nearly 5 months gone

[ozzy]

No idea where to start ,nearly 5 months ago on April 21st  my wife and i went to bed as normal said our  love yous and went to sleep . I woke up at 6.30am  got up made a brew and left her snoring as you do. 9am i had to go wake her up as we were due to move house and the landlord had sent someone round to measure for carpets , i found my wife in bed not breathing and blue lips . Talk about mass panic . I eventually found a phone after what seemed an age looking  rang 999 and  struggled to do cpr  for 15/20 mins till they arrived then faced the barrage of questions that followed . I cant thank the paramedics enough they were fantastic and tried for over an hour to revive her but i knew in my heart she had gone . She was 37 years of age  and i am 50  we were each others  soul mates .
Just to make thinks  more head wreaking  the house we were moving to on the 29th fell through as the person who was helping with the bond pulled out  yet i still had to move out of the house 7 days later .  So i had 7 days to sort through a 2 bed house all my wifes belongings  furniture , everything  . We also had 3 dogs which my wife classed as her furbabies as she was unable to have children  of which 2 i was wrongly /rightly (i dont know) was told to rehome  which was heartbreaking  . It was like in 7 days id wiped her belongings and pets off the planet .
On 29th April i walked away from that house with 1 dog and 2 suitcases of clothes  the rest of our life together lay on the driveway waiting for a skip to collect it .
I know how i functioned that week with all the arrangements which had to be made  alcohol fueled yet stone cold sober 24/7 . I found out she had died of a massive stroke .
I went to stay with friends  up till the funeral on 5th may and went to see her every day , if she had been in a bed and not a coffin  id have swore she was asleep  Family fueds  soon started and i kept my distance .
After the funeral i  105 miles out of the way to north yorkshire and stayed with more friends  and took up cycling  and hrew myself into charity work raising funds . It worked i had people to talk to and cycling to stop my mind  from thinking to much , but i missed my family .
5 weeks ago i moved back near family and got my own place  which i thought would do me good   then only last week the whole thing caught up with me , like being hit  in the face  , realisation of  how id walked up the stairs happy and lost every single thing id loved . I have my wife with me in her casket and tell her everyday i love her but get no answer . No signs  nothing .
Ive got from mr get up and go to mr  empty no motivation  cant sleep  , have to force food down me even tho i dont want to eat . Im now crying at every little stupid thing , i went to the council offes yesterday to try and sort housing benifit out before i lose yet another home and it took me 3 attempts to get in the queue without breaking down like a complete fool .

How or why this has hit me  nearly 5 months on is a mystery , iv been the docs and got sleeping tablets  even tho i told her i was having daft thoughts  and started to get headaches with them thoughts .
Im not a great talker in person but am able to write things down  but that doesnt help telling a doctor how your feeling .

Sorry for the long post  im sure ive missed loads out but i think that explains most of it .

Oz  x

[pennyking]

Thank you for sharing.  I know how hard it is to put it into writing.  Everyones grief is different.  What is right for one person is not right for someone else.  Keep talking to us Ozzy, it will help. Take care, Penny x

[Emz2014]

Sending a welcome hug 
So sorry for your sudden loss.  I imagine you spent quite some time in shock, as your loss was so sudden and unexpected and you also had difficulties to sort with the house.
I dont think its unusual for it to seem harder at 5/6 months.  I think our brains 'hide' some of the full impact as we couldnt deal with every emotion all in one go, so it will feel like a rollercoaster.  Just when you think you have gotten the hang of it, another emotion suddenly shocks/challenges you.  Gradually over time some easier days will increase between the bad ones.  Take it day by day, and on a bad day hour by hour if need be
Hope you find it supportive being here, talking things through helps our minds process our loss xx

[Brian71]

I just read what you wrote above Ozzy,  that really is terrible,  it truly is...37 is no age at all,  when you describe your feelings, it could almost be me, as it was April my wife passed away too.
The impact on our future life if indeed we can call it a future when the other half is no longer with us is indescribable,  people who have not gone through it themselves really don't understand, because you can't unless it's happened to you.  I still wake up some days thinking it was all a nightmare, and then reality hits home and you realise you have to face another empty day on your own without them being part of it.
It's  over 5mths and occasionally I still struggle accepting what's happened, as though it's not fully sunk in yet that I'll never ever see her again....and I'm sure you know that feeling as many here do also.

You are right though,  that the way forwards is to find something to occupy our minds a bit more,  something I've not done myself yet,  but it is something we need to do,  being retired and fortunate to be able to have plenty of holidays away, in recent years my wife and I have been having 8  or 9 breaks throughout the year,  ticking off things we had on our bucket list,  many we succeeded in doing,  like touring Italy, Austria,Switzerland for over 3 weeks last year plus a few other countries but sadly there were still a few places we never got to see.   I've been away 3 times for 1 week breaks since my wife died, as I sort of feel I need to get away, and I go to Scotland again shortly for 9 nights away, but the truth is it doesn't really help, knowing she will never again occupy that passenger seat, and I also miss the conversations we all have during our travels, it's just not the same,  it's the loneliness I'm finding hard to get used to.    I never thought in my wildest dreams how you can miss someone so much until it happens to you,  I can think of nothing worse,  but somehow we have to continue and pick up the fragments of what is left.

I agree with Emz2014 comments,  as I also found myself just lately getting the odd really bad day,  people say that happens often a few months down the road.  It's good Ozzy that you have friends, because I'm sure that must help,  and cycling and fund raising events are good too, it means you are getting out meeting people, it's something I need to do,  maybe not the cycling though...lol

Try and be strong my friend, and less of those dark thoughts,  I know all about those,  try and push those out of your mind.    BTW never apologise for a long post,  mine are always long...lol  I sincerely hope things improve for you, as it sounds like you've had a horrendous time Ozzy with everything happening at the same time.

You take care.
 

[Hubby]

Hi ozzy.

I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. I lost my wife in March. She had an aneurysm followed by a stroke. It's a terrible shock to lose a partner so quickly and unexpectedly.

It sounds like you had a lot of things to deal with that kept your mind occupied over the past five months. Keeping busy is one of my coping strategies but I now know that the grief can not be stopped by distracting yourself, only delayed. The feelings you are describing now, nog eating/sleeping/being able to deal with necessary things are the same as I went through in the early weeks.

Being busy and out of your local area has kept your grief at bay. Now you are less busy and back on home turf has brought your loss to the forefront again.

You will get through this stage. Slowly things will get easier but its s long journey with many twists and turns.

Wishing you strength.