Saying Hello

[paultheartist]

Hi. This is my first visit to a support forum. I am not sure what to expect but hope that maybe if I share my story someone might understand what I am experiencing.

3 months ago my fiancee died by suicide after a long battle with anxiety and paranioa steming from a trauma that happened to him 11 years ago.

Mostly our life was like everyone elses. We were due to get married after Christmas and we have a beautiful 4 year old daughter who misses her daddy every day.

Feb/March last year is when the worst of his experience started, Paul became very paranoid and hypervigilent which resulted in 3 rapid admisson to mental health wards, during all of the stress I suffered a miscarriage and the upset and grief only added to thr stress of the situation.

After a short period things got back to relative normality but Paul never fully recovered from such a severe episode.

Then this year again Feb/March Paul's symptms seemed to reoccur, this was hard for both him and me as it brought back memories of his trauma and the loss of our baby.

I thought we had worked through it better this time but unfortnately after an argument resulting from Pauls use of alcohol over a few days he left the house and took an overdose of 144 asprin.

We located him and he was forced by the police to attend A&E where he was in quite a bad way medically. I was told that he would not be seem by mental health until he was medically fit.

Without any contact or information about Pauls care I received a phone call to say he was being discharged. I panicked as I was shocked. I disagreed with the decison to discharge, because of our daughter I felt I had no choice but to leave the family home as I did not want her in a volitile and stressful environment.

Paul was discharged with no immediate support from mental health, things escalated so badly I had to present to the police as I was afraid for his safety but they felt he was fine. Someone from mental health seen him 3 days after discharge and expressed their concerns with me but chose not to see him again for 3 days.

There were 12 days between Pauls attempted suicide and his choice to complete and he only seen someone from mental health for 1 hour when he had already attempted and was known to mental health services.

I know that Paul just wanted me to come home but I couldn't do it. I told him I loved him but needed a break, that we would take it a step at a time that Jessica had to come first but I would support him but it seems that wasn't enough.

I love him so much and miss him so much. I feel so guilty that after everything we have been through that I let him down in that last week.

I don't know how to come to terms with what he did, that he left us, that he was in such torment. If I had just said I love you, we will get through this but I didn't. I feel like that would have made a difference and we wouldn't be here now.

Maybe he would still be here and my heart wouldn't be in pieces and my daughter would still have her daddy.

[Joann]

So sorry for your loss. Sending welcome 

[rajahh]

Such a tragic post, it is hard to know what to say to comfort you. To be honest at the moment I don't feel comfort is possible.

However understanding your pain is, sharing your torment is,  we have all suffered a loss, and many ofus have to deal with the pain of regret .

You put your daughter first and most if not all mothers would have done the same. If you had come home and Paulreally frightened her or he was aggressive towards you or her then he would have had that extra trauma to deal with, so you really did do the right thing.

You were living anightmare with very little chance of a simple solution.

Keep talking to us and we will walk alongside you foras long as you need us.

[paultheartist]

Thank you for your response. It is a difficult thing to come to terms with as is any bereavement and my thoughts are with all of the forums users.

Paul was never a risk to me or Jessica he would never have harmed us if anything his main objective in his fear would be to keep us safe but the environment was too stressful and emotional to have a child in.

I wish so much he could have understood that but in his turmoil I don't think that he could reason with what could be he could only see the present situation.

I told him there was hope that I loved him but needed a break as it was starting to affect my mental health.

I was trying to make him fight to get help and see what he was standing to loose but I feel guilty that this was not the right action. I was always there to pick up the pieces but it never ended in a different result, just repeated patterns so I tried to change tact.

I miss him, I long for him to come back to me.

I find it hard to cope with thinking he left this world thinking I didn't love him or that he was going to be on his own.

He said to me that life scared him but that he would get through it for me and Jessica. I should have said then that we would work it out but I didn't, I just said I loved him but needed space.

My whole life turned inside out with catastrophic consequences all in 12 days and now I am tortured.

[Emz2014]

Sending a welcome hug 

It is very hard when someone is in distress, it is hard to support them.  You did what you could with the best knowledge you had at the time.  Unfortunately grief also brings the 'what ifs', 'should haves' etc, even though there is no guilt it can play tricks with our minds

It will take time, be gentle with yourself, do your best to realise you did all the things you could with your best intentions. Take each day as it comes and keep talking,  it does help xx

[Hubby]

Welcome to the forum. I am so sorry to hear of your tragic loss.

We nearly all experience the guilt and the 'what if?' questions as part of our grieving. This is our mind trying to make sense of the situation we suddenly find ourself in and seeking to explain our loss. Although it is hard you shouldn't take on any of the blame for Paul's death. You only did what was best at the time with the information you had. It was his illness that took his life.

Wishing you strength

 

[Norma]

Sending you a welcome hug xxx

 

Reading your post was heartbbreaking it must have been so hard for you to put it all into words, but i do believe that by doing that it may have helped you to make some sense of the trauma you have  been through, my sincere thoughts are with you, i cant say anything different to what the others have said, but please try and take comfort knowing that here is a safe place for you to pour your heart out, we are all behind you xxxxx