Caro.
I joined this site 7 years ago on the old forum, in similar circumstances to you.
I received somuch support from the members and although I did not originally believe I could be " healed" that is in fact what happened.it took a long time but the raw pain does diminish.
My daughter took her life at 41. She found her own 9 year old daughter drowned in the bath and carried her body into a lake. After some months I was able to give her "permission". However months after that at the inquest we discovered she hadbeen living a lie for over15 years, telling us she had cancer when the post mortem showed she did not! She told us she was probably going to die, but in the end after years she told us she had the all clear. She kept us all in agony and woukd not let us visit during "treatment" which of course was non existent. During that time she in fact had two terminations!
This took a lot of acceptance, a lot of guilt feelings about what had led her to behave in this way.
Why dd I not notice things were "off". My daughter robbed me of the memories I have of her as I do not know what can be trusted as true.
However I have come to terms with it all, I have learnt to accept that I will never know the answers to my questions, I have learned to accept that I truly did not notice anything strange, I just believed her as you will have believed your son.
Your son did not want you to be worried, he probably was protecting you. As parents we often realise we are not brilliant, we are not so perceptive , we are in fact human beings, doing the best we can at any given time.
Caro you have a very tough journey ahead of you but there is an end to your pain, but it will come so slowly you will have stopped believing it will happen.
I am 7 years down the line and thankfully the tunnel of despair is far behind me. I still cry from time to time, but I also smile at her picture and that of my grand daughter. I talk about them with love and they remain as very precious individuals in my life.
I found it helped me to tell people , the more I told the easer it was to accept, but ths may not be right for you.
If you feel I could help you please private message me.
Much love Jeannette