new member

[WeepingWillow]

Hi all, new member here desperately looking for support/comfort (I don't know, anything?!) after my dad passed away suddenly 2 weeks ago at the age of 66.

The shock of it all was one aspect to deal with but now day to day 'normality' has kicked in, I'm struggling a lot.

[Julie Magson]

Hello and a warm welcome    What a shock for you, I hope that being on here will help you as much as it is helping me, you will get the support and comfort you are looking for.

[Emz2014]

Sending a welcome hug 
Its a shock to lose our loved ones and grief is a rollercoaster.  It can be surprising to us how long the journey takes but you are not alone here, everyone here is on the same journey at various stages and you will find a supportive group here xx

[WeepingWillow]

Thank you for your reply.

It was all very sudden, from the phone call to say he had been admitted to hospital, to time of death, 16 or so hours. I was there with him, with my mum and sister. I live a fair distance from them all, I moved away a few years ago so I'm glad I made it to him.

in the days after, I stayed at mums/sisters for a few days, came home (felt out the loop once home) then went back for the funeral.

I've come home and gone back to work - which I now think was too much too soon.
There's not been a day I haven't cried, hardly an hour if I'm honest.

I feel like not only am I grieving a father, but also worrying about mum. She has a great circle of friends, very active and full life but I am concerned about her evenings when time alone affects her thoughts. I've almost become obsessed with her welfare and making sure I contact her in the evenings.

I'm not sleeping very well, nor eating. and the feelings are simply overwhelming

[Brian71]

Sorry to hear about the loss of your Dad,  the pain you feel will seem agony at times and lasts much longer than many people think,  but I am pleased to hear your being supportive to your Mom, because she will need all the support she can get, and I know how priceless that support can be.   When my wife of 49yrs passed away in April,  it was my daughter who came to the rescue,    like you she was grieving for her Mum terribly,  they were very close, and phoned each other every day,  she gave me so much support I can never thank her enough,  in fact I doubt I would be here now if it were not for her.   She lives 240miles away, but rarely fails to phone me daily, in many ways we supported each other,  I suppose I've replaced her Mum on the phone, but I'm sure she would rather be talking to her Mum instead of me,  and that's what you need to do with your Mom,  because she will empathise and know how you are feeling too.

I wish you strength in getting through this,  it's not easy,  I know only too well, but we have to try.  It may be worth enquiring if there are any support groups such as Cruse in your area, and maybe have a chat with your doctor.
 

[Emz2014]

It is so hard, in time it will get easier to cope but it takes time. You will gradually, very gradually, find it easier to cope and may have some set backs along the way, it can be a bit one step forward and two steps back at times.  I felt it was like a rollercoaster   just when you thought you were getting the hang of things another emotion slapped you in the face.  But you can get through even the darkest moments, we're always here when you need. Talking helps us work things through and won't feel so alone
The best advice I can give you is to be gentle with yourself, it will take time. Take the journey step by step, on bad days hour by hour if needed. Some days you'll need to rest, and that's OK, just keep gently, slowly moving forward. 
I lost my dad suddenly shortly after his 59th birthday. I still remember the raw pain, the pain that felt physical, the loneliness and confusion, not recognising myself, in time it gets easier 
Talk to us about whatever you want. Some people like to talk about their loved ones, or how they are feeling. xx

[WeepingWillow]

It feels so overwhelming. I can be fine one minute, followed by a crashing low the next, where I'm completely overcome with grief. I'm withdrawn (according to the OH), very quiet when I'm not sobbing. He's worried about me but has his own grief as his sister passed away earlier this year (a truly terrible year for us).
Even when I try to fill the day with the most mundane of chores, my mind keeps drifting back and I'm awash with sadness again. when does this feeling of uselessness pass?? Work have been great but I get the feeling it'll be affected if I continue this way.

I feel crushed. and just want to feel normal again.

[Emz2014]

2 weeks isn't long atall. The various emotions will ebb and flow for some time 
It's also hard when both of you are grieving, my relationship went through a rocky patch as it's hard when you are both struggling with things
Could your work give you flexibility?  Maybe a few shorter weeks at the moment whilst you're still trying to find your feet? Xx

[WeepingWillow]

my boss has been excellent to be fair. but I think I've reached the point where I'm going to visit the doctor for a note. I think I need time to address this properly

[Flicky]

Hi.  My dad died in June last year two weeks after being unexpectedly diagnosed with cancer so I can completely understand how you are feeling.  The shock of it all was immense.   I was signed off work for 3 weeks after the funeral as I just couldn't cope with life and work.  It was probably the most miserable 3 weeks of my life but it really helped to separate work from the rest of my life and I felt so much better when I went back.  My boss has also been very understanding as he lost his mum a year earlier.  I was in a bad way for about 8 months altogether and only started feeling better about things about 6 months ago.  I would do what feels best for you and if that means being signed off for a while to try to deal with things then I would go for it.   

I worry constantly about my mum.  She has a lot of friends who make sure she goes out and does things and she is very active but ultimately is on her own.   I was speaking to her every day at the start but in the end she told me she didn't want the constant contact so we speak every week or so now.

I hope you find a way through it all.   I still have peaks and troughs but more peaks nowadays.

x

 

[Julie Magson]

If that's what you need to do then you must do it. Two weeks is no time at all, I was off for a month when my hubby died and dreaded going back but I have settled back into it.

[Hubby]

Sorry to hear of your loss.

Two weeks in is where the numbness wears off and the reality takes its place. Its really hard. I was off for nearly three months following the loss of my wife.

I wish you strength at this difficult time.

 

[WeepingWillow]

thank you all for your lovely comments.

this week has been incredibly difficult as my little one has also been having problems at school, which even at the strongest of times would've broken my heart!

Ive been to see the doctor, she has signed me off work for a couple of weeks and we discussed my anxiety issues.

This really does have massive ups and downs but thank you all for allowing me to vent and clear my thoughts

[longedge]

It's clear that you loved your Dad very much. My girls love me and one of the things that worries me very nuch is the pain they are going to suffer when my time comes. I pray that they will very soon find comfort in the knowledge that Chris and I loved them and always tried to protect them from hurt. I hope you, like them have happy memories from when you were growng up that will give you comfort.

[Emz2014]

Be gentle with yourself and rest.  Grief is exhausting    it's natural to be anxous about your mum, i felt losing dad was like losing your solid foundations, suddenly everything is up in the air and feels so uncertain. 
Try some breathing exercises, they can help when anxiety builds.  I know one I can tell you if it would help atall xx