Minds playing tricks

[Spaicer]

I'm sure I have mentioned before that I don't believe in spirits or anything after death, I respect others beliefs but for me death is final and my husband was the same.
The thing is the last few weeks as I've walked the dog, which I do around 6am when it's really quiet and it's just me, the dog and my thoughts (I always have the radio on in my ears) I have been getting emotional, Terry filling my mind as he always does, I have been getting shivers, there is no pattern to them but they always happen as I'm most upset & sad, if I wasn't such a sceptic I would definitely say he was trying to comfort me.  I wrote this off as my mind playing tricks and just my sadness manifesting itself but then a couple of nights ago as I was putting my autistic son to bed he was talking out loud to his dad, which he sometimes does and he said "it's alright dad I'm going to bed now I'm going to be a good boy and let mum get some sleep" and he physically shivered, I've never seen him do that before he kept on talking to me and I didn't say anything to him about it.  But this has really got to me, it's just coincidence and my mind is playing tricks saying "but what if it is him?"
I'm finding it upsetting and it fills my mind & now I find myself waiting for it to happen.  I've had grief before, losing both my mum & dad & whilst I was sad I had Terry to get me through it but this time there's no support. I know I'm rambling a bit but wanted to tell someone, don't feel I could tell my friends, feel a bit foolish for even thinking it.

[Hubby]

Hi Spaicer.

Like you I also believe death is final. Even so, occasional odd things have happened since losing Margaret which really test my lack of belief in an afterlife.

Like you I put these things down to coincidence or my mind playing tricks but I would like to believe, more than anything, that there was something, some way to see her again.

Wouldn't we both be delighted to be proved wrong?

Stay strong.

 

[longedge]

I wonder if there is anyone in our position who doesn't have odd moments when something happens that make you wonder. I have always believed that death is final and deep down I still do. Having said that, over the last few months on several occasions I've heard Chris speaking my name, I've felt a light stroke across my fingers while I was lying in bed and across my shoulder while sitting staring out of the window. I know that the mind is tremendously powerful and I put it down to the longing and yearning in my mind causing or creating these things. If I'm wrong it wouldn't be for the first time  - I suppose I hope I am.

[Karena]

but what if you give yourself permission to believe it,you dont have to tell anyone so why feel foolish , why not just treasure the idea and allow it to become a comfort too you.

[rajahh]

I agree wth Karena. I believe it and it comforts me.

[Hubby]

I'm sure that if I did believe it would offer me comfort but I cannot. That's just the way I am. 

[Spaicer]

Thanks for the replys, haven't had anymore "shivers" since writing this post, but I've been a lot less emotional and more rational than when I get upset. So back to not believing.
I'm starting a new job soon & had to go along there yesterday for a few hours, I had to tell one of the staff that my husband had died earlier this year & managed to do it without my voice breaking, a first for me.
Got upset over a particularly nice Photo of Terry this evening tho, small steps forward then a couple backwards, will it ever get better? Can't imagine it ever will at the moment 

[longedge]

What's it matter either way really? Let's take comfort however we can knowing that our loved ones would if they could and just perhaps do stay close to us.

[Spaicer]

That's a nice thought longedge and very true they'd hate us to be sad 

[longedge]

they'd hate us to be sad

And that is so true as well. A thought occasionally goes through my mind about the last few days before Chris died. She was more worried about me than about herself and everyone who visited her got extensive instructions from her about how they were to look after me. I try to stop myself thinking about it because it's a sure fire way of making the tears flow  - I wish I could be more at peace just because that's what she wanted
.

[Karena]

 :hug:I,m sure she would also understand that you can't help being sad.If there is anything at all afterwards then we have no way of knowing but I imagine they would share the sadness of separation and understand better than anyone the sadness in us.At the same time if they are trying to look over us and to reach us in some way how much more sad for them if we cannot affirm that presence.