I met my husband in 2004, I saw him in a bar and very soon we were spending all of our time together.
Having had a failed relationship prior and two beautiful children I didn't believe in prince charming or soul mates.
He was different, we had so much in common, we could talk for hours about the constellations, music, comic books, films and life, I never knew anyone could love me as much as he did, he'd constantly tell me how beautiful I was and how much he loved me, bought me flowers and gifts all of the time, we were so happy.
Despite him having a series of health conditions, I thought we'd grow old together. In 2011 we got married in the most perfect of settings in Malta, it really was a dream come true. Less than 12 months later I became a widow...
The pain of having all that taken away is too much to bear, I didn't recognise myself anymore, I was angry, felt hopeless and let everything go. Life wasn't important anymore, nothing mattered except seeing him again, except I HAD to carry on for my children.
I tried to concentrate on being a mum and rebuilding our family, the kids took it really hard too, he treated them as if they were his own and loved them unconditionally.
Fast forward a couple of years, having had bereavement counselling, cognitive behaviour therapy, antidepressants and various other methods I still couldn't move forward. I got the idea in my head that my friends and family thought I should be over his death by now and people stopped talking about him. I was left inside this bubble of loneliness, anger and self loathing.
Gradually I began to feel like I wanted to be loved again and now I'm in a new relationship with an old friend. This wasn't meant to happen but I'm glad it did, he's an amazing, loving and inspirational man and slowly I'm feeling glad to be alive and wanting to plan a future.
But it's hard. I'm struggling with anxieties and depression and I feel like I'm going crazy.
I've come to terms with the fact I'll never be the person I used to be but now I'm needy and anxious, short tempered and grouchy. I'm tired all of the time and have no energy or motivation, no hobbies or interests apart from gardening and a little woodwork, I'm not a good person.
