Sucicide

[Caro]

I'm broken . My son of 28 took his own life three weeks ago. He was married, had a beautiful little boy of just 3 , working albeit on probation. It appears that he was very very very deeply depressed and sought any help or discussed his dark moods with anybody, wife inculded. My heart is breaking because, by things his widow has found, his depression started yea s ago, long before married. What sort of mother am I that I missed the signs of his unhappiness and he was unable to come to me ith his burdens.  I really don't know how one gets over this enormous weight if guilt

[Emz2014]

Sending a hug 
Unfortunately grief often comes with guilt feelings, the 'what ifs', 'should haves', and its hard but we have to learn (as we go through our grief journey) that we did the best we could with our loved ones with what we knew at the time.  Suicide is difficult, especially when learning of difficulties with depression but you cant blame yourself.  Depression is hard, we can do all we can to try and support but the depressed person has to fight that battle within themselves. A good description I've come across of depression is the 'black dog' - if you google that you will find some animated black dog descriptions which describe the battle so well.  But Im sure you were there for your son and he knew.  Xx

[rajahh]

Caro.

I joined this site 7 years ago on the old forum, in similar circumstances to you. 

I received somuch support from the members  and although I did not originally believe I could be " healed" that is in fact what happened.it took a long time but the raw pain does diminish.


My daughter took her life at 41.  She found her own 9 year old daughter drowned in the bath and carried her body into a lake. After some months I was able to give her "permission".  However months after that at the inquest we discovered she hadbeen living a lie for over15 years, telling us she had cancer when the post mortem showed she did not! She told us she was probably going to die, but in the end after years she told us she had the all clear. She kept us all in agony and woukd not let us visit during "treatment" which of course was non existent. During that time she in fact had two terminations!

This  took a lot  of acceptance, a lot of guilt feelings about what had led her to behave in this way.
Why dd I not notice things were "off".  My daughter robbed me of the memories I have of her as I do not know what can be trusted as true.

However I have come to terms with it all, I have learnt to accept that I will never know the answers to my questions, I have learned to accept that I truly did not notice anything strange, I just believed her as you will have believed your son.

Your son did not want you to be worried, he probably was protecting you. As parents we often realise we are not brilliant, we are not so perceptive , we are in fact human beings, doing the best we can at any given time.

Caro you have a very tough journey ahead of you but there is an end to your pain, but it will come so slowly you will have stopped believing it will happen.

I am 7 years down the line  and thankfully the tunnel of despair is far behind me. I still cry from time to time, but I also smile at her picture and that of my grand daughter.  I talk about them with love and they remain as very precious individuals in my life.

I found it helped me to tell people , the more I told the easer it was to accept, but ths may not be right for you.

If you feel I could help you please private message me. 

Much love Jeannette

[Hubby]

Hi Caro. So sorry to hear of your tragic loss.

As has been said guilt is a normal part of bereavement. I think we all ask ourselves what we could have done, or not done, that might have prevented our loss. In reality we did what was right at the time without the benefit of hindsight. We should not blame ourselves.

Wishing you strength.

 

[Caro]

Thank you to those of you that have replied to my post. Today I have seen my grandson of 3 years old and he told me " my daddy walked too close to the train and got hurt. He's dead and not coming back " ....then he carried on with eating his lunch. My heart broke again at his matter of fact innocent little way of describing what he knows. Horrible facts are that in reality his daddy was a brilliant dad and very hands on, yet that little boy as so young is unlikely to remember those times of happy play. It's a known fact that he highest rate of sucide is in the male population and in their 20s...must be something wrong with this world that they feel it not possible to ask for help

[Norma]

my thoughts are with you xxx

 

[rajahh]

Caro,

Do a memory book about your son, put pictures in from your sons birth if you have them, write about his childhood, about him being naughty, about him being loving, about him playing football, etc etc. go up to the time that his own son was born, write about how your son loved his own son and about thing he did  with him.

You will cry when you are doing it but it will be a wonderful way to keep him still alive too.

If you are not sure about when to give it to him perhaps keep it in your own home, so when he visits you can show him, and then give it to him when he is older.

Love Jeannette

[Emz2014]

He will keep some memories, keep talking with him. My little nephew was only 2 when we lost my dad but he still remembers, and still talks about him now Xx

[Caro]

So, another day to struggle though before the excitement of going to bed knowing I will once again be watching the clock. I did manage a shower this morning, so I suppose that's a positive move and I made the bed. Now I'm shattered and just want to curl up and cry.  Cannot really do that though, husband around, I just want the house to myself. Yes I'm selfish but right now, today, it's all about me, tomorrow will be different and yet the pain will still be there, nothing will ever be normal again.
I'm speaking of the time before he was killed as " before the incident" and the funeral is " the event" .  In my car I found a parking ticket for ' the day' ,  I was out shopping at the time he was walking to take his life. Yes, every day ordinary life events, but life will never be the same again. How can it ?
I found a quote, it just read " I miss having you to talk too" .. Yes I am talking to him but he cannot reply.  Today is not a good day. Thank you for reading the ramblings of a broken hearted mother x

[Karena]

 :hug:my heart goes out to you.3 weeks is very early days but I think Jeanette's idea is lovely and something you can do maybe later when you feel more up too it.I don't think children really understand how long forever is at that age,and I,m sure he will not forget and over time will ask more questions about his dad so having a book like that will be good for those times.I have grandchildren who were born after their grandad died but who know about him and who he was through the older ones but and through talking about him and photos too. To them he is grandad even though they never met him.

[Hubby]

its not selfish to want the house to yourself. It's your grief and you need to deal with it in your way. If hiding in a quiet room and sobbing or going into the street and screaming helps you to cope then go for it. If you need time alone or someone to talk to let people know. If there is one thing I have learned in my crash course in grief it is that it will come out no matter how much you try to hide it. The best you can hope for is to delay it.

You have got through another day and made another small step on your journey. life won't be the same again but it will become more bearable no matter how much it doesn't seem like it now.

Look after yourself. 

[Caro]

So, we are now 4 days past my sons laying to rest service. I managed to read my parents eulogy, sheer determination and I beleive the prayers of many got me through the day. Must admit my legs gave way at the sight of my boys ashes, being poured into the hole broke me. Had to be held up and later taken back to car park in a cart.
It was an amazing service , even the lady vicar was in tears. If only he knew how he was loved ! Must have been at least 150 people there all asking themselves the same questions.." Why did we not see anything, why did he not confide in somebody". That's the only small nugget of comfort...no single person is at fault, we all share the same feelings of guilt. Society and good old plain male pride prevented him asking for help.
His little boy was amazing, despite the tears of others he played and was so excited at seeing the video of he and his daddy singing " Half the world a away". The innocence of a child. Cold facts are that life now carries in, but with a massive empty space in our lives. Husband still not speaking about the death, sits staring into mindless to programmes . Me ? I functioning, that's only way I can describe how I am, I making myself do chores but inside my heart is frozen. I miss talking to my boy, today it's 5 weeks since I last did that.. If only I could turn back the clock .

[Karena]

  society still has a lot to learn and the problem is hiding depression from society as a whole becomes a default position so we also hide it from people around us who do care and would not condem.
I,m guessing staring at the TV is Hubby's way of distracting himself,anything to crowd out the thoughts which is his way of coping something people often do.
Glad your grandson has videos to remember his dad by.
We will be here as long as you need us .

[zebedee]

Im so sorry for your loss.

I kept my depression from my parents for years for fear of upsetting them and hurting them, so you must not blame yourself for not seeing the signs.... its a silent illness and believe me we put on a front.

sending the hugest of hugs x 

[Caro]

Thank you Zebdee. It takes courage to admit to the depression. From time to to we say we are ' depressed ' but true depression such as yourself and my son suffered is totally different. Mental health is I think worse than an obvious physical illness, the taboo of this MUST be halted in this country ! Too many families are having their hearts broken.  We say ' life goes on' , sad fact is that's true but although my darling boy maybe at peace, we, his grieving family are now sentenced to a life time of emptiness and ' what ifs' .. Thank you for response X