Been looking from the outside in and have taken the plunge

[EmJels]

Hi Everyone,
Part of me feels a bit of a fraud posting on here as some of you have lost so much more than me and I admire your strength so much.
I am 47 and lost my Dad to Cancer a year ago.  Since then I have become the family rock.  Supporting my Mother through everything. the organisation of everything following Dad's death. Selling the family home, downsizing, her grief which came out as a scarily massive spending spree!  I finally fell apart two weeks ago.  Signed of work and a complete mess.  I feel such a failure even though all those who love me are telling me that I need to let it out.  Problem is when I do let go, I still try to stop myself.
I am waiting for an appointment to see a Counselor from the Hospice where my Dad died.  They were so lovely when it happened but I feel abandoned by them now.  Over a week I have been waiting to hear from them.
I just feel that I have let everyone down by not managing to stay strong.
Thank you for letting me join this forum

[Norma]

Sending a welcome hug xx

 

You should not feel a fraud Emjels, you have suffered the loss of your dear father, and as you say become the family rock, probably over the past year youve kept yourself strong to support your mum therefore not giving yourself time to grieve, hence how you are feeling now, you are not letting anyone down hun, you need to take care of you now.  Hopefully you will soon hear  from the counselling, but till that time try not to be so hard on yourself, take it one step at a time xxx

[EmJels]

Hi Norma,
Thank you for your comments. 
I have joined the facebook group as well and have had such a warm welcome there too. 
I am so glad that I have found this group.
I need someone out side of my family to talk to.  My family are amazing and I love them all so much which I think is part of my problem. Tying to protect them, which is what my Darling Dad always did for us.

[Norma]

Yes Emjels i noticed you had also joined the fb group, i know you will find all the support you need from here, what you say about needing to talk to people outside of your family is the same for most if not all the members, none of us like to burden our families, and more often than not our friends tend to steer clear of talking to us about our loss, its not that they have forgotten they just dont want to upset us, so yes  hun talk away as much as you need to, and why not try the live evening chat room. Xxx

 

[Soleil]

Hi Emjels,

I can only echo what Norma has said. Never discount your own grief. You feel how you feel and should not be denied it. This is a truly wonderful forum and reading other posts can give you strength and you will also know you are not alone. 

[Emz2014]

Sending a welcome hug    it's hard to lose your dad, and it is normal to grieve, be gentle with yourself
It can be hard being the strong one of the family, I took on that role when I lost my dad.  Grief is a bit of a rollercoaster, take little steps  xx

[Hubby]

Welcome to the forum Emjels.

It sounds like you have been so busy helping others in your family with their grief you have not had time to take care of your own. Those people telling you that you need to let it out are giving good advice. You cannot delay the grieving indefinitely. If you could I'm sure we would all do it.

You have been strong for your family and now it is your time to grieve. Let them support you for a while.

 

[rajahh]

Many people your age ( my guess based on the fact your father was 47) have not had to face such a loss, and fir you to "stay strong" and help yoyr mother with her grief, selling house etc will havebeen a very draining experience for you.

You havebeen given good advice here about "letting it out". It can ge scary when we do but we all need to do it sooner if later.

Keep talking to us, love Jeannette

[EmJels]

Hi All,

Thank you so much for your support on here and also the FB page (although I have to admit I find that a little overwhelming at the moment). It is amazing how when this happens we honestly believe we are the only person it is happening to.
Jeanette thank you for your supportive words. Just wanted to clear up that I am 47. My Dad was 71 and had battled this wicked disease for 6 years.
After my Dad had died last year, my Sister and I discovered, when we met with the Solicitor about the will, that Dad and Mum had been told in the January that he would not make Christmas.  He died on the 23rd June.  This hit me like a sledgehammer as our parents had promised us they would tell us every time they had any news on Dad's condition.  They chose not to tell us this part and, at the time, I felt so betrayed.  Then on go the 'Big Girl Pants'. Up went the very high, very strong brick wall and off I went. Doing what I do. Organising. Sorting. Resolving. Being strong.
I just do not know how to deal with myself and my emotions now that they are coming out.  I keep thinking I am doing OK and then I fall apart.  Currently this is happening in the wee small hours of the morning which is not helping my coping mechanism during the day.
I am an Management level PA in my working life so am used to coping with all sorts of issues.  Keeping many plates spinning. I am just not used to feeling out of control without knowing what to do to make it right. 
Everyone keeps telling me that talking will help and I am so glad that I have found all of you on this forum as I do feel able to be honest and open when I'm on here.  Although I have a permanent need to apologise for the way I am right now and my verbal Diarrhoea
Thank you so much for your time and your kind words 

[rajahh]

Yes I have  just read your post again, need to slow down Jeannette!!

It is still very draining being the organising one the supportive one, and  it is obviously telling on you.

The fact that you are a PA. only compounds the Stress I feel,  you expect a high standard of yourself and not allowing yourself to grieve at all.

I was a carer for my husband and made all decisions for years  but when I was left my own, I became unable to function in the same way. I question my decisions constantly now, when before I just got on with it.

Very often the twelve months comes to bite us, and I have just, been facing the two year  downward spiral too, grief takes a long time.

IAm sorry your parents did not share that news with you, I can understand how you felt let down, but they must have made a joint decisions fo reasons that I am sure were to spare you months of anticipation. This has backfired but see it as an act of love on their part if you can

[EmJels]

Thank you everyone for your replies and your kind words.  You have all coped with so much and you truly are being a huge help to me.  Yes, little steps and giving myself time... I am trying, I really am.

I think that is my biggest problem - I expect a huge amount of myself all the time and am just not used to feeling so out of control.

I am just coming to the end of my first two weeks of being signed off and I am already getting into a complete state about how I am going to cope if I have to go back to work.  I have been in my job for over 5 years.  There is no pressure from my employers (I am very lucky). They want me to be back firing on all cylinders before I return.  It is just me and my mindset.  Oh, I am so confused with my emotions 

I guess the anniversary is always going to be a tough day.  I just hope that I can let all this bottled up emotion go now and come back stronger and able to offer to support and guidance to others who join this forum, as you all do.

I have spoken to my Mum about their decision not to tell us and she says that it was because they were not prepared to accept it when they were told and, yes, they did want to protect us.  Even though we are both grown women we are still their 'little girls'.  I get that now but at the time it was very hard to see.

[Karena]

I agree with Jeanette I think your mum and dad were trying to spare you pain or maybe just didn't find the right opportunity to tell you,but also having experienced loss to cancer there is always,even when you're told otherwise a kind of hope that there will be a miracle or that there is more time or even that its been a mistake.Saying out loud to someone else that it isn't the case ta kes that away somehow, sorting out a will is different because people do that at any stage in life and a solicitor is just dealing in facts,they are not personally involved.but as parents saying it to your children no matter how old they are is going to hurt them you can't say it ,leave and then pretend you didn't say it in the same way.And one of the most unbearable things in life is seeing your children hurting.I,m not saying it was the right decision for you but I believe 100 percent it was made out of love for you.

Unspoken rules here are that no ones grief is any more or less valid than anyone else's and there is no limit to how long posts are.Grief has to come out even years later and when it does it hits hard.No matter how in control you are used too being this is something beyond that,so try not to worry about going back to work and when you do it might be worth asking about a phased return to ease you back in more gently.
Being here rather than fb you sometimes get less instant replies and it faster moving so can be more overwhelming but use both platforms as suits you.There is also live chat you can access from here usually more people around there in the evenings,but be assured whichever you use you are among friends.

[Helen_S]

Hi Emjels
I lost my husband 6 years ago. It was unexpected and a big shock. Like you I went into organisation mode and was strong for everybody around me.  I didn't start to grieve for a long time. I have found that you have to take one step at a time. This forum was my rock when I found it, so I am sure it will be the same for you. Sending you big hugs.
Helen