My Sadness

[CornishDave]

I feel a bit of a fraud because many people have lost their loved ones whilst I still have my wife and a lovely daughter who is seven months pregnant. I am a 71 year old man and find I am grieving over my teenage sweetheart! Let me explain, since retiring I have traced many friends from my past and have enjoyed meeting up with them after over 50 years in some cases. I recently traced my teenage sweetheart through her mothers death only to find that she died in 1989 aged only 43 from cancer. The last time I saw her was in 1963 and I last heard from her in 1964. We had gone out together for two years and circumstances caused us to drift apart. I have always hoped she was having a long and happy life and am devastated to find that she died so young. I keep telling myself that the relationship was such a long ago I should not be so sad but it does not help.

I know that her husband is still alive and that she had two daughters who I can see on facebook. At least one of them regularly posts about cancer so I can see she still remembers her mother with great affection. I would love to message her and tell her of my memories of her Mum as a teenager and I have a few tales I think she would enjoy. However I do not wish to upset her and I am not sure how she would react to her Mum's teenage boyfriend contacting her. If I am being selfish it would for me give me someone to talk to as I cannot talk to my wife about this really. I have told my daughter but she is seven months pregnant so I do not want to worry her. My marriage is a perfectly happy one and I have a great relationship with my daughter, who is aware I had traced my old flame. She says you never forget your first love Dad!

I guess I cannot understand why I am feeling so sad after all this time. I think I could have accepted it had she died age 70 last year, but so young seems so awful. Can anyone help me understand this? Should I contact the daughter, I know I would love to have known about my Mum's young life but her daughter is not me!

Some of you will have lost wives, husbands and children and I feel guilty having these feelings which should be nothing compared to yours. If you read this and think he is a silly old fool, I would not blame you, but it seems very real to me.

Dave

[Julie Magson]

Oh Dave- that is such a bittersweet story to read about 
I personally think, that if you were thinking about contacting the daughter, then you should talk about it to your wife first. If you don't, then you would feel as if you were hiding a secret from her. I know it's not like that but I can see why you would want to contact the daughter, a lot of people have teenage loves which doesn't diminish the love we have for our spouses.

[Hubby]

Welcome to the forum CornishDave.

Don't feel that you are a fraud. You are grieving a loss the same as the rest of us.

Wishing you strength.

[CornishDave]

Thanks for your kind words guys. I think it is because it was 53 years since I last saw her that makes me feel so silly to be grieving as I obviously am. My memories are of a teenage girl she was 18 when I last had contact with her, obviously it was a grown mother that passed away. I think I would have been fine if she had died last year aged 70 but it was such a shock to find he died so very long ago and because she lived hundreds of miles away from me I knew nothing about it. My doctor said to me the internet can be great for tracing people but this would not have happened 20 years ago, without the internet I would never had known. Probably would have been easier to have continued hoping she had a happy and long life maybe!

My wife is aware that I have been upset but I think she finds it difficult to understand so I avoid talking to her about it. I am not going to contact her daughter for the moment but I think I might eventually. I do not want to cause her any heartache but it has been 27 years so hopefully her grief will have eased over those years. It would help me if I am being selfish but also I think she would like to know a bit about her mum's teenage years, I would bet she knows very little. Her Dad is still alive and I do not of course want to upset him either although for all I know he may have married again. I am going on holiday soon so I think I will leave this decision for now.

Once again thank you for replying to my post.

[Brian71]

I don't think it is quite the same,  however I do understand the sadness Dave feels on learning the news that a sweetheart, someone he loved 53yrs ago passed away while still quite young.  It is sad,  it's not what you want to happen to someone you thought a lot of 53yrs ago.

However,  it has been 53yrs,  both you and she moved on,  I think it would be inappropriate to contact members of her family after all this time.  It's possible your own wife Dave, would understand fully why you feel so upset on learning this sad news, as obviously we want people we are fond of and indeed were once fond of 53yrs ago to have long and happy lives. we would not be caring human beings if we felt otherwise.

I'm 71 the same age as you Dave,  I experienced genuine real love just once in my life and we had 49 fantastic years until April when I lost her very suddenly.   I really think you have to consider how her family may view it in the event you contacted one of them,  they may fully understand, or indeed they may think the opposite,  I don't know,   she moved on and had a family as did you.   
I think the fond memories you had/have for this dear lady, should remain just that.....fond memories,  when we hear the sad news that a dear friend or anyone we were once fond off passes away, especially at a young age, inside we feel sad so I don't think what you are feeling is silly,  grieving affects each and everyone of us differently.

Your 71 Dave, you are very fortunate you have your dear wife to share your love and you hers, and I truly hope you both go on for many more happy years yet.  So yes grieve for the loss,  even one from 53yrs ago,  and indeed the fond memories you have of that person,  but don't let those past memories stop you embracing what you have now, and make every day count Dave.

[CornishDave]

Thanks for your thoughts Brian I will certainly keep them in mind. I would never approach her husband but as a son I have to admit I would not mind the contact. Mainly I think because I know very little about my parents when they were young because they never said anything, and I wish now they are gone I had asked. I did not even know when or where they were married although in recent years I obtained a copy of their marriage certificate. Both of my ex's daughters are on Facebook so the contact I would make would be to send a short message it is then up to them if the respond or not. However as I say I will continue thinking for a while yet and I certainly have not decided one way or the other.

[Brian71]

I don't know what sort of relationship you have with your wife,  but you might be surprised at her understanding, as often the best councillor in the world is right next to you.   I think I would discuss it with her before I contacted any members of the family as Julie suggested, and keep her in the picture.

[CornishDave]

Brian, I know what you mean about the little girl I often feel this way looking at You Tube! This though is different the closest I can come to my feelings it is like when our last dog died, oh dear that sounds awful. I did not feel like this when my Mum and Dad died although of course I was sad, I lost my Dad when I was 20. I only had two serious girfriends in my life this girl being one the other of course being my wife. My wife is aware I have been upset and why, as I felt quite ill initially and went to the doctor. My daughter was very supportive and it was she that traced the daughters. What I find odd is that for fifty years I have lived a happy married life and do not recall thinking so much about my ex. Now after all this time I expect to feel sorry but not this bad! I guess I came on here knowing that I could discuss it openly without the fear of upsetting anyone. If I do decide to contact one or both of the daughters I will use Facebook, then they can ignore the message if they want to.

[Brian71]

I'm good to hear your wife is aware and understands, never underestimate the value of a good soulmate, sadly we often never share our feelings until it's too late.

[CornishDave]

Funny what you say about dogs Brian we are exactly the same. We would both love a little dog but it would just be so impractical, my daughter has a little Scottish Terrier and visiting her, how would the dogs get on he is not the most friendly with other dogs. By the way I have traced my ex's husband on 192.com, there is a female registered at the same address so perhaps he has a partner, that would make contact easier possibly. Having lost his wife when he was in his 40's, 27 years ago, I cannot blame him if he has another partner. Anyway thanks for listening I will do the same for you if you ever feel the need.

[Soleil]

Hi Dave,

I was just reading all the posts and it sounds like you have some excellent advice from the members. This has happened recently to my sister. She lost her husband almost 3 years ago and of course is still going through her own grief. She had begun to look up old friends from 40 years ago and so far 2 that she would have loved to contact have died in their mid 50's. She didn't expect this when she was searching for them and was very upset that they were no longer alive.  I don't really have any advice of my own other than I think you should let your wife know whatever you do and let her see what you are writing. You don't need to worry your wife that you are following up on a long lost love. She is presumably the one you fell in love with and she needs to know that even though you have been married a long time.  Wishing you the best whatever you do. 

[CornishDave]

Well I told my wife and she is OK. My old flame's daughters have contacted me and asked me to let them have a bit of a history of my time with their Mum. I am going to do this for them as they know little about their Mum's younger years and would like to know. My ex was living in a convent when I went out with her under the guardianship of a very nice nun. To my great surprise I have found that she is still alive and in her early nineties! She not only remembers my ex but remembers me as well and has asked me to write to her as she would love to know how I got on in life I guess. I am still very sad that my ex died so young but I am looking forward to writing to her former guardian and her daughters, as they say "it is good to talk"!

[Hubby]

Pleased to hear you didn't have any problems with telling your wife or contacting your ex's family Dave. It could have so easily turned bad.

Now you are in contact you as well as her daughters  will be able to find out more about her life and form Amore complete picture and that has got to be a good thing.

Take care.