Do you ever wonder?

[longedge]

I keep asking myself what is the worst loss I've ever sufffered.

I've lost grandparents, parents, parents/siblings-in-law, pet dogs, close friends and my wife. They all left me feeling numb and unhappy but the loss of my wife was/is on a different scale completely.

The only thing that I can't make a comparison with is the loss of a child although I can see what the effect is since a close friend lost their youngest son a while before Chris died.

It doesn't matter does it - our pain is almost intolerable no matter who we've lost. Our pain unites us.

[Julie Magson]

Yes the only loss I haven't experienced is the loss of a child thank god so I can't even begin to think what that must be like. But I have lost my parents, aunty, my sister, 2 brother in laws. But losing my hubby- woah- totally different with an effect on every single aspect of my 'life'.

[Brian71]

The loss of your wife or husband when you have been together many years is totally something else, my wife and I were married for 49yrs,  SHE WAS MY LIFE,  yes you will be sad when you lose a family member or loved one,  but there is no comparison,  well certainly in my case anyway, of the pain one feels when you lose your own partner, and that is clearly evidenced when my son said his grieving for his mum finished at her funeral... because they simply don't understand.    I can think of nothing worse in my life, no sadness or pain that has ever come anywhere near what I've felt since my wife died in April.  The loss of a child must also be equally devastating. 

Its just a shame we cannot rewind the clock and re-live those last two years so we can tell them every single day how much they mean to us,  because often we leave it too late or never fully open our hearts... though I'm sure my wife knew,  but to live those priceless last 2 years again.....well..I'm sure you know what I mean.

[Julie Magson]

I feel very blessed. Towards the end my husband was moved to a hospital where it was very difficult for me to visit him in terms of distance. But each and every time we were together we told each other how much we loved each other and how the traumas we were going through were making our love stronger every day. So I don't have any regrets about not telling him how much he meant to be- we both knew.

[Brian71]

We were too Julie, we never once went to sleep without saying I love you to each other,  but it would still be nice to re-live those last couple of years,  because in our case two years ago they discovered she had lung tumours but never told us,  they kept saying all was clear, in fact they kept saying she was clear right up to 2 days before she died.   

In the last 2 weeks they kept saying she had a chest infection that was causing her cough, and they continued to treat her for  a chest infection right up to hours before she died, and it was not a peaceful slipping away death either, she had an agonizing death,   gasping for air...she could not breath.  They said the cause of death was Lung cancer,  but the actual cause was respiratory failure caused by un-diagnosed lung cancer they had failed abysmally to detect.
IOW, she had been dying for two years and we didn't know!.....but hospital records and CT-Scans show they did, but we were not told.

A few days after her death,  I received 2 appointment letters from the same hospital for her to attend a respiratory out patient clinic, one was dated the same day as her death and the other the day before, and the appointments were for 2 weeks after she was dead...rather too little...too late...and yes as you may sense...I am still very angry.

[longedge]

Your last post takes my mind back to what I keep thinking and what moved me to post in the first place Brian. Chris also died of lung cancer but she was diagnosed fairly quickly after going to our GP with a persistent cough. After a few weeks of frustration when tests were being carried out we were told that she would not be cured but she started Chemo and the first round of treatment over 6 session saw her responding well. In all we had around 16 months during which we knew that her time was limited. It's just a year ago since we had our last holiday together with our family, in a rented cottage in Seahouses, Northumberland. We came home at the beginning of September and Chris' condition worsened very quickly and she died on 23rd Oct.

Thankfully our hospital experience was good all the way through, excepting the fact that there was no cure. The experience you had was worse than ours.

I think that what troubles me sometimes is that I find myself thinking that my grief is worse than that of others here in the forum. I believe that there should be no measuring of grief but then I keep feeling that nothing in my whole life has had so profound an effect on me. When the thought goes through my mind, it makes me feel guilty.

[Brian71]

Thankfully our hospital experience was good all the way through, excepting the fact that there was no cure. The experience you had was worse than ours.

I think that what troubles me sometimes is that I find myself thinking that my grief is worse than that of others here in the forum. I believe that there should be no measuring of grief but then I keep feeling that nothing in my whole life has had so profound an effect on me. When the thought goes through my mind, it makes me feel guilty.

I'm pleased you had a far better experience with your hospital than we had,  our's was full of gross medical neglect from start to finish.

We all handle grief differently and the amount of distress it can have will vary somewhat too, depending how close a relationship one has had with their partner, but like you I can think of ABSOLUTELY NOTHING WORSE.  The fact I still feel much anger is not having a good effect on me either, and indeed I'm even starting to question whether my posting on here is really helping as it tends to bring it all back, today's not been a good day for me.

[Julie Magson]

That must be so hard for you Brian- sounds horrific and ongoing.

[Brian71]

Thank you Julie, your right it is hard, it is horrific and still on-going, which is obviously not helping me, I have so much anger built up inside me it's agony.  I suppose knowing that she was never given a fair fighting chance,  surely our NHS should be better than this,  but the reality is...in the UK with a serious illness especially cancer it's a post code lottery whether you live or die.

[Hubby]

I'm also having issues with the hospital over the treatment, or lack of it, my wife received. I have a meeting with the head of the trust, the head of A&E and the lead nurse on 7th September. I don't think anything they could have done would have changed the outcome but they could certainly have made har admittance more dignified and comfortable.

Like you I am angry and just want to ensure this doesn't happen to anyone else but I suspect the standard "Lessons have been learned and procedures put in place ..." platitudes will be all I get.

I can say that losing my wife has been the worst experience of my life. Nothing even comes close.

[Brian71]

I'm sure I will likely receive the same Platitudes also Hubby,  your last sentence probably sums up how we all feel on here.

I think had we known before hand that my wife had terminal cancer and a short time left to live I could have accepted that,  but being told for 2 years all was clear, when it obviously was not, and even when she attends her last follow up appointment when they keep her in they are still saying she has a chest infection and continue treating her for a chest infection is unbelievable, right up to 2 days before she died.

When we arrived at the hospital for that last follow-up appointment my wife thought she may have a blood clot on her lung which might be causing her breathlessness,  she could not believe it when they finally told us she had terminal inoperable cancer because they had been continually telling her she was clear.   Also when someone tells you it's terminal,  that does not necessarily mean you will be dead within 2 days.  A neighbour of mine lived for 8mths after being told he had terminal cancer,  but her records clearly show they knew she had literally days to live....2 days to be exact...but we were NEVER told that,   that's why I feel so angry.  Her records show they found tumours back in 2014, but never told us, instead she was given a clean bill of health.  You don't get and die from Cancer in a few days, it takes time, she had been dying for almost 2 years and we didn't know,  had we known I could have accepted that, but the abysmal way it happened...no I cannot, and never will....AIS, if it prevents it happening to someone else then it will have been worth it.

[Julie Magson]

That makes me feel so sad for you both Brian. That is appalling to basically keep that from you.

[longedge]

Brian, we knew for about 16 months. I sometimes feel that those months were for us overshadowed by the knowledge of what was to come. I think the truth is that human nature being what it is, we tell ourselves that the alternative would have been better, sort of 'the grass is always greener'.

I lose track of what I've read and where  but someone said they can't look at photos and that struck a chord with me. I've forced myself to put some photos of Chris up but every time I look I well up and my throat knots up.

[Julie Magson]

I can't look at photos yet, especially our wedding ones. I have one photo of Alan and I up in the living room and even that is hard to look at. What upsets me too is that I can't remember him when he was fit and well- only wasting away to skin and bone and in hospital clothes.

[Brian71]

That must have been painful too seeing him whither away like that Julie,  I suppose I can be thankful that Ann only suffered a few days before she passed away and it was not prolonged as so often happens.