5 and a half months but still feels like yesterday

[Claire Bear]

Hi All,

It's been 5 and a half months since losing my mum but it's still raw as if it happened yesterday.

I left work early today as I was too emotional to stay.  I went to the G.P and he referred me for counselling (well I referred myself and sent an email)  whilst doing so I came across this website so thought I would join up.

I think about her everyday,  I can still hear her voice and I dream about her most nights.  I feel like she is still with me.   I feel guilty that I didn't stay with her the night before she ended up in hospital.  She had an oxygen mask on when I went to see her in the hospital.  They said it was unlikely that she would pull through.  The night before she died, she kept trying to sit up whilst looking at us.  I know she wanted to say something but couldn't.  It's bothering me not knowing what she was going to say.  I told her to rest and that she could tell us when she was feeling better.  The next day she went.

I feel guilty all the time.  I feel like what if I end up like her (mum was an alcoholic).

I recently got engaged and it's hard to talk to my dad about it.  He just said congratulations but I know if mum was here, she would be excited for me and she would help me plan my wedding.  It wasn't supposed to be like this.  Then I feel guilty for wanting her back when she was too poorly.  She is at peace now.

Dad has mentioned once or twice about sorting her things out, clothes etc but I'm not ready.  I went into her room a few weeks back and looked at her things in the wardrobe.  I can still smell her perfume on the clothes.  The make up she wore,  the turquoise jewellery.  She loved turquoise it was her favourite colour.

I miss her.  I miss her so much. 

Thank you for listening

[Hubby]

Hi Claire Bear. Welcome to the forums.

I wish I had some wise words I could say to take your pain away but, of course, those words don't exist. Grief is something we each go through in our own way and it's a long, arduous journey.

Wishing you strength

 

[Soleil]

Hi Claire Bear,

I'm sorry about the loss of your mother. Unfortunately we cannot always choose when to be with a loved one and sometimes they pass without our physical presence. I'm sure your mother is now with you in spirit and will welcome your engagement and future happiness. I'm sure not matter what I write, it will not alleviate your guilt but I always think about if you could imagine what she may say. I'm sure the last thing your mother would want is for you to feel guilty. Counseling is probably a good idea. You will find many people on this site who will support you and have or are still going through the grieving process. Welcome to the forum and sending a hug 

[Emz2014]

It's a rollercoaster journey, sometimes it seems we may be working stuff out then we're down again, the first year is particularly hard. It will get easier but it needs time and a gentle slow pace - little steps forward. You may find it helps to talk with us here whilst waiting for counselling, talking helps us make sense of our emotions and thoughts
Sending a hug  xx

[zebedee]

Im sure your mum would be over the moon for your engagement xxxx
 

[Hubby]

Hi again claire bear.

Something similar to what you put in your post happened to me this weekend. I lost my wife if 32 years a little over two and a half months ago. Yesterday my youngest told me she had got engaged. Just like your father all I managed was a congratulations.

This wasn't because I wasn't delighted for her. I was. It was just that the announcement got me thinking how excited my wife would have been and the upset it caused which I tried to hide which kinda took the shine off the announcement.

Perhaps this was how your dad felt.