I've been reading posts for a while now and have finally plucked up the courage to leave one of my own. It's a long one as I've been writing it for weeks.
I'm 50 and my dad died in June 2015, two weeks after being diagnosed with cancer. None of us (my dad, mum, sister or me) had any real idea that he was ill. He had been visiting the doctor fairly regularly but nothing was found so the diagnosis was a shock to us all. It started in his pancreas and spread to several other parts of his body including his lungs where it was eventually picked up. There was nothing the doctors could do for him. He died at home and his last day was not pleasant - it was relatively peaceful at the very end but the hours leading up to it were traumatic and deeply upsetting.
My initial feeling, which ended up lasting for some time, was guilt at not being able to summon up any emotion about losing my dad. I guess I was in shock as everything happened so quickly and it took a long time to sink in. I still feel numb. I haven't cried properly and didn't cry at the funeral as all effort went into supporting mum and getting her through the day. I'm not even feeling any emotion while I'm writing this. I lost 8 months of my life in a fog of grief and bewilderment and was signed off work for 3 weeks after the funeral as I just couldn't cope with life how it was and with my job. I was told by a neighbour that she woke up one morning a year after her mum died and finally felt ok about things - not over it or anything like that, just feeling better in herself. I didn't believe her, but that day came for me in February this year. I guess that was acceptance and deciding that life has to go on, however difficult that might be.
I completely understand comments from adult children re being constantly asked about the parent left behind, but not being asked how I am. It seems like other people think that I've not been affected by dad's death or that because I was only his daughter somehow it isn't so bad for me as it is for mum. It is as bad, but its a different bad, if you get what I mean. Hardly anyone, apart from the neighbour mentioned before, has asked how I am getting on - it's still "how's your mum doing?" and that's it.
I can't/don't want to talk about things with mum, my sister or partner as they were all there when dad died and I can't really see the point in going over it all with them. I had 3 sessions of Cruse counselling after six long months but it was no good as it came far too late and wasn't for me. Maybe it was the wrong kind of counselling, I don't know, but sitting there in front of somebody and being expected to pour out my feelings made me feel really uncomfotable. I just needed to know in the early weeks and months that what I was feeling (or not feeling) was normal. Since finding this forum I have realised that it was all normal and I wish I'd discovered it sooner as I would have gained so much reassurance.
Time does help but it hasn't got consistently better and better over the last 13 months. I had been feeling quite positive but in the last few days I have gone back down again - very low mood and no enthusiasm for life or work. I'm trying to be positive at home but its difficult. We've got two new dogs but I'm not as happy about that as I should be. I think the brick wall I built up around myself last June is starting to fall down and I need to deal properly with how I am feeling.
Sorry for the ramble - its been a while in the making.