hug  xx

[Karena]

  letting go of Xmas and new year helped me,it doesn't mean not doing the family stuff but being on the outside looking in at someone else's celebration if that makes sense.I follow the pagannew year which is not about the end of something but about the return of the livht as days grow longer, it is a reminder that life happens in a circle not a line with beginning and end, so when our journeys with loved ones take us separate ways it doesnt mean that we will not one day meet again in another cycle.
This journey is also  about moving in a circle of moving forwards then finding ourselves back where we started but in time just as the light turns we learn to accept the dark bits knowing that time in the light will return even without them here physically to share it.
Acceptance is not just accepting they are gone,but accepting our grief for them cannot be rushed or buried under distractions ,but will always be part of our life,a gaping hole that can't be covered over,but can be built around in time.

[Hubby]

Thanks for the replies.

I know it's hard to hold back when someone says the wrong thing. I remember when I told a contractor I had been off because Margaret had died and soon after he said "Do you still miss her?".   My answer was "yes" but inside I was screaming 'What kind of stupid question is that?"

I also think the lack of sunlight along with cold weather doesn't do us any favours. Celebrating the return of light sounds s lot better than Christmas. Maybe they should move Christmas for the bereaved to May (or Australia).

Today hasn't been bad at all. Work was work and I had a counselling session which went pretty well. It made me realise that my setback over the break was down to a combination of many things and that I have to find ways of filling the space in my life Margaret used to fill without 'throwing myself into work'. I've been looking at the night school courses starting next week but there's nothing that I really fancy doing. I don't feel like signing up for a course in eyelash tinting just to meet people. That would be a little too desperate even for me.

[Hubby]

I had a really good day in work today. There were only a few times when I felt a bit down. I managed a shop on the way home, cooked a nice tea and spent a few hours taking the decorations down and all without a single tear.

I cannot believe the change in my mood since Tuesday morning.

[Brian71]

It's good to hear things are improving a little for you Hubby... I hope it continues,  there will still be the odd bad one that's inevitable,  but in time those will hopefully become less frequent.