Stunned at my wife’s reaction

[Jhorner]

So I recently lost my mum a few weeks ago, we had the funeral last week and all went to plan. I am still struggling to come to terms with it all, I am now an adult orphan and it feels horrible.

My wife and I have a young (4 year old) daughter, my wife prepared her that her nan was not getting better and was going to heaven, she had a little cry but kids bounce back, she seems to be handling it better than me right now.

As you can appreciate there is a lot to sort out arranging funerals etc… I spent a few days meeting with my sister to get things arranged; we still have to sort the house yet.

But while I was away, my wife basically starts nagging me that our daughter needs me there not out making arrangements. I told her after the funeral I will spend more time with her and our daughter.

The next one came when we were on a day out, I was looking miserable with myself, my wife asks “what’s wrong” to which I reply, “Ive just lost my mum”.

She then responds nasty saying “What did you just say”, she then says “I think you need to go off on your own for a while”

She eventually catches up has another rant saying “I know you’ve just lost your mum, but cant you save it until (our daughter) has gone to bed” She then shouts “I’m not having it”

Feeling pretty dumb struck I didn’t reply. Its like she wants to control me, or is jealous that

I am spending time with my sister away from her and our daughter.

I just feel that I can’t release the emotion I need to, I am mentally and physically drained right now and just want a quiet life and to be left to grieve in my own way.

Just need to vent, what are your thoughts?

Regards,
James

[Norma]

Hi James im so sorry for your loss, and how your wife is reacting to you, im afraid unless people have gone through the loss of a loved one they just dont understand, the only advice i can offer is for you to try talking to her and telling her how much the loss of your mum has sffected you, and how much you need her suppprt to help you through your bad days and sorting the house out, she is probably feeling a little left out and a bit jealous, perhaps you could reassure her and arrange something special for you both to do together. Xxx

 

[Emz2014]

Sending a welcome hug James.  I agree with Norma, unfortunately unless someone has lost a loved one they dont understand the feelings the loss brings and how long grief lasts.  I think many people assume after the funeral everything is fine again, but thats usually when the shock is wearing off, the busy time of arranging the funeral has stopped and the grief kicks in

In the hope she is not meaning to be mean, there is a possibility she is acting out of fear a bit - when I say that I mean if you are usually strong she is fearful of the sadness you feel, perhaps she is feeling a bit helpless and lashing out due to that

Have a chat with her, see if you can help her understand a bit.  And always know people here understand loss and you're very welcome to come and talk with us here, talking things through may help though the rollercoaster of emotions xx

[Hubby]

Hi James Welcome to the forum. Sorry to hear about your loss.

It sounds like your wife doesn't understand what you are going through and is trying to minimise upset to your daughter. She has rather a clumsy way of going about it but I dont think she means any harm. Its a mothers instinct to try and protect their children from pain and upset.

You are in the early stages yet and hiding your emotions will be practically ompossible. As the others have said youshould have a word with your wife and try to explain how your loss is affecting you, that things will get easier but it will take time.

Wishing you strength

 

[zebedee]

Hi James
Im so sorry to hear about your mum. I lost my dad in april and im not coping at all !
i sorted the funeral and everything out myself which was tough but i had to do it, it was important for me. it was the last thing i could do for my dad, and there is just SO much to do, it's unfair isnt it?  maybe your wife doesn't understand that, unless you have been there you just dont get it. Maybe she thinks she is doing the right thing, I don't know.... It would have upset me too though.

I do get annoyed when my hubby says to me ' whats wrong?' ... i feel like saying 'really, you're asking' ?? Even my 6 year old son just comes and gives me a cuddle. Maybe your daughter needs you more than you think....xxx

sending love x

[Karena]

So sorry about your mum,horrid time for everyone.
Two thoughts about your wife's reaction I was once in a similar position.my father in law died,I was left to deal with the kids grief but at the same time I was grieving myself because he had been a father figure to me too but I never felt I was allowed to feel that because I didn't have the right not being his real daughter,I wasn't snappy because i internalise things rather than speak my mind but I was later accused by my then hubby of being cold hearted over it,so there was just no winning in that situation.Also at 4 children don't really understand the concept of forever so might appear to shrug it off.it could be your wife has had to repeat that conversation a few times but now its beginning to sink in and she is playing up.children can't express at that age what is really bothering them so can act up.Also if Nanny can disappear so can daddy certainly your routine has changed and your demeanour so her little world is rocking.Talk to your wife first she may not agree but it might be an idea if all three of you sit down and you tell your daughter everyone is feeling sad right now and that's OK and normal but its also OK to talk about it and ask for a hug when you want one.By telling your daughter its OK you are also telling your wife its OK for her too.

[Fazzer 70]

Im going through the same with my husband as I lost my dad 9 weeks ago now. He has never said anything nasty tho but thinks I shouldn't cry anymore. It's impossible not to as it just hits you at awkward times like I was doing the lawn and just burst out in tears. The member on here called (hubby)  hit the nail on the head when he gave me advice and said maybe my husband doesn't know how it feels as he has never been through loving someone close before. There's no time limit on grieving so don't feel like you need to stop feeling emotional. Losing someone like a partner or parent is very hard. We are all here for support as we are all going through the same as you.

[Tysmom]

I'm sorry for your loss. I lost my mother (and best friend) in March of last year. My husband was very supportive for a time. Until I started getting the "what's wrong?" And just 5 wks ago exploded on me very angrily about not being over it.
I think the fact that he'd not lost anyone close is what it boils down to.
Now, 4 wks after my son's suicide, I worry how we'll get through this.
The best advice I can give you is to find reading material for your wife about living with someone in mourning. Maybe not even a book, but a website that keeps it simple. Like bullet-point simple.

[Emz2014]

Its hard when you're both grieving Tysmom, my partner was close to my dad and grieved at the same time as me and it was hard. We went through some difficult times
Take it slowly and remember TLC for yourself xx