Counselling Help

[Gogga12]

Counselling Help
Are there many of you that have tried counselling? Have you found it a help in understanding the stages/process of this grieving?

I've been in touch with Cruse but understand there is a waiting list and I'm told they don't think it helps in the first 4 months of grief anyway, I'm only at 2 months. I had counselling many years ago for another matter....in all honesty just found they pulled my life apart then withdrew funding due to cutbacks and I was left in pieces wondering how to put it all back together again.

I'm just in a really bad place this last week, can't find any purpose in getting out of bed, nor getting dressed or eating. I'm just shutting myself away, now I'm not even answering the telephone on the rare occasions it rings because I can't contol my grief when I'm talking to people. I've been to the doctor, although he was understanding, there was nothing he could do to help.

Any help appreciated. Thanks

[Emz2014]

In the first few months I think there's so much to process that perhaps our minds arent in the right place for counselling. With all the arrangements to do, and with the shock and it all sinking in we arent in a place to make changes etc, it takes all of our energy to go from day to day

I do think counselling has a place in many situations, bereavement included, but I think it is important to find the right kind of counselling for you. There are many different types of counselling, person centred, cognitive & behavioural, psychoanalytical, humanistic and many others.  It is also important to find the right fit, you need a rapport with the therapist, so dont be afraid to change people, if the fit with that person doesnt work

I had counselling years ago when I went through a difficult period, I believe it was person centred counselling and personally I didnt find it helpful atall.  She just sat there and she just made me feel awkward, felt like she expected me to just sit there in tears or behave a certain way and it was like talking to a brick wall.  For me it also didnt help it being a prearranged time, after 'holding it all together' for work etc then rushing to the appt through traffic etc I didnt feel in the right zone to open up.  Im sure person centred may help others, for me it wasnt a good fit. (Or perhaps it was her particular approach to it).  I think perhaps a different therapy would have suited me better.

I do believe it is not helpful if the therapist just wants to repeatedly go over traumatic memories.  Its one thing discussing them to find a way forward (especially if you yourself feel you need to talk about it), but their focus should be moving forward, not making it more painful for you.

For me during my grief being able to talk with others here who understand was really valuable to me and I have not sought counselling at this time. I wouldnt rule it out if i felt i needed it in the future, there's nothing wrong with needing to 'borrow' someone elses mind to help you get back on track Xx

[Gogga12]

Thank you Emz, all you say makes a lot of sense. I appreciate your views and help x

[Karena]

I got bereavement counselling through my gp,and the first two weeks I almost gave up on it because I came out feeling terrible,but it did help after that,the lady I had suffered bereavement herself,she didn't mock my views or tell me I was illogical,she didn't try and analyse me or tell me I should be doing something ,or it was time to move on let go or any other daft things she listened and sometimes said back to me what I had said then turned it around and helped me to look at it another way,so certainly with guilt and with not accepting help offered by friends but trying to go it alone she helped a lot.Its as Emz says different people have different experiences,there isn't a "cure" for grief but there is help in sorting through things that go through your head and finding ways to cope with it.

[Gogga12]

Thank you Karena,  that sounds really helpful, yes, it's good to look at this a different way and sometimes we need that pointed out to us as our thoughts go round in circles especially when we are on our own.

I did talk to the doctor. They don't offer anything in the way of counselling themselves here due to lack of funding now, he just referred me to Cruse.

[Karena]

  it is normal to get setbacks like you're experiencing now,The first weeks you're in shock and there's everything to do,then it seems everyone else goes back to normal lives,the world keeps on turning but you don't know what normal is any more because for you everything cannot be normal and you don't want the world to keep turning because your world has ended.The poem stop all the clocks by wh Auden is really a good way to describe this,and came from the heart when the poet lost his lover.
We are not councillors here but we do have a myriad of experiences when it comes to grief.If it helps you could start like a diary here like Hubby has done.Writing things down helps especially when you can't talk because talking means losing control.

[Hubby]

Hi Gogga.

I started counselling last week and had my second session today so it's difficult to say if it's having any effect. Last week I had to face up to a few things I had put to the back of my mind and it set me back a bit but this week was not too bad.

As Karena has said I keep a sort of diary on here and it helps me to write things dos at the end of the day to try and keep track of my ups and downs and clear my head.

In the earlier days, before counselling was an option, I used to ring the Samaritans. They aren't just there for suicide and It really helped to pour everything out to a stranger at the end of a phone and not be judged or told what to do. I found that after a call to them I could get a handle on some of the whirlpool of thoughts running round my head and think more clearly. They even used to ring me weekly to check on how I was doing.

Perhaps giving them a call might help you in the short term. You don't have to give them any details if you don't want to and can end the call at any time.

Take care

 

[Gogga12]

Thank you Hubby. Yes, although I'm fairly new on here I have been reading your posts and think you're doing amazingly well, although I doubt that you see this ! That is good to know about the Samaritans, I never realised they would actually call you back to check on you. Having read some of the FB postings recently about what some counsellors have been saying to people in our situstion, well it beggars belief and makes you wonder what sort of training these people have had to come out with the things they do.

I'm glad your sessions have started well, I pray that continues for you. Keep us posted. In the meantime big hugs and thanks for your reply x

[Gogga12]

Thank you Karena, I totally agree with all that you say and it's exactly the way I feel and probably for the exact reasons you give.

Agree the people on here are not counsellors but, in all honesty, it seems they give better advice and support then many of the counsellor seem to do !  The support I've received in the last couple of weeks has been amazing. Xx