I lost my beloved boyfriend ally on 16th may this year. We had only been together for 10 months, and we're starting to make plans for the future. He was the most beautiful, caring, funny, kind, romantic, passionate, frustrating and annoying man I had ever met. He was an alcoholic and had been open and honest with me from the start. We had a few difficult weeks over the months. I went to AA meetings with him, visited him in hospital and stood by him as much as I could. He struggled but he always sorted himself out in the end. On the 7th may he started drinking again and he hit it hard. I went to his house but he was never there. I called his mobile phone it went straight to voice mail. I turned up unexpectedly at his house and found him asleep covered in sick etc. I got him into a bath and into clean clothes and we lay talking cuddled up in his bed. I told him I would always always be there for him. He promised me that he would get help that a good friend had come to visit and had listtened. On the 14th may I found him in his home in a terrible state. I didn't tell him that I was coming I just turned up. Drunk and out his face. He had chosen alcohol over spending time with his daughters. I told him how disappointed I was that he had let things get this bad. He downed a pint of vodka in front of me just like that. No remorse, no feeling. Nothing. His house was a mess, it was dirty, he was dirty. My last words to him were " you are a disgrace " I left feeling angry. Angry at him for letting his girls down, me down but most of all letting himself down. I tried to call and call with no answer. I wanted to visit him but I was so angry at him. So angry. On Tuesday 17th may I left work early and raced to be with him. I tried the front and back Dior both were locked. I tried his phone. Nothing. I spent half an hour shouting through the letterbox, trying both doors and his phone. A neighbour pulled up in her car and asked if I was looking for ally I said yes. She told me that he had called 999 for an ambulance when the paramedics arrived they could not get in so called the police by the time the police got there to force entry he was found dead in his bathroom. The utter devastation I felt then is as real as it is now. I feel heart broken that he died alone. Angry that I walked away from him when I shouldn't have. Angry that my last words to him were so harsh. He was only 45, 10 years older than me. People tell me he is at peace now but I know that he was not ready to die. I've struggled to cope and it's hit me harder than anything Before. I just want to scream and scream and scream. There is nothing I can do to make this pain go away. I didn't know many of his friends and we hadn't yet met each other's families. His daughters and ex wife knew about me and at the funeral his ex wife introduced me to them. I feel heart broken that I met his beautiful girls for the first and last time at his funeral and this will be the memory I have of them. I just don't ever see a time where this pain will ease.
