Hi All,
It's been 5 and a half months since losing my mum but it's still raw as if it happened yesterday.
I left work early today as I was too emotional to stay. I went to the G.P and he referred me for counselling (well I referred myself and sent an email) whilst doing so I came across this website so thought I would join up.
I think about her everyday, I can still hear her voice and I dream about her most nights. I feel like she is still with me. I feel guilty that I didn't stay with her the night before she ended up in hospital. She had an oxygen mask on when I went to see her in the hospital. They said it was unlikely that she would pull through. The night before she died, she kept trying to sit up whilst looking at us. I know she wanted to say something but couldn't. It's bothering me not knowing what she was going to say. I told her to rest and that she could tell us when she was feeling better. The next day she went.
I feel guilty all the time. I feel like what if I end up like her (mum was an alcoholic).
I recently got engaged and it's hard to talk to my dad about it. He just said congratulations but I know if mum was here, she would be excited for me and she would help me plan my wedding. It wasn't supposed to be like this. Then I feel guilty for wanting her back when she was too poorly. She is at peace now.
Dad has mentioned once or twice about sorting her things out, clothes etc but I'm not ready. I went into her room a few weeks back and looked at her things in the wardrobe. I can still smell her perfume on the clothes. The make up she wore, the turquoise jewellery. She loved turquoise it was her favourite colour.
I miss her. I miss her so much.
Thank you for listening