Loosing me...

[Jessxx]

The struggle is now at its worst .. its been 7 months since loosing my everything my tony .... the world is rushing past me so fast I can't keep up .. feeling bitter angry upset exhausted lonely sad  the list goes on  and on its relentless... since he passed I've had nothung but everything else crumble and get on top.of me to the point now I don't want to be a mum as I can't handle it .. im useless to my daughter ... I lock myself in my bedroom most days . Can't seem to get any ok days ... its been a long while since an ok day Was here .. gone into deep depression no one understands  apart from this site .. so I've isolated  myself as fed up of explaining myself going over n over it all .. im a pro at pretending and puttimg the fake face on if I see anyone which I avoid as much as poss... the anxiety  is at its worst ... the hole I'm in is getting deeper ... trying to claw my way out but it's over filling .. this is consuming every part of me .. week by week I'm loosing who I am or who I'm ment to be ... im just  an empty shell ... I try and get out of anything that I'm roped into I just can't face life not this life this is not ment to be like this I'm 38 and don't want to be here .. as much as that sound like a good idea I know I can't I have to be here for my kids ... but I can't even be a mum I've totally given up on everything... don't know what to do or how to get through this .. the pain is unbearable  ....

[Norma]

Sending you a (((hug))) Jess, i can feel your pain hun just reading your post its heartfelt. Eventually your beautiful children will become the focus of your life, but at the moment hun youre in a very dark place, have  you seen your GP, perhaps he could refer you for counselling, i know you will find  it hard to believe hun but with time and support from people who care about you it will get easier, ive no other words that can ease  your hurt, but remember we are always here for you, and it does help to write about how youre feeling, xxx

[Emz2014]

The first year is especially hard, sending a big hug    pop along to your Gp, have a chat with them.  You might find some antidepressants may help,  or some counselling.  And like norma says, keep talking with us here, talking things through does help
Be gentle with yourself,  grief is exhausting and you sometimes need to rest. But try not to isolate yourself, do you have a trusted friend that you could speak to? Someone who will understand, can do things with you but also know when you just need silent company.  Dont put pressure on yourself, take it in small baby steps. Maybe get some tasty food in and just get comfy on the sofa with your daughter and watch dvds.  Xx

[Jessxx]

Thank you for your replies x Yes I have been for bereavement  counselling  when tony first passed I had 6 sessions as that's all the offer then after that I have been seeing a psychologist  since then every week .. its doesn't help but I still go as dunno what else to do ... I seek help all the time and I won't take pills from gp as don't wanna mess with the chemicals in my brain it will make me worse and my gp agrees as I taken them in the past and made me ten times worse ... I speak with one friend I met on the Facebook  group but feel.awful.as she is going through same thing as me .... everyone else around me jsut expects me to carry on as nothing no one can do ... just so lost now more than ever and I do all I can to get by and seek help but nothing works for me .. im heartbroken and missing my tony so so much ... thanks for your understanding  .. im trying so much...

[Emz2014]

I think there is a stage in grief where we search for answers, I read so many books, looking for some kind of answer or help. I did find some helpful things, I read some books on Buddhism and some of the outlook/sayings resonated with me and helped me.  I dont follow a particular religion, I take the bits that mean something to me. 
I think after an initial period our minds search for something to help make sense of everything. Just be gentle with yourself, small steps and try to look after yourself. Try and eat well/healthily as that will help towards your mood/feelings too  xx

[sue smith]

Hi Jess,  you sound very like my early days,  I had loads of counselling both one to one and with a therapist at the hospital but nothing worked.  I struggled for more than 2 years but then took my doctor's advice and started taking mild anti anxiety drugs which are not as strong and just calm things down,  they have made a real difference to me.  This will get better,  you have lost one of the most important people in your life and it hurts and will hurt for a while,  I found it helped to understand that, and realise that I was going to cry and going to ache,  I had a silent scream inside me all the time,  I thought if I ever started screaming I would never stop.  But it does get easier - just take one day at a time,  sit sometimes and remember good times,  don't push yourself too hard -  just take care of yourself and your children and give it time  xx

[Hubby]

Hi Jess.

It was very difficult reading your post. My heart goes out to you with all the difficulties you are facing.

 

You say you had six sessions of counselling when you first lost Tony. I am awaiting counselling but I have been told that my local counselling service don't do any counselling before three months as they don't believe it is of any use in the early stages of grieving. Perhaps another course might have better results?

[Jessxx]

Yeah i had to go to cruse to get the bereavement counselling two months after loosing my tony as needed something after that I was told by doctors to see a psychologist  so have been for last few months...

[Hubby]

What does a psychologist do Jess? Is that the same as counselling?

[Jessxx]

Well.yes and no its sort of same but she is explaining to me about anxiety  and panic attacks etc plus talk loads about my tony and she goes through things with me tells me this is all normal to have the feeling and thoughts I have and trys to get me to do things each session but I struggle to do simple things so she goes slowly with  me... half the time I think she needs to see a psychologist  after seeing me poor woman.. as everything is so erratic  with me but also numb and solum...  dunno.if it's helping me or not .. but I have to keep.with it as surely it will help me In time ... well I'm hoping..

[Hubby]

I'm hoping it will help you as well Jess. As I've learned there is no fast way through this. We each take as long as we take.

Wishing you strength 

[Jessxx]

Thanks hun xx it was a hard day but done it .. psychologist  told me I need to stop trying and pushing myself so much and need to go with it so for this week she said not to do much do as little as possible and no pushing or being erratic.. so today did exactly  that .. and will do .. completely exhausting  myself out . Praying for the calmer days ... today was sort of calm .. so it's a tiny step..

[Jessxx]

That's was a tiny step for one day now it's all come crashing down just in a heap on the floor crying none stop.. I can't handle this ... why why was my to you so cruely taken so young and happiest we both been in our life's.. finally after years of crap life we had to meeting up and realising this is the real deal .. we was in love at 13 years old then at 18 then at 37 ... we meet up too late..  hate this new life don't want tit at all ..  lost in this hole of depression ..  no one to talk to apart from coming in here...  tears keep flowing and I'm screaming why why why ffs  ...  hate this.....

[Karena]

 :hug:Jess I,ve been widowed twice the first time Mark died of cancer aged 30.What you just said echos almost exactly what he said to the McMillan nurse.
It doesn't take away  the pain but especially since it happened again I have thought a lot about that question.
Why when you find each other,after all you went through to find happiness does it get taken away so horribly.
Try turning it upside down it isn't fair but maybe the answer is that because you are soul mates,and because they deserved  happiness at the end of their lives,we were the only ones able to make that possible.
They arnt here now but you never have to cut that bond wherever life takes you.

If you imagine its a real physical thing it is like elastic it stretches for ever it goes in all directions but it doesnt break and you never have to let go.Its still there and always be there .

You never stop missing them but you do find a way to take them with you wherever you go,and they remain part of you.Grief itself is like that elastic,you take a small step forward then get flung back again.Hold on too those calmer moments and remember every time the black clouds come flooding back you have had that calm of yesterday  already,even if its just for a glimpse of sunshine you can do it again,each time for a little bit longer.

[Hubby]

Hi Jess.

Sorry to hear you've had another bad day.

Sometimes I like to think our brains only allow us as much grief as we can cope with and give us a little rest before giving us a bit more. Gradually we cope a bit better  but its a long process with many setbacks, much longer than anyone who hasn't been through it realises.

Wishing you more of the calm days.